Wednesday, July 25, 2012

10 Things That Bother Me About Myself

1. I'm incredibly insecure.
2. I am a huge procrastinator.
3. I'm way too sensitive.
4. I am a very low energy person.
5. I'm lazy.
6. I have almost no female friends.
7. I am easily fooled by bad guys.
8. I put up with people hurting me way too much
9. I fear confronting some of the things that have happened to me.
10. I don't value myself as much as I should.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Crying

I couldn't stop crying yesterday. It wasn't a full cry. It was hours of tears constantly streaming down my face. I have thought for quite some time that I am in terrible need of a really good cry. I find that quite impossible to do though. Something in the back of my head reminds me that I have never felt better after crying. Crying makes me feel weak and out of control. It's a problem.

I've only ever cried during and after fights with my parents and boyfriends. On a rare occasion I've shed a couple of tears at a sad movie scene. Mostly I only cry during fights because I don't know any other way to release emotion.

See, growing up whenever I was upset about something my parents would either tell me to get over it or ask if I was on my period. Their favorite thing to say is, "It doesn't affect us if your upset. That only hurts you." Basically, I've always been taught that my emotions are irrelevant. If I was hurt by something, it didn't matter. It became far more hurtful to express my feelings than it was to bottle them up. I've never been in a situation where it was safe to be vulnerable and to express myself.

I think I'm at a point where I am completely full. It doesn't matter whether I'm safe or not. I have to be vulnerable and express myself because I have no other choice. Every little thing causes me to overflow. I'm still fighting it though. I'd give almost anything to be in a safe situation but I'm not and never will be. Unfortunately, releasing and cleansing is the only way I will be able to pick myself up. I won't have the means to leave the situation I'm in and create my own safe situation until I pick myself up.

Somehow, I have to learn to cry again. I want to curl my legs up under me, bury my face in my hands and between my knees, and sob. I want to release every hurt I've ever suffered. I have to learn to see crying as cathartic rather than a sign of weakness.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Desperate For Love

I am desperate to feel loved. I want one person to truly love me.

What is love to me? To me loving someone means you desire to take care of them. You will do anything to protect them, to support them, to push them to be their best. You build them up. You feel that it is your responsibility to make that person feel safe and cared for. You earn that person's trust so they are free to be completely open and vulnerable to you. You work everyday to deserve and maintain that trust. You pay attention to that person and notice mood changes. You listen when they need you to. Your happiness is connected to their happiness.

This isn't too much to ask for. I am not a nurturing person at all but I would do this for someone. It would come naturally because it is love.

I've never felt this. At least not during any part of my life that I can remember. There is no one in my life that feels like I deserve to be protected. There is no one I can truly trust. And it hurts my heart. It is the root of every problem that I have. My sense of self-worth is so low. It takes so much strength to maintain the minimal amount of self-worth that I have that I don't have the strength to build it up on my own.

I fear that I will never feel loved. I fear that because of this, I will never have the strength to achieve my goals and follow my dreams. If I have no self-worth, how can I open up my photography and my writing to criticism without being crushed?

So what do I do now? How do I overcome this? I have no idea.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Your Denial

I know why you ignore me
When you look at me you see your failures
You can't pretend that everything is fine
If you acknowledge me and what I've become
What you have turned me into

Everytime you didn't protect me
Is written on my face
Everytime you broke my heart
Is reflected in my eyes
Everytime you let him hurt me
Is carved into my skin

Creative Commons License
Your Denial by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Quote: Barbara De Angelis

“The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”

-Barbara De Angelis