Sunday, March 31, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 31

So, looking back on this past month I am glad I decided to participate in NaBloPoMo. The theme of risk was something I knew I needed to explore. I feel like I have been at a bit of a stand-still for quite some time and I need to start moving. I'm not content with just introspection anymore. Seeing differences in myself is great but I need to see differences in my life now. I want something more obvious to show for it, something that can be seen from the outside. I know its going to require me to take a risk, or maybe a few to start moving in a direction that will be beneficial to me. Plus there's something incredible about having writing prompts. It made me examine some things that I probably wouldn't have thought about on my own.

Like I mentioned in yesterday's post, when I started this I was pretty sure that I wouldn't complete it. I am afraid of putting pressure on myself because I tend to rebel against pressure. Something I've realized is that I don't rebel when I'm the one putting the pressure on myself, I rebel when it is someone else doing it. So I need to have more faith in myself that I will do what I say if its something I want to do. I really do thrive when I have a self-imposed project.

I won't be participating in next month's NaBloPoMo. The theme is Fresh and it is about our relationship with nature. While I feel like it is a great theme, I could use a better relationship with nature, I want to focus on expanding what I've learned this month. Its too much of a change in thought process. I hope to start making moves. I was looking over the prompts for the month and it's possible that I will use some of them but I'm not sure. I will be keeping track of future themes and the next time one speaks to me I will participate again.

If you are inspired and would like to participate, here is the link for you! NaBloPoMo April 2013- Theme: Fresh

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you have a beautiful day!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Six Word Saturday

almost finished with NaBloPoMo- so proud


When I started this month's NaBloPoMo I was pretty sure that I wouldn't complete it. I was sure there would be days I didn't post or that I would quit in the middle. I've always hated being forced to write. I guess its different when the consequence is disappointing myself rather that failing some school essay. Tomorrow is the last day and I'm pretty proud that I went through with it. I wonder, does NaBloPoMo really counts as a word? Oh well, works for me!

Friday, March 29, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 29 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #21
What new risk have you decided to take after thinking about risk all month?

This month I finally voiced (posted) my desire to teach journal therapy to people, especially children. What I'm going to do from here is learn all I can about what I need to do to make that happen. I hope that there are organizations that do this or could expand to doing this. I will probably have to take some classes, maybe even get a degree. I don't intend to become a psychiatrist or anything like that. My point is to teach people a way to explore themselves and help sort out their minds that they can do at anytime, not to diagnose their problems myself.

The risk I guess, is spending more time and more money trying to achieve a goal that might not be right for me. The other risk might be my particular views on journalling. Some people believe that writing is the only way to journal and the only way it would be effective. I believe that there are many types of journalling and many ways to explore oneself. I believe that art journalling, song journalling, having a drawing journal, and journal writing are all ways that one could use to sort themselves out. I'm sure there are others but those are the ones I know about. It all depends on the person doing the journalling and how they best interact with themselves. I may have a hard time getting people I could potentially work with to take that view seriously.

NaBloPoMo March 28 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #20
Rambam said, "The risk of a wrong decision is preferable to the terror of indecision." Would you rather be in a state of indecision or accepting the consequences of a wrong decision?

I would much rather be accepting the consequences of a wrong decision than be in a state of indecision. When I went to college I was a business major. That was a mistake. I should've been in something more creative. However, even though it was the wrong decision I was working towards something. I had goals, some of which I achieved, and I learned a lot about myself through the experience. I don't regret it but I did have to face the consequences. Not only had I wasted a whole bunch of money and was in debt with nothing tangible to show for it, I also had no idea what direction to go in next. Terror is definitely the proper word for that situation. I was in a state of indecision for quite a few years. I had no idea what I wanted. That's one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place. I was hoping that writing would expose what I really wanted.

Well, it worked. Now that I've decided that I want to teach journal therapy and that I want to write, I have a direction again. Even if it doesn't work and ends up being another wrong decision I won't regret this decision either. I will learn more about myself no matter what happens. If it ends up being the right decision then it'll be great!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 27 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #19
Theodore Roosevelt said, "No man is worth his salt who is not ready at all times to risk his well-being, to risk his body, to risk his life, in a great cause." What great cause would be worth any risk for you?

I am very big on human rights and I'm very anti-human trafficking. If I had resources I'd be willing to take great risks to help victims. I've posted about my desire to teach journal therapy here and in my dreams section. I always picture myself teaching it to former victims to give them another option for dealing with what they have been through and the possible things they will go through in the future. Journal therapy is powerful and can be taken with you. Not everyone can afford traditional therapy all the time. I also put in my dreams section how I wanted to travel and teach women how to become financially independent so they can no longer be exploited. Both situations have the potential to be risky both physically and emotionally.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 26 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #18
Discuss this famous Anais Nin quote: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

 Obviously this quote means a lot to me since I keep it right over there ----->. I came across this quote last year and it really resonated with me. I even posted it here. It basically describes exactly what I've been going through. I've spent quite a bit of my life closed up because it was the only way to stay safe and to protect my heart. It lead me in a direction that seemed the safest but slowly I began to realize that I hated everything that my life was becoming and I didn't understand why. I started writing and blogging as a way to sort it all out. I realized it was because I wasn't living up to my potential and I wasn't feeding my heart. I wasn't protecting myself anymore. I was hurting myself. So, it was time to blossom, to open up my heart and mind to finally explore them.

I'm still working on it. I have about 15 years of hurt to go through, maybe more and a whole lifetime of things I need to unlearn in order to find what I really need in life. So, I am indeed going to blossom but I'll be one of those flowers that takes years to do so.

Monday, March 25, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 25 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #17
Do you like getting up to speak in front of a crowd? Will you submit this year for VOTY?

I am usually more comfortable behind the scenes. I prefer for my work to speak instead of me. However, I have no problem speaking in front of groups if I know most of the people. Giving speeches or presenting projects during school was pretty easy for me. I don't really like it but I can easily handle it. Back in second grade my school participated in some sort of speech meet. All the students had to present a speech as a "try-out" and the teacher for each class chose the best to go to the meet. I was one of the ones chosen. Who knew! Apparently, I was good at speeches! At least I was when I was 7.

I have much more trouble speaking in front of groups of people that I don't know or if there is a lot at stake. Presenting my senior project was nerve-wracking. Not only did I not know the people I was presenting to, if I did a bad job I wouldn't have graduated. I was shaking in my boots, literally. When my adrenaline is high and my nerves hit, I shake like a little chihuahua. It's hard to take someone who is shaking seriously.

I have no idea what VOTY is so I can't answer that part. If it would require me to give a speech then I probably wouldn't submit. Not at this point in my life anyways. I would like to get to a point where I can speak in front of crowds. It's not on the top of my list at this point though.

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 101

The sands of time continue to pass
The yesterdays are multiplying
My former self is long forgotten
Years of hurt have created a disguise
That thought is rather jarring
And has stirred me into action
And is bringing me back to life
I can no longer walk through life
As the wounded version of myself
It's time to find myself again
To recapture the beauty I used to have
In a hurry, no more standing still
It's time to get off this useless road
And finally follow the winding country road
That is my heart and mind
To follow my bliss through the deep valleys
And across the dark plains it takes me to
Until I find that place where I can plant my tree
Where I can nurture it and tend to it
One day I'll watch it blossom into something wonderful


This was inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 101. All my poems seem to have the same theme lately. I'm looking forward to the day when I can write about what's it's like to finally have figured out what direction I'm going in.

Creative Commons License
This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2013/03/24/wordle-101/.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 23

"The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say." 
 -Anais Nin

I hope I am able to live up to that. I really hope that my writing is able to reach people and not only express myself but allow other people to express a part of themselves that they were unable to before. I want my writing to touch people's hearts, especially my poetry. I hope that I can give other people the courage to expose the parts of themselves that they don't trust and keep hidden. We all need to be able to fully embrace ourselves, even the parts that frighten us. Maybe especially the parts that frighten us.

Friday, March 22, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 22

"Forgiveness does not mean you have to accept the person back into your life. It does not mean you are condoning their behavior or that you are in any way saying that it was “ok.” Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different so you don’t hold on to wishing that you had a different kind of family. You let that go, and you move forward with the Grace that God has given you from this day on. I don’t want the spirit of me to die because of what you did." 
 -Oprah, 2-8-11

I need to hear this every day. I too, don't want my spirit to die because of what was done to me and what will most likely continue to be done for as long as I keep certain people in my life. My problem is that their refusal to acknowledge what they have done makes it so difficult for me to let it go. I need people to acknowledge their mistakes and apologize for the damage they've done. When I don't get that (which is almost always, in my life I've only had one person truly apologize for something that they did) I have a huge problem letting it go. It really makes me feel less than. Since they don't believe they did anything wrong, it means they believe I deserve to be treated the way that they treated me. If it was someone I didn't know, it wouldn't really matter. Since it's always been the people who were closest to me, the ones I was supposed to be able to count on, it cuts right through me. My wounds are deep. I feel like they are still open and that when they finally do "heal", they will become disfiguring scars. I don't know how to forgive someone for doing that to me and I don't know how to not need the apology. So, I don't know how to move on from it.

NaBloPoMo March 21 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #15
How do you feel after you don't do something due to the risk?

It really depends. If the risk was huge and I didn't do it, that means I wasn't ready. If my desire doesn't overwhelm my fear, it means I'm unlikely to put in whatever work is necessary to see it through. I get bored or discouraged really easily if I wasn't committed to something in the first place.

If the risk is relatively small and I avoid it, then I get pretty annoyed with myself. I get annoyed that I didn't trust myself and my abilities. I am fully aware of why I have such a hard time trusting myself and I hate when I don't combat that feeling. I shouldn't be afraid of putting myself out there a bit because deep down I know that I have a lot to offer and I should be willing to show it.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 20 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #14
Are you more likely to take or avoid a risk?

It really depends on where I am in my life and my emotional state. Going across the country to college was a big risk but I took it because I was in dire need of a new environment. Any risk was worth getting away. Posting my writing online is a huge risk for me, but my desire to improve has overridden all the fears that I have.

However, when I am lacking confidence, I will avoid every risk. I get depressed and start believing that I'm not capable of things and go completely into a shell. It usually takes a few weeks or sometimes a few months before I come out of that. Anything I could've possibly done during that time gets completely ignored. There's usually something I end up wishing that I had done.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 19 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #13
Talk about a website or blog you wish you had started.

Probably The Simply Luxurious Life. This blog has been so helpful for me. It's all about living a quality life based on your own rules instead of everyone else's. It covers most aspects of life. The blog's creator, Shannon, definitely has her own style for everything, which she shows, but she pushes for her readers to find their own styles and follow their own path.

This blog has taught me and many other people quite a bit. Most style blogs tend to be about trends and most lifestyle blogs are about "alternative" lifestyles. I hate to put it like that. There's really no such thing as a "normal" or "typical" lifestyle so there really is no such thing as an "alternative" lifestyle. But that's beside the point. There aren't many blogs out there for someone like me, who is a single young woman with no children who is trying to find the path that will lead to the quality life that I want.

I wish I were in a place in my life where I felt like I could dispense advice based on my own experiences and philosophies and actually help people. I've always had this deep desire to help people but unfortunately until I help myself, I'm pretty useless to anyone else.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Petition To CNN To Publicly Apologize For Sympathizing With Rapists

Change.org Petition To CNN To Publicly Apologize For Sympathizing With Rapists

Please sign this petition demanding that CNN apologize for their coverage of the Steubenville gang rape trial. They sympathized with the rapists claiming that they were poor athletes whose lives were being ruined by this. They completely ignored the actual victim, a 15 year old girl, whose life really was ruined. Rape victims are never the same after being violated in such a heinous way and rapists deserved to be punished to the fullest extent of the law, not pardoned because they "just made a mistake". I'm disgusted by this culture's attitudes about rape and the constant victim-blaming. It is unacceptable and can not be tolerated. Its time for change!

Porcelain Lotus Flower

Poised and graceful
Observing all around me
Rising from adversity
Completely untainted
Emanating beauty
Love and hopefulness
Admiration worthy
In the eyes of others
Noble in intent

Longing to find myself
Overcome my past
To be renewed
Understand my desires and
See beauty in myself

Fulfilled and refreshed
Loved and desired
Open to the possibilities
Waiting to see what unfolds
Echoes of the past are fading
Ready for my future

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Porcelain Lotus Flower by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 16

"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant." 
-Horace

Hmm, this is an interesting thought. I wonder if I would've started writing again if my life hadn't taken the turn for the worse that it did. I like my style of poetry and I've written a few that I'm really proud of. Maybe if I wasn't going through what I'm going through, I never would've been inspired to write anything. Perhaps writing can be the good that comes out of all this? I guess it remains to be seen.

Friday, March 15, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 15 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #11
Would you rather start something on your own or as a member of a team?

Probably as part of a team. I like collaborating and having multiple different views. You will never be able to think of all the possibilities on your own. It is also nice to be able to share responsibilities. Tasks will get done better if you are able to focus on just a few rather than having a whole load. It might make things a bit more difficult when it comes to disagreements but I think that what you are starting will be more well rounded and far more complete in the end.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 14 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #10
Who out there in the world would be the best mentor for your ideas and goals?

I have no idea. I was thinking about this recently and realized that I really don't have anyone that I look up to or see as a mentor. I don't even know where to go to find a mentor. You can't look up to just any poet, writer, or photographer. And what about my journal therapy idea? Who could mentor me in that? I don't know. Even as I try and figure out how to go about making my dreams come true, no one has caught my attention.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 13 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #9
If you didn't have to be concerned about money or expertise, what would be your ideal job?

That's easy. I would be part of a company that advocates the literary arts and I would be responsible for teaching journal therapy, especially to children. Maybe not solely responsible, maybe as part of a small team. I would work part time because I think it could be emotionally exhausting. I would also be a writer and photographer. I'd have poetry books, be part of poetry anthologies, and contribute to magazines blogs, or newspapers. My own photographs would accompany my articles and maybe other people's too. I'd sell the rest of my photographs and have gallery shows from time to time.

Whenever I fantasize about what my perfect life would be, that's how I picture how I'd make my living.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 12 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #8
What is getting in the way of you reaching for your dreams?

I'm getting in the way of me reaching my dreams. Me and a lack of knowledge. I want to be a fine arts and maybe commercial photographer, but I still have a lot to learn to even get that started. I would love to get my writing published and start getting paid for it but I'm not sure how to go about making that happen. Plus, I'm not quite sure what style of writing I would want to publish. Poetry, essays, both, something else? I haven't decided.

I'm also very shy and have a lack of confidence which makes networking and putting myself out there almost impossible right now.  It wasn't always like that. Even though I've always been shy I was usually able to work with it. When my confidence is low is when the problems arise. I think my lack of direction contributes to it quite a bit. I'm pretty sure it will become less of a problem once I have a more solid idea of what I want and how to achieve it.

Monday, March 11, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 11 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #7
Next week kicks off BlogHer Entrepreneurs conference, a meeting of minds for women who "want to start something." Tell us what you'd love to start.

It's not so much what I want to to start but what I wish someone would start. The reality is I'm a big picture type of person, a dreamer. I have a really hard time with the logistics of those dreams. All of the little details or steps necessary to achieve the dream become monotonous to me and I get discouraged and give up or lose interest.

All of that aside, I truly believe in journal therapy. Whether it is writing, drawing, art journalling, whatever other type of journalling you can think of, I believe in its healing power. However, it seems like few people do it and even fewer have any direction in the ways to make it helpful. I myself have been bumbling around, seeing its potential but not knowing just how to properly harness it. That got me thinking about how beneficial it would have been if someone had taught me how to use journalling as therapy when I was young.

So, I would like to start an organization that teaches children about journalling as therapy. I'm not quite sure how it would work since I'm still learning myself but I imagine it starting like a group therapy session and depending on the person, eventually moving on to individual sessions until they have a handle on it and are ready to use the skills on their own. I probably should've been a psychology major. I might have a clearer idea with more knowledge.

_______________________________

Something else I was thinking about was what people are doing to increase recycling and clear out landfills. I once read that children in some third world countries work in landfills to make some money. It's dangerous and terrible. Children shouldn't have to work at all. But it got me wondering if there was a way to make it safe. If it was possible to make it safe, then organizations could be started that are dedicated to clearing some stuff out of landfills. People could go through landfills and pull out recyclables and things that need special disposing. Besides helping the environment, it would create lots of jobs. Plus, that could also help those poor children. If we can't provide enough help to allow them to not have to work, maybe we can at least provide proper equipment to make to job safer. I doubt that I'm the first one to think of that though and I'm certainly not going to be able to be the brains behind that operation.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Three Word Wednesday- CCCXIX

The search for discovering oneself
Is often a long and brutal journey
Opening up the sealed doors of your mind
And exploring your darkest depths
Unleashing the pain of the past
That's been locked up for years
Is a terribly frightening process
Then you must take steps down your chosen path
Often a rarely trodden path
Frequently getting lost and confused
Groping through the darkness
Following the unknown twists and turns
But one day the path becomes visible
And the darkness fades away
You begin to feel the freedom
Of finally being who you really are
The burdens of other people's expectations
Are tossed aside along with the fears
The fears that were holding you back
The responsibility for living your life
Is transferred into your own hands

I'm not sure how I feel about this one but it was inspired by Three Word Wednesday- CCCXIX and NaBloPoMo March 2013's theme of risk. I was thinking about the risk of finding yourself, especially if who you are ends up going against what you've been taught.

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Three Word Wednesday- CCCXIX by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://www.threewordwednesday.com/2013/03/3ww-cccxix.html.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Six Word Saturday

in need of a new project


I function best and am most happy when I am working on a project that I think will improve my life or someone else's. I don't have one that I can afford in mind right now.

Friday, March 8, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 08 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #6
Do you always look before you leap?

Yeah pretty much. I can't help myself. I can see multiple different outcomes for everything I do, without really even trying to think about it. When you can see ways something can go right and ways something can go wrong, you can't help but sit back and think about what you are about to do. It would be so much easier to leap without looking if you didn't know what the consequences could be.

On a completely unrelated topic, did anyone else know that today is International Women's Day? How come I've never heard of this? I believe that all people should be celebrated regardless of gender, however doesn't it mean something that this day isn't celebrated here?

Thursday, March 7, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 07 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #5
Discuss your experience with the saying, "go big or go home."

The only time that phrase has ever been a part of my life has been through sports. I used to play soccer and run track so I heard it quite a bit. Now that I think about it though, it was just a saying, it didn't really mean anything. I can't really think of anything that really warranted the saying. Seems like it makes more sense for mountain climbing, skydiving and other such high risk sports. With soccer and track there's a constant push to get better where as it seems there are more leaps with other sports. To me, "go big or go home" means taking a leap into the unknown to push yourself to get better. I guess that it can be used beyond just sports but for me, I see it as a sports reference.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 06 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #4
What is the riskiest thing you've ever done? How did it turn out?

The riskiest thing I've ever done is probably going to college on the other side of the country. I'd never really been alone like that before. Every time I'd traveled before that, it was only for a short time and it was with family, church, or school. This was to live and it was by myself. Plus, I was going to the south so I had to learn to live in a different culture as well. It's weird to say that you had to learn a new culture when you stayed in the same country but its very true. Even on a university campus it was very obvious.

It started out great. I usually adjust very easily to new environments. It was a way of starting over after middle school and high school had been so tumultuous. I actually found peace and confidence. I even made the Dean's List! I am still very proud of that. School had been pretty difficult for me for quite a few years at that point so this was a major achievement.

Things went downhill because this is where I met the guy who ended up being my first abusive relationship. On top of that, there was an announcement in my hometown newspaper about my making the Dean's List. I asked my parents to buy that newspaper so that I could put that announcement in my scrapbook. Like I said, I'm very proud of that. My parents however decided that they didn't feel like getting that newspaper for me. I'm not sure if it was too much money or too much work, what ever their reason they decided it wasn't important. Having my parents ignore what was a big achievement for me was a huge blow. It was just reinforcement that my achievements weren't important to them, this wasn't the first time they did something like that. So, between that and the abusive relationship, my life went downhill after that.

Still, I learned so much about myself through that experience. Looking back, I can see the reasons I was able to find peace and confidence and I have some ideas on how I can achieve that again. I also get to say that I made the Dean's List. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about that. It's a big accomplishment and one that I will always be proud of. So in the end, that risk turned out really well.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 05

I'm skipping today's prompt because I've got something else on my mind. I read quite a few blogs and one of them is The Tao Of Dana. I came across this post Can You Let A Psychic Vampire Back Into Your Life. The thought that stood out to me was praying for and wishing the best for people who have wronged you.

I started thinking about the people who have wronged me and what I wish for them and its certainly not the best. Frankly, I want to see them punished for what they have done to me. I want to see them reap what they sow, for karma to work its magic. I'm still dealing with how these things have affected me, why shouldn't they have to deal with it too? I don't think I've ever prayed for any of them either.

Soooo, what kind of person does that make me? Also, doesn't wishing bad for people ultimately bring you down instead of them? Don't you forgive for your own sake, not necessarily for their sake? Ok, so now that I've had this realization, what am I supposed to do about it? It hasn't changed how I feel. The hurt hasn't gone away. I still want to see that there are consequences for mistreating people!

Yeah, yeah I'm well aware of what people say. You have to forgive to move on. You have to be willing to let go to move on. It's in the past so get over it. Blah blah blah. None of that actually helps someone going through what I'm going through. People say to forgive like its no big deal, like its easy. Of course, none of them tell you how to forgive. None of them tell you how to move on. I've come to the conclusion that its because they don't know how to any better than I do, they just like to have the "right" answer.

Well, I've gotten that off my chest. Now I guess its something I'm going to be pondering for awhile.

Monday, March 4, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 04 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #2
Do you believe the saying that with great risks come great rewards?

Yes, I do believe that. Good things only come from hard work and a leap of faith. The willingness to put yourself out there can be really freeing and will allow you to go after the things in life that you want.

Its probably important to note that while great risks can bring great rewards, they can also come with devastating consequences if not properly respected. Great risks should not be taken lightly. They should be thought through.

When it comes to great risks, I find my pessimistic side usually overwhelms my optimistic side. Perhaps I fear the consequences more than I desire the rewards. The unknown can be scary whether good or bad, I guess. However, going after the life you want seems to be the running theme in these posts of mine. It's also a running theme in one of the blogs I read, The Simply Luxurious Life. It must mean that deep inside I'm ready to take some risks to get what I want.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 98

My life seems to be many shades of blue
Melancholy, listlessness, the occasional clear day
With all the fluidity of stagnant water
Completely unbalanced, lacking passion
As I watch parts of my spirit gather dust
It hits me like a slap in the face
I've been snared, in an endless cycle
An endless cycle of depression and detachment
Trapped in solitary confinement
In a prison of my own making
In a soul sucking void that has me gasping for air
With that realization I feel an instant shift
Suddenly feelings of desire overwhelm me
Desire to escape, desire for passion, desire for focus
Desire to go after the beautiful life I deserve
It's time to throw caution to the wind
Time to take the risks I've been so afraid of
Slowly the wings of my soul are unfurling
Almost ready to take their first flight
And find the blessed life that I long for
And maybe someone who will come along for the ride

Inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 98 and NaBloPoMo March 2013's theme of risk or rather what happens when you don't take risks.

Creative Commons License
This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2013/03/03/wordle-98/.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 02

Today is the first free writing day of NaBloPoMo. Weekends have no prompt so I have to come up with something to write on my own. I guess I'll try to stick with the theme of risks for my free writing since it has been on my mind.

I've been thinking about the risks I've taken and the risks I'll probably take in the future. It occurs to me that the biggest risk I will be taking is moving to a new city by myself. I've been living in my current city for most of my life and it has done nothing for me. I don't get along with most people around here and the people that I do get along with don't see me as a close friend. I come from a multicultural family and I think it has made me see things differently than a bunch of people born and raised in the suburbs who seem to forget that the world is bigger than their group of friends. I don't belong in the suburbs so I need to take the risk and move somewhere that will offer me more options. It will be awhile before I have the money to do something like that but the time will come.

The other big risk that I will need to take is letting a man into my life. Considering my knack for getting into abusive or disrespectful relationships, allowing myself to date again will be a huge risk. Hopefully by that point I will have enough confidence in myself to not put up with blatant disrespect. I also hope that I will trust myself enough to listen when I see red flags. I've waited this long though so I am obviously fine with being single, so I'm not about to allow my first relationship in years to be a bad one. I just have to trust myself.

I can't think of anything more to say on the matter. These won't be the only risks I take. I'm sure there will be several smaller risks I take along the way.

Friday, March 1, 2013

NaBloPoMo March 01 Prompt

NaBloPoMo Prompt #1
Do you think it's better to play it safe or to take risks?

 I don't really have a quick answer for this question. I think it's situation based. There are times when it is best to take the risk, like when you need to tell someone how you feel about something. It's always a risk to open up to someone like that but I have found that if you aren't honest about your feelings you end up regretting it. Even if you are telling someone how you feel about them and your feelings aren't returned, it still feels better to let it out. If you don't you end up spending years wondering.

There are times when it's better to play it safe too. Like, if you have a family and have a very risky business opportunity. Even though it could potentially turn out really well, it could also end up really hurting people. You don't gamble with people's welfare, especially your family's.

I'd say that I've played it safe for most of my life and I look back and think that there were times when I should've taken more risks but was too afraid to put myself out there. That's not to say that I didn't ever take risks. I did, some worked out well and some make me wonder what I was thinking.

I guess in the end it's all about thinking things through and doing things for the right reasons. It's never a good idea to make decisions based on fear, greed, other people's opinions etc. You have to do what you think is best for you and those who depend on you. Also, to keep in mind that sometimes the scarier a risk is, the more likely you should take it.