"We're connected, as women. It's like a spiderweb. If one part of that web vibrates, if there's trouble, we all know it, but most of the time we're just too scared, or selfish, or insecure to help. But if we don't help each other, who will?" -Sarah Addison Allen
I'll follow you as you lead the way
Your loyal partner I will stay
By your side I will stand
As you take me by the hand
Each and every passing day
If my worries you allay
And you chase my fears away
Show the strength that I demand
I'll follow you
Through all our sadness and dismay
Every night, together we'll lay
Through all our journey as yet unplanned
I know together we can withstand
Come what may
I'll follow you
Thanks to d'Verse Poets Pub I now know another poetry form called Rondeau. Check out the link for details. Tony Maude did a much better job of explaining it than I could. I am very intrigued by the form. This is my first attempt at the poetic form. I didn't bother with iambic tetrameter because I never quite grasped the concept of meters. They always trip me up. I'm not sure how I feel about the poem in the end. It has kind of an adult theme but I think my attempt comes across a bit juvenile. I haven't done much rhyming in my poetic journey, surprisingly, so this turned out to be quite a challenge. I'll have to keep trying.
The path divided
I chose which side I should take
Now I'm looking back
Here's The Path. The first poem was about my move to Georgia and where that decision could take me. Now that I haven't been able to find a job and I've lost the apartment that I thought I was going to have, I've been wondering if I made the right choice or if I should have taken the other path. Of course, I can't go back now so I have to keep moving forward.
I'm taking a MOOC (Massive Open Online Course) on Coursera called Modern & Contemporary American Poetry. ModPo for short. One of the forms of poetry we have studied is Dadaism. Dadaism was an art philosophy that was a reaction to World War 1. Dadaists basically wanted to show the absurdity that led to the war and they wanted to tear the world apart and create something new. They were looking for an alternative way of thinking and being. One of the things we studied was Tristan Tzara's instructions, How To Make A Dadaist Poem. I thought that it was interesting and really wanted to try it myself. I didn't want to take just any article though. I don't like to mess with other people's writing. I decided to take one of my own poems, the poem that I'm most proud of, and see how it would be affected by this method. I was hoping that doing this with something that already has significant meaning to me would create something that still has meaning to me. You can find the original poem here. Here's what I ended up with.
The desire endless, void—water...gasping,
Along desire, sucking in, I desire are an
Snared has the spirit for me—own an after that
And face my...me come the of risks soul
Endless in all life—first in lacking
prison to, of
In flight to cycle— to —I’ve with day so its
My stagnant an time I’ve take of...my, for
The of, take life...the to, focus like of
As for the of hits be to in the to go a
Of the I...I of for it, a air—I, a
I am actually intrigued with most of it. It's far more depressing than the original, but it reminds me of those days when my mind is racing and I can only catch bits and pieces of my thoughts as they race through my head. The problem that I had was that all the little words sunk to the bottom of the bag, so they ended up all being pulled out last. I wish that the last two lines were mixed in with the rest of the poem. I also had a hard time with punctuation for this. Punctuation is supposed to bring order to writing. So how are you supposed to bring traditional order to something that is supposed to have no traditional order?
I think it is a good exercise though. One of the problems I've had in my poetic journey is stepping outside the essayist box that was drilled into me all through school. Exercises like this force your mind to step out of that box and find a new kind of sense. If you are curious, here's a link to a little article about chance operations like this. It would be a good place to start exploring.
Things haven't gotten any better over here. I am still jobless and I can feel the pressure getting greater and greater. I've been trying to figure out what would be a good fit for me but everyone around me keeps telling me to take whatever I can get and has given me this long list of places to try. Most of these places aren't actually hiring so I have wasted so much time on these useless leads to jobs I don't even want. I do need to get a job soon though. I can see that my aunt and uncle don't want to keep spending money on me. They said that if I came to live with them then they would take responsibility for me. I guess that meant just for a couple of months. I've explained how easily I get depressed when stuck in a job that I hate but that always gets glossed over for the "What would you do if you didn't have family helping you?" argument. I acknowledge that things would have to be different in that situation, but I'm not in that situation so what is the point of acting like I am?
Maybe someone has some better advice but until I hear it, I guess I'm going to have to be stubborn and do things the way I think are best for me. Maybe?
Well, I have finally stressed myself out to the point of making myself sick. *sigh* It just keeps getting better and better. Obviously, my body is giving me a not-so-subtle warning that I need to step back. I have been applying to every possible job I can come up with. I guess I've been trying to play the odds game, plus that's what everyone keeps telling me to do. Every time I turn around, my aunt has another place I should apply to. Everywhere I go I get asked whether I've found a job yet. Sure, these people are just concerned but it just adds to the pressure I'm already under. Obviously, its not working.
Now, I need to come up with a different approach. I think I'm going to pick a few places that I am actually interested in working and push for those. What's the point of stressing myself out over jobs I don't even want just to get a paycheck? If I was on my own then that would be different. But I'm not in that situation so I should stop acting like I am. I am lucky enough to have people willing to take care of me and I should take advantage of that. Of course, I don't mean mooch off of them. I mean that I have the chance and, for the first time in a long time, the will to look at my options and find what's best for me. I'll give it a try and see how it works. If nothing else, I'll probably be healthier.
I am becoming so discouraged. I really thought that moving was my chance at a new start and so far it has been just more of the same. I haven't been able to find a job, even though I've applied to plenty of places. So now, my aunt and uncle are talking about having someone else rent their basement apartment that I came down here for. I'm sitting here watching even my small dreams disappear and there's nothing I can do about it. What do you do when you can't get a job? Why am I someone who always has to settle and take whatever she can get? Why is it that every time I think I'm finally going to get back on my feet, something comes along and rips the rug out from under me? Its been almost 10 years since the last time I was standing on my feet and doing well.
There are things that other people have done to me that majorly contributed to my being at this place. But, obviously there is something wrong with me too. Apparently, all these years of self reflection and trying to identify and address my problems hasn't been enough. There's still something or many things holding me back.