I have not been writing much lately because I have been practicing escapism. I have been trying my hand at other forms of creative expression during this time but the reality is, I'm doing that because I don't want to delve deep to find the words I need right now.
I had been thinking a lot about forgiveness and healing. If you read this blog then I think it's pretty obvious that I have a lot of both to do. The problem is that healing a wound hurts more than receiving the wound. When I think about all of the things I've been through that need healing and all the people I need to forgive, I become completely overwhelmed. I can't even focus on one thing at a time because it is all so intertwined and I don't know how to make any kind of order out of it.
I think I may be on the verge of finally forgiving everyone that I need to, except my parents. But I am no where near healing. I see gaping bleeding wounds and disfiguring scars whenever I look at myself. I see how my view of the world has been completely altered. I no longer have the ability to trust because there has not been one single person who has not violated the trust I gave them. Even though I can now see that what they did was because of their own tragicness (that should be a word) and really had nothing to do with me, the damage is already done. In the case of my parents, the damage they caused led me to being in the situations I was in with other people. Situations that most likely would not have happened if I hadn't been taught that my instincts are always wrong and that I have no business expecting to be treated with care and respect.
So, I'm practicing escapism. It won't last long though. Being stuck in a rut is very frustrating to me as I have been working so hard to move forward. It's only a matter of time before this running away that I'm doing doesn't work anymore and I go right back to facing my problems. Actually, I think that needing to write this post means that time has already come.