Tarot and Journaling

My journaling practice has been very stagnant for a long time and I've been floundering without it. Journaling is what grounds me. Without it, I struggle. So far, nothing has really revived it. I've looked into creating different spiritual practices to ground me and the only thing I've really connected with are tarot and oracle cards.

I'm going to attempt to put journaling together with tarot and oracle cards. For starters, I want to try to write a poem in the first person, about each of the major arcana of the tarot. Each card has a "positive" and "negative" meaning that I plan on incorporating into each poem.

Let's see if this gets me writing again.

Facebook and Instagram Profiles

I finally started a Facebook profile for my blog. I wanted to stay anonymous but still open up another avenue to connect with people. It will also allow me to join groups and express things without dealing with the disapproval of certain family members. I'll save that for when I'm more connected with myself and stronger in who I am.

I also started an Instagram profile a while ago. I'm not very active on it. I mostly just follow other people to get inspiration but I'd be happy to connect with people there as well.

You can find the badges in the right column, down where my other links are.

**Update** Facebook blocked me from my account saying that it was fake. That seems to mean I didn't put enough personal information on my profile. They put me through some crazy test where they showed me three random photos from my friends profiles and I had to correctly name them. Of course, there is no guarantee that the random photos are actually of the person. One they showed me was all memes and another was all pictures of their extended family. I don't know about you, but I don't know the extended families of everyone I know. But that's the point. After I went through their test they told me that the only way I could regain access to my profile was to send in my driver's license, social security card, or a copy of one of my utility bills. None of these things do they have any business asking for. It's all about getting personal information. I know someone else who had a profile for 10 years and went through the same thing. It's not a coincidence that it happened shortly after she refused to download their messenger which would have given them direct access to her phone and all of her contacts. Watch yourselves and be very careful what information you give them.

Quote: James Victore

"You have no friends, you have no enemies, you only have teachers and you need to learn from these people." 

-James Victore

This quote is just what I need to help me with the things that are going on at work. The reason I took the job is because I knew if would be a good learning experience but I was hoping for more of an accounting and financial education. It hasn't been what I bargained for but maybe it still has something to teach me.

The Story of a HSP

The Story of a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person)

Check out this great artwork about highly sensitive people. Every time I see something about highly sensitive people, so much of it describes me. I don't know if there is an actual diagnosis for this or if it's all anecdotal but it is certainly something I want to look into. Besides what is on this canvas, I've also read that highly sensitive people can be really sensitive to some foods as well. I can feel the caffeine in decaf coffee and I react very strongly when my blood sugar drops (I'm not diabetic or any other medical condition that explains that). Maybe it's because I'm just highly sensitive.

Quote: Ayn Rand

"I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard, no matter how long or hard the struggle."

-Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

I wonder if my life would have been different if I had been taught this. My whole life I've been taught to conform and change in order to fit into the tiny box that society has created for us all. If I ever have children, I will make sure that they learn this as children instead of as adults, after wasting too much time trying to be someone else.

Quote: Rhonda Byrne Hero

“Whatever circumstances you were born into, whatever family life and education you had or didn't have, you came here to make your dreams come true, and no matter where you are now, you are fully equipped with everything you need to do it.” 

– Rhonda Byrne Hero

I must admit to having doubts about being fully equipped with everything I need now. Maybe other people are, but I still have too many scattered pieces of myself to put back together before I'll be ready to claim this. I'm getting closer and closer though.

Quote: Rumi

I wonder how many times my heart will have to be broken before it finally opens again.

Emailing My Future Self

At church last Sunday, they had us do something that I thought was a really great idea. They had us write down what God has done for us in 2013 and what we are still waiting for in 2014. They had us put the list in an envelope addressed to ourselves and they are going to send it to us at the end of 2014.

I love the idea but I didn't have the time I needed to sit down and really think about it. I really wanted to do it with a more thought out list. Then I found EmailFuture.com. It's a site where you can send an email to yourself in the future. So, I wrote a better list of what I want to happen in 2014. I think 2013 has been covered pretty well here so I don't feel like I need to rehash it. I set up the email to be sent to me on December 31, 2014 at 11:45 pm. That is the latest time of day that they allow.

I hope it works. I think it will be so fun to be able to look at that list and compare it to how things really ended up.

Nyctophilia

Who knew there was a name for this?! I love the night and darkness. I sleep better, the darker it is. My best writing happens at night too. Nighttime is when I am most comfortable and most open.

Quote: Booker T. Washington

Friends who are of good quality are what I want this time around. I've made some very bad decisions in my past about the people that I brought into my life and I am not going to keep doing that. The problem is, where does one find people who are of good quality? Church is a possibility although two of the worst people I've ever met went to church. Of course, there are worse out there too. I am currently going to my aunt and uncle's church but I haven't met anyone that I can see myself making real friends with. So, where else would one go to meet good people? I haven't figured it out yet.

Haunting Pain

My pain still feels fresh
Like a wound just inflicted
With blood dripping down my chest

It tortures me still
It haunts me like vengeful ghosts
Pain that chains me to my past


I wrote this because for two nights in a row I found myself crying myself to sleep over the past. I am sick of thinking about it and writing about it. I'm really sick of feeling it. I'm ready to heal. I know that can't possibly happen as long as I only write about it. I should be talking about it with a therapist or at least other members of my family. I can't bear to do it though. I tried talking to my aunt once about being emotionally abused by my parents but she didn't want to hear it. She shut me down real quick with a parenting is hard speech. Kind of ironic that someone who dealt with people who had been abused in her career doesn't want to hear about it in her own family. That's how it usually goes though. Its that "these things only happen to other people" mentality. Oh well, I'll get up the courage to try again and I won't let her shut me down again.

Quote: Robert Polito

"I need a life that isn’t just about needing to escape my life."

-Robert Polito

I think I might be getting closer and closer to a life that I don't need to escape from.

Quote: Hugh MacLeod

“Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.” 

-Hugh MacLeod, Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity

Ha, I know this feeling. I definitely lost my creativity thanks to essay writing. It wasn't that long ago that my inner child decided that she wouldn't lay dormant anymore and has been demanding her crayons ever since.

Its Official!

I did it! I have moved. Well, I have, my stuff has not. Most of it is still in Washington ready to be shipped. Now I have to figure out how to make this work. The list in my head of everything I need to feel grounded and make a home here is ridiculously long. Fortunately, the list of what I need to get me going in the right direction is must shorter. It contains one item- Get a job.

Of course, there's all the paper work of becoming a resident but there's no point in doing that if I can't find a job. I won't be able to stay if that happens. But let's not think about that. I feel like this is the right place for me so I have to trust that things will work out.

Quote: Albert Einstein

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” 

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

I think this quote is supposed to apply to people older than me, but I feel like this now. I've had enough of all the expectations placed on me personally and women in general. I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it. I'm going to look the way I want to. I'm going to wear my hair natural, dress in the cute and feminine way that I want to, and I'm not going to worry about getting a tan. I'm going to go after the careers that I want even though people think I should just take whatever I can get. The list goes on. The bottom line is I am tired of living up to other peoples' standards instead of my own.

I disagree with the way this was said but I completely agree with the message. Its not right to shame anyone's body. All that matters is that a person is happy and healthy. You can't tell whether someone else is healthy just by looking at them. Some people are meant to be skinny and some are meant to be larger. Leave that between them and their doctor.

I also have a huge problem with double standards. You have no business complaining about any prejudice, body-shaming, and whatever else that you experience if you turn around and do it to someone else.

I can relate to this so much. I desperately want to let my pain and anger go and I hate what it has turned me into. I still can't figure out how to do it though. I'll keep writing and searching until I do figure it out though.

Quote: Lindy West, "Female 'Purity" Is Bullshit"

"The sexualization of women is only appealing if it’s nonconsensual. Otherwise it’s “sluttiness,”…. ” 

-Lindy West, “Female ‘Purity’ Is Bullshit”

This is very true. A woman's sexuality is only accepted if it is being expressed as an accessory or a trophy of a man. In other words, a woman's sexuality is only acceptable in this society if it is not in her control. That's so messed up. I've been trying to learn how to explore and take control of my own sexuality. Even though I haven't figured it out yet, I can see how beneficial it is and how detrimental the things I had been taught were. So many women are so damaged by having such an integral part of themselves taken away and turned into something dirty.

My New Tumblr

I decided to start a Tumblr. This blog is my way of exploring myself and figuring out what I want. I want to keep it that way but I also wanted to do something that was a little more fun but still related to this blog somehow. This is where tumblr comes in. I don't exactly have a direction that I want to take it yet, so I'll be exploring it. It might end up just being a place I post pretty things I find around the internet, we'll see. So, if you want to check it out and see how it evolves, here's the link.
The Blooming of the Porcelain Lotus Flower

I plan on changing the title. I want it to be a companion to this blog but I don't like that it has the exact same title, because its not the same. Maybe once I have a direction for it then I'll have a better title for it too.

Quote: Frank Sinatra

"I may sound old-fashioned, but I want to think all women should be treated like I want my wife, daughters, and granddaughters to be treated. I notice today that good manners—like standing up when a woman enters the room, helping a woman with her coat, letting her enter an elevator first, taking her arm to cross the street—are sometimes considered unnecessary or a throwback...no woman is offended by politeness." 

-Frank Sinatra

I don't really need anyone to stand when I enter a room or help me with my coat but I do appreciate politeness very much. Many of these actions that are considered old-fashioned or even offensive by some, I've grown to see as a way some men show respect and consideration. Sometimes it just depends on what a person's reasons for doing something are.