I want to start posting my own photography since I talk about it so much. I've been trying to figure out a good way to mark the photos as mine. I haven't found something I like yet but I'm going to go ahead and start posting them while I play with other options. If anyone knows a good free program I could use or has some advice please let me know. I'd really appreciate it!

This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The Pipa

The pipa is another instrument I want to learn to play. The music it creates is so beautiful and the instrument is actually beautiful to look at.

Changing and Growing

It's time to change this blog. I named this blog The Musings of the Dragonfly simply because it's my thoughts and because of what dragonflies symbolize to me. I wrote a poem about that here. The more I grow and discover the less I feel that way. Dragonflies still represent peace and harmony to me but they don't represent me and what I want.

I think the lotus flower represents me and what I want. I was looking for something that represented overcoming adversity. I wanted a flower because the cycle of a flower represents what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to grow, bloom, spread love and happiness to those around me (pollinate). I also wanted something that represented strength, grace, femininity, and beauty. All qualities I hope to have.

Lotus flowers are flowers. They grow, bloom and pollinate. That part is self explanatory. What's special to me about the lotus flower is that they grow out of mud and they are untainted by the mud. Mud, of course, represents adversity. Mud is usually gross and smelly. Plus, when was the last time you saw something beautiful come from mud. I want to grow out of the mud I've been in for so long, into something beautiful and untainted by it.

Because of the lotus flowers shape and beauty, they are often use it as an allegory for women in Chinese poetry. I as a woman, want to have grace and femininity. Things I believe I've always struggled with showing for fear of it being interpreted as weakness. Lotus flowers also represent strength because of their stems. Their stems are easy to bend but are very difficult to break. I see that as strength and adaptability.

If a lotus flower can be all these things, then maybe I can too. I hope that by embracing this and describing myself this way, I'll start to believe it and embody it. I'm also adding porcelain to it because I need to be aware of how fragile I truly am.

So this is why I am changing the title of this blog to The Blooming of the Porcelain Lotus Flower.

10 Things That Bother Me About Myself

1. I'm incredibly insecure.
2. I am a huge procrastinator.
3. I'm way too sensitive.
4. I am a very low energy person.
5. I'm lazy.
6. I have almost no female friends.
7. I am easily fooled by bad guys.
8. I put up with people hurting me way too much
9. I fear confronting some of the things that have happened to me.
10. I don't value myself as much as I should.

Crying

I couldn't stop crying yesterday. It wasn't a full cry. It was hours of tears constantly streaming down my face. I have thought for quite some time that I am in terrible need of a really good cry. I find that quite impossible to do though. Something in the back of my head reminds me that I have never felt better after crying. Crying makes me feel weak and out of control. It's a problem.

I've only ever cried during and after fights with my parents and boyfriends. On a rare occasion I've shed a couple of tears at a sad movie scene. Mostly I only cry during fights because I don't know any other way to release emotion.

See, growing up whenever I was upset about something my parents would either tell me to get over it or ask if I was on my period. Their favorite thing to say is, "It doesn't affect us if your upset. That only hurts you." Basically, I've always been taught that my emotions are irrelevant. If I was hurt by something, it didn't matter. It became far more hurtful to express my feelings than it was to bottle them up. I've never been in a situation where it was safe to be vulnerable and to express myself.

I think I'm at a point where I am completely full. It doesn't matter whether I'm safe or not. I have to be vulnerable and express myself because I have no other choice. Every little thing causes me to overflow. I'm still fighting it though. I'd give almost anything to be in a safe situation but I'm not and never will be. Unfortunately, releasing and cleansing is the only way I will be able to pick myself up. I won't have the means to leave the situation I'm in and create my own safe situation until I pick myself up.

Somehow, I have to learn to cry again. I want to curl my legs up under me, bury my face in my hands and between my knees, and sob. I want to release every hurt I've ever suffered. I have to learn to see crying as cathartic rather than a sign of weakness.

Desperate For Love

I am desperate to feel loved. I want one person to truly love me.

What is love to me? To me loving someone means you desire to take care of them. You will do anything to protect them, to support them, to push them to be their best. You build them up. You feel that it is your responsibility to make that person feel safe and cared for. You earn that person's trust so they are free to be completely open and vulnerable to you. You work everyday to deserve and maintain that trust. You pay attention to that person and notice mood changes. You listen when they need you to. Your happiness is connected to their happiness.

This isn't too much to ask for. I am not a nurturing person at all but I would do this for someone. It would come naturally because it is love.

I've never felt this. At least not during any part of my life that I can remember. There is no one in my life that feels like I deserve to be protected. There is no one I can truly trust. And it hurts my heart. It is the root of every problem that I have. My sense of self-worth is so low. It takes so much strength to maintain the minimal amount of self-worth that I have that I don't have the strength to build it up on my own.

I fear that I will never feel loved. I fear that because of this, I will never have the strength to achieve my goals and follow my dreams. If I have no self-worth, how can I open up my photography and my writing to criticism without being crushed?

So what do I do now? How do I overcome this? I have no idea.

Your Denial

I know why you ignore me
When you look at me you see your failures
You can't pretend that everything is fine
If you acknowledge me and what I've become
What you have turned me into

Everytime you didn't protect me
Is written on my face
Everytime you broke my heart
Is reflected in my eyes
Everytime you let him hurt me
Is carved into my skin


Your Denial by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Barbara De Angelis

“The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”

-Barbara De Angelis

One Step Closer

You might remember that I have a deep desire to learn how to play the violin. I've mentioned it a few times. Well, it turns out the my dad had bought a cheap one when he was in China. Since it was ten years ago he had forgotten what happened to it. He found it buried in the garage today!

I'm super excited! The first step was getting a violin. Now that that's taken care of, the next step is to make sure it's in good enough shape to learn on. I have no idea where to do that but I'm sure there's a good place around here. The final step will be to find someone who will teach me how to play for a reasonable price.

This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?
This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for

"Cold War" -Janelle Monae