Goal #1 for this year was to get my finances under control. I really don't know what that looks like so I picked a few things to focus on for the time being.
1. Investing
I wish I had started investing a long time ago. I thought about it for years and kept avoiding it because I did not know what I was doing and I could not afford to lose money. Fortunately, I found Ellevest. Unfortunately, now that I have decided to start, the Coronavirus comes around and causes stocks to drop. "major sigh" My job ended because of it too. "even bigger sigh" So this is on hold until things calm down a bit.
2. Emergency Fund
I'm slowly but surely building an emergency fund. It is going to take a long time because I don't make much more money than what covers food and bills. I just started and have been trying to work out how much of each paycheck I can devote to it while still having enough for everything else.
3. Budgeting
I have struggled so much with budgeting over the years. I've tried multiple apps, spreadsheets, and paper with no luck. I can't seem to make any system work for me. I need to come up with something that I can work at least for the time being.
It's a start. I am definitely on hold while this pandemic has the world shut down. I feel confident that I will be on the right track once everything is up and running again.
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
Thursday, March 19, 2020
The Fool
A new journey
A new beginning
Unaware and naive
But excited and optimistic
Prepared to learn and grow
Together with my faithful companion
Ready to venture into the unknown
Though rash decisions may be made
And inexperience will have consequences
Faith will be tested
And freedom will be achieved
Immature patterns will be revealed
And intuition will be developed
I have everything I need to start
It all begins with a leap of faith
The Fool by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
A new beginning
Unaware and naive
But excited and optimistic
Prepared to learn and grow
Together with my faithful companion
Ready to venture into the unknown
Though rash decisions may be made
And inexperience will have consequences
Faith will be tested
And freedom will be achieved
Immature patterns will be revealed
And intuition will be developed
I have everything I need to start
It all begins with a leap of faith
The Fool by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Thursday, March 12, 2020
Tarot and Journaling
My journaling practice has been very stagnant for a long time and I've been floundering without it. Journaling is what grounds me. Without it, I struggle. So far, nothing has really revived it. I've looked into creating different spiritual practices to ground me and the only thing I've really connected with are tarot and oracle cards.
I'm going to attempt to put journaling together with tarot and oracle cards. For starters, I want to try to write a poem in the first person, about each of the major arcana of the tarot. Each card has a "positive" and "negative" meaning that I plan on incorporating into each poem.
Let's see if this gets me writing again.
I'm going to attempt to put journaling together with tarot and oracle cards. For starters, I want to try to write a poem in the first person, about each of the major arcana of the tarot. Each card has a "positive" and "negative" meaning that I plan on incorporating into each poem.
Let's see if this gets me writing again.
Monday, February 17, 2020
Updating My 2020 Goals
It's mid-February and I already realized that I need to reevaluate my goals for the year. My goals were good but I realized that they were too focused on building a future business but not enough on other areas of my life. I'm not going to create the kind of business that I want by letting areas of my life fall by the wayside. I came up with something a bit more balanced.
Goal #1
Get my finances under control. Come up with a plan to invest regularly and to build an emergency fund.
Goal #2
Pick charities to support. I used to support some regularly but once money got tight I was unable to anymore. It won't be much right now but I'm tired of not making a difference for anyone. I believe in the butterfly effect so I believe that something small can lead to big things.
Goal #3
Take one journaling course, one NLP course, and one EFT course. I do believe in the power of these techniques and I would like to make them part of my life.
Goal #4
Create a mindfulness practice. I had a good morning routine going for a while but I began waking up in the night a lot and needing the extra sleep. So I'm going to try coming up with a short routine for the morning and a short one for after work. I always need a good way to decompress after a long day. Some part of the practice will include journaling.
Goal #5
Write one poem a month. I haven't written a poem in years and I'm not happy about it. I'm going to focus on getting my poetic voice back.
These goals feel much more balanced to me. Now to create a real plan for each one.
Goal #1
Get my finances under control. Come up with a plan to invest regularly and to build an emergency fund.
Goal #2
Pick charities to support. I used to support some regularly but once money got tight I was unable to anymore. It won't be much right now but I'm tired of not making a difference for anyone. I believe in the butterfly effect so I believe that something small can lead to big things.
Goal #3
Take one journaling course, one NLP course, and one EFT course. I do believe in the power of these techniques and I would like to make them part of my life.
Goal #4
Create a mindfulness practice. I had a good morning routine going for a while but I began waking up in the night a lot and needing the extra sleep. So I'm going to try coming up with a short routine for the morning and a short one for after work. I always need a good way to decompress after a long day. Some part of the practice will include journaling.
Goal #5
Write one poem a month. I haven't written a poem in years and I'm not happy about it. I'm going to focus on getting my poetic voice back.
These goals feel much more balanced to me. Now to create a real plan for each one.
Friday, January 3, 2020
2020 Theme of the Year
I'm doing something a bit different this year. This year will be the first year in a long time that I am not going to pick a guiding word of the year. It's been a few years since I really followed my guiding word. I keep having trouble focusing on my guiding words and really didn't know what I wanted out of them I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean and my only direction was to go east. I didn't even know what country I was going to. This year, I'm trying to have clear coordinates. I need a way to take the idea of a guiding word and make it more specific.
This year I'm going to try having a theme of the year. I think this will function as the destination. I'll have more than just a general direction.
My theme for the year is:
Building the Foundation
As you know, I've been really drawn to the idea of getting out of the corporate world, going into business for myself with a healthier business model than what I've experienced in the corporate world, and helping other women do the same. I'm trying to build a foundation for that.
To begin building that foundation, I'm also working on some goals that will function as the directions to get there.
Goal #1
Find a job that steps away from the typical corporate environment that I'm used to. I'm having trouble getting specific with this one. I have no idea what this looks like.
Goal #2
Take 2-3 journaling courses. I've been a bit stuck on my journey lately so I've been looking for new ways of looking at things to bring new things up in me. This is one of the reasons I've been so drawn to oracle cards lately. Journaling courses will let me learn from someone else. I do have a bit of an ulterior motive for this as well. I desire to make my own journaling courses and would like to see how some are structured.
Goal #3
Take neurolinguistic programming (NLP) and emotional freedom techniques (EFT) courses. This relates to goal #4. I am interested in mindset coaching and want to go beyond affirmations. These are tangible techniques that are backed by science and that's the direction I want to go.
Goal #4
Choose two coaching certifications to work towards. One will revolve around mindset. I want to be certified to teach NLP and EFT. The second will revolve around feminine embodiment.
Goal #5
Learn enough about Excel, Keynote, and maybe Goodnotes to decide if I want to sell spreadsheets and digital planning templates. This is something I've been thinking about but am not sure if it's something I want to do. It's a pretty saturated market and I don't know that I really have anything to add but it's worth looking into since it's something I like to do.
I'm going to spend more time refining these goals. I want them to be specific and measurable. I want to make sure I really am building a foundation that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life.
This year I'm going to try having a theme of the year. I think this will function as the destination. I'll have more than just a general direction.
My theme for the year is:
Building the Foundation
As you know, I've been really drawn to the idea of getting out of the corporate world, going into business for myself with a healthier business model than what I've experienced in the corporate world, and helping other women do the same. I'm trying to build a foundation for that.
To begin building that foundation, I'm also working on some goals that will function as the directions to get there.
Goal #1
Find a job that steps away from the typical corporate environment that I'm used to. I'm having trouble getting specific with this one. I have no idea what this looks like.
Goal #2
Take 2-3 journaling courses. I've been a bit stuck on my journey lately so I've been looking for new ways of looking at things to bring new things up in me. This is one of the reasons I've been so drawn to oracle cards lately. Journaling courses will let me learn from someone else. I do have a bit of an ulterior motive for this as well. I desire to make my own journaling courses and would like to see how some are structured.
Goal #3
Take neurolinguistic programming (NLP) and emotional freedom techniques (EFT) courses. This relates to goal #4. I am interested in mindset coaching and want to go beyond affirmations. These are tangible techniques that are backed by science and that's the direction I want to go.
Goal #4
Choose two coaching certifications to work towards. One will revolve around mindset. I want to be certified to teach NLP and EFT. The second will revolve around feminine embodiment.
Goal #5
Learn enough about Excel, Keynote, and maybe Goodnotes to decide if I want to sell spreadsheets and digital planning templates. This is something I've been thinking about but am not sure if it's something I want to do. It's a pretty saturated market and I don't know that I really have anything to add but it's worth looking into since it's something I like to do.
I'm going to spend more time refining these goals. I want them to be specific and measurable. I want to make sure I really am building a foundation that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life.
Monday, December 30, 2019
Moving Into 2020
With the onset of a new decade, I've been thinking about the last decade. I've been thinking about the events and looking for the lessons.
It has been a very difficult decade. I have experienced depression. The whole premise of this blog is healing from everything that led to the depression. I've had constant difficulties in the jobs area. I've had long periods of unemployment and then being mistreated and devalued when I do have a job. I experienced a quarter life crisis when I realized that I had spent the decade before this working to become a lawyer, only to find that is was not what I wanted to spend my life doing. I've been floundering ever since trying to figure out what I do want. I discovered that all of people who I had considered friends for most of my life, really were not my friends and hadn't been for a long time. It's been rough.
Lessons of the Last Decade
The biggest lesson of the past decade is that I need to stop trying to make it in the corporate world. I don't belong there. The corporate world violates my spirit and everything I am. I worked very hard and left every place I worked at better than it was when I got there, but have experienced nothing but abuse and dismissal by sexist and/or racist and/or exploitative bosses. Ultimately, that's what the corporate world is. It's a system designed to exploit the majority of people so that a few can line their pockets. However, this lesson has left me quite empty and perplexed. It's all I know and I have no idea how I can get out of that world.
Another lesson is that I need to be pickier about my relationships. Whether it is friendships or a romantic relationship, I need a real tribe. I'm in my 30s and have not really experienced that even though at one point I was sure I had. Despite being burned, I have to put myself out there and be ready to dive deep if I'm ever going to find my tribe.
I discovered that I have very little faith in my abilities. I have experienced quite a lot of disappointments and even some abuse in the past decade and it has severely affected my confidence. The abuse at certain jobs by far had the greatest effect. Quite frankly, I know the people who did it would delight in knowing that their abuse had the desired effect. I need to take my power back and get my confidence level up to where it should be.
Lastly, I need to follow my desires regardless of how little sense they seem to make. I've been incredibly drawn to the idea of becoming a mindset and feminine embodiment coach. I've done a lot of visualization and coaching always comes up. I want to get out of the toxic corporate structure but I also want to subvert it by helping other women do the same. It seems kind of crazy to be thinking about teaching other women to do something that I haven't figured out how to do myself. But, I'm looking at it as the end goal. That's the only way I can make sense of it.
I'm not yet sure where these lessons are going to take me. I'm not even sure how to implement them yet. I will be doing some serious reflecting and journaling in the days and weeks to come.
It has been a very difficult decade. I have experienced depression. The whole premise of this blog is healing from everything that led to the depression. I've had constant difficulties in the jobs area. I've had long periods of unemployment and then being mistreated and devalued when I do have a job. I experienced a quarter life crisis when I realized that I had spent the decade before this working to become a lawyer, only to find that is was not what I wanted to spend my life doing. I've been floundering ever since trying to figure out what I do want. I discovered that all of people who I had considered friends for most of my life, really were not my friends and hadn't been for a long time. It's been rough.
Lessons of the Last Decade
The biggest lesson of the past decade is that I need to stop trying to make it in the corporate world. I don't belong there. The corporate world violates my spirit and everything I am. I worked very hard and left every place I worked at better than it was when I got there, but have experienced nothing but abuse and dismissal by sexist and/or racist and/or exploitative bosses. Ultimately, that's what the corporate world is. It's a system designed to exploit the majority of people so that a few can line their pockets. However, this lesson has left me quite empty and perplexed. It's all I know and I have no idea how I can get out of that world.
Another lesson is that I need to be pickier about my relationships. Whether it is friendships or a romantic relationship, I need a real tribe. I'm in my 30s and have not really experienced that even though at one point I was sure I had. Despite being burned, I have to put myself out there and be ready to dive deep if I'm ever going to find my tribe.
I discovered that I have very little faith in my abilities. I have experienced quite a lot of disappointments and even some abuse in the past decade and it has severely affected my confidence. The abuse at certain jobs by far had the greatest effect. Quite frankly, I know the people who did it would delight in knowing that their abuse had the desired effect. I need to take my power back and get my confidence level up to where it should be.
Lastly, I need to follow my desires regardless of how little sense they seem to make. I've been incredibly drawn to the idea of becoming a mindset and feminine embodiment coach. I've done a lot of visualization and coaching always comes up. I want to get out of the toxic corporate structure but I also want to subvert it by helping other women do the same. It seems kind of crazy to be thinking about teaching other women to do something that I haven't figured out how to do myself. But, I'm looking at it as the end goal. That's the only way I can make sense of it.
I'm not yet sure where these lessons are going to take me. I'm not even sure how to implement them yet. I will be doing some serious reflecting and journaling in the days and weeks to come.
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
New Moon Ritual
In my desire to be more mindful, I've started paying more attention to the moon cycles. I realized that I bleed around the full moon. This kind of amazed me because the full moon is about releasing and that's exactly what menstruation is, releasing what is not needed. I decided to honor the moon cycles with rituals for the new moon and the full moon. I'm still figuring out what I want to do for the full moon since I also want to honor my menstruation and how low my energy is during that time. I did come up with a new moon ritual though.
Step 1
First I cleanse myself. I take a hot shower and go the extra step of using a scrub to exfoliate. I take my time and let the process relax my body and mind.
Step 2
During or after cleansing myself, I cleanse my space. I'm a big believer in energy and as an empathetic being I find that energy can really affect me so I want to cleanse the energy in my space. My current favorite way to do that is with sound. I intend on getting a singing bowl so that I can do this myself but until then I've found some really great videos on YouTube for this. I know that sounds strange and not too long ago I would have raised an eyebrow if I heard someone say that but I can't deny how I feel after listening to one. I even left one playing while I went outside and my home felt better when I came back. It just felt lighter. So I set up everything I plan to use for this ritual and let the video play until I feel like the energy is lighter.
As for the items I use during this ritual. First I pull out two cards from the Arcana of Astrology deck. I pull the moon phase card and the corresponding astrology sign. For instance, tonight's new moon is the new moon in sagittarius so I'll pull out the new moon card and the sagittarius card. I have a beeswax candle, incense, some crystals with special meaning to me, an oracle deck that I use, and a special pen and notebook.
Step 3
When I'm ready to start, I light the candle and the incense and then pick a guided new moon meditation to do. Once again, YouTube is my friend here. The two channels I follow specifically for guided meditations are Gaia Meditation and Om Shaanti Meditation.
Step 4
Once my mind is focused from the meditation, I do whatever oracle card spread I've chosen (usually something I've found on Instagram) and spend some time thinking about what cards I pulled. The oracle deck I am using currently is the Kuan Yin Oracle by Alana Fairchild. I do plan on getting others that are a bit more balanced for this though. I take that special journal and write down the questions I asked and the answers the cards helped me come up with. In the same notebook, I use a technique called scripting or pray rain journaling. With how popular the Law of Attraction has been lately then you have probably heard about scripting. For me, I write out an ideal situation, based on the answers I got, in the present tense focusing on the emotions such a situation would give me and gratitude. It's a way for me to get clearer about the things that I want and to get my brain focused on moving in that direction. My next step is to write my intention for that moon cycle and I end the whole thing with the words, "So it is".
It sounds like a lot but the whole thing takes about an hour, maybe an hour and a half if I spend a long time journaling.
I've been doing this for a few cycles now and so far I have been enjoying it very much. It is helping me slowly change my mindset and figure out what I want.
Step 1
First I cleanse myself. I take a hot shower and go the extra step of using a scrub to exfoliate. I take my time and let the process relax my body and mind.
Step 2
During or after cleansing myself, I cleanse my space. I'm a big believer in energy and as an empathetic being I find that energy can really affect me so I want to cleanse the energy in my space. My current favorite way to do that is with sound. I intend on getting a singing bowl so that I can do this myself but until then I've found some really great videos on YouTube for this. I know that sounds strange and not too long ago I would have raised an eyebrow if I heard someone say that but I can't deny how I feel after listening to one. I even left one playing while I went outside and my home felt better when I came back. It just felt lighter. So I set up everything I plan to use for this ritual and let the video play until I feel like the energy is lighter.
As for the items I use during this ritual. First I pull out two cards from the Arcana of Astrology deck. I pull the moon phase card and the corresponding astrology sign. For instance, tonight's new moon is the new moon in sagittarius so I'll pull out the new moon card and the sagittarius card. I have a beeswax candle, incense, some crystals with special meaning to me, an oracle deck that I use, and a special pen and notebook.
Step 3
When I'm ready to start, I light the candle and the incense and then pick a guided new moon meditation to do. Once again, YouTube is my friend here. The two channels I follow specifically for guided meditations are Gaia Meditation and Om Shaanti Meditation.
Step 4
Once my mind is focused from the meditation, I do whatever oracle card spread I've chosen (usually something I've found on Instagram) and spend some time thinking about what cards I pulled. The oracle deck I am using currently is the Kuan Yin Oracle by Alana Fairchild. I do plan on getting others that are a bit more balanced for this though. I take that special journal and write down the questions I asked and the answers the cards helped me come up with. In the same notebook, I use a technique called scripting or pray rain journaling. With how popular the Law of Attraction has been lately then you have probably heard about scripting. For me, I write out an ideal situation, based on the answers I got, in the present tense focusing on the emotions such a situation would give me and gratitude. It's a way for me to get clearer about the things that I want and to get my brain focused on moving in that direction. My next step is to write my intention for that moon cycle and I end the whole thing with the words, "So it is".
It sounds like a lot but the whole thing takes about an hour, maybe an hour and a half if I spend a long time journaling.
I've been doing this for a few cycles now and so far I have been enjoying it very much. It is helping me slowly change my mindset and figure out what I want.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
The Universe Is Toying With Me
It's interesting and annoying how the universe works. Just when I began thinking about which career path to take, I came across a class on Udemy for Wellness Coaching and it was massively discounted. I bought it because I was pretty sure it would be a great way to figure out if coaching was the direction I wanted to go. That was the interesting part. The annoying part is that a couple of days later I was let go from my job. I had just started trying to figure out what my next step should be and now I don't know what I'm going to do.
Friday, August 16, 2019
Career Path Conundrum
For the first time in a long time, I feel the urge to write. I've been frustrated with my lack of desire to write. I could not figure out why something that had helped me so much was no longer drawing me. I think I finally figured it out. I journal to heal, to work through jumbled thoughts, to bring things I have suppressed to the surface. It's so valuable and so necessary but so exhausting. I think I was exhausted and needed time to go with the flow. Everyone needs a break sometimes and with all of the struggles I have had in the real world, I just could not keep taking those on as long as I was putting so much energy into healing. I think Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs explains it best. Food, shelter and safety has to come first. When those things are a struggle you just will not be able to focus on anything else.
For the time being I have those things taken care of and am now able to look beyond that again. However, my focus has to be on my career. It has been as you can see from my last few posts. Hating my job is so destructive. Dreading each day, being bored, not growing, and sleeping away the weekends due to exhaustion is not how we are supposed to live. I'm struggling though. I see two potential career paths but both will require a lot of time and energy. I find myself frozen at a fork in the road.
One career path is as a Business Process Consultant primarily for small business and coaches. It will fulfill my need to solve problems, stretch my creativity, and build something on a business level. My time as temp helped me discover this skill and it turned into a desire but I know I started thinking about this because I have not journaled in so long and no longer felt qualified to pursue becoming a journaling coach. I know that things happen for a reason and the path twists and turns. That time away from journaling could have been what I needed to explore other areas of my life and develop other skills. This new career path could just be a way for me to avoid the work required for my other potential career path. I am not sure.
My other career path is as a Wellness Coach. I've wanted to become a journaling coach for awhile but I moved away from it when I stopped journaling. I never let go of it though and have thought about expanding the idea to include herbalism. This career path excites me more if I am honest but it is still so ambiguous for me. No path is truly clear but this feels more like a mirage than a path.
This is a very odd conundrum for me because in the past when I was struggling to make a decision, I knew I was leaning towards one. This time, I don't feel like I'm leaning either way. It's a brand new type of struggle for me.
For the time being I have those things taken care of and am now able to look beyond that again. However, my focus has to be on my career. It has been as you can see from my last few posts. Hating my job is so destructive. Dreading each day, being bored, not growing, and sleeping away the weekends due to exhaustion is not how we are supposed to live. I'm struggling though. I see two potential career paths but both will require a lot of time and energy. I find myself frozen at a fork in the road.
One career path is as a Business Process Consultant primarily for small business and coaches. It will fulfill my need to solve problems, stretch my creativity, and build something on a business level. My time as temp helped me discover this skill and it turned into a desire but I know I started thinking about this because I have not journaled in so long and no longer felt qualified to pursue becoming a journaling coach. I know that things happen for a reason and the path twists and turns. That time away from journaling could have been what I needed to explore other areas of my life and develop other skills. This new career path could just be a way for me to avoid the work required for my other potential career path. I am not sure.
My other career path is as a Wellness Coach. I've wanted to become a journaling coach for awhile but I moved away from it when I stopped journaling. I never let go of it though and have thought about expanding the idea to include herbalism. This career path excites me more if I am honest but it is still so ambiguous for me. No path is truly clear but this feels more like a mirage than a path.
This is a very odd conundrum for me because in the past when I was struggling to make a decision, I knew I was leaning towards one. This time, I don't feel like I'm leaning either way. It's a brand new type of struggle for me.
Friday, March 8, 2019
My Oracle Card Reading
I was thinking about my last post. I have recently been intrigued by oracle cards. I don't believe they have divination powers or anything like that. I view them the same way I view journal prompts. They are a way to look at something in a new way or bring subconscious thoughts to the forefront. So I thought I would try pulling some cards to see what shakes loose.
I won't go into details about oracle cards themselves but I pulled a spread of 4 cards. One to get to the heart of the issue, one for how to heal, one for the special guidance that I already know deep down, and one for guidance for the future. Once again, these cards are similar to journal prompts so the results could be viewed as very generic but they did get me thinking.
Heart of the Issue: I am still tethered to past hurts and lessons. I have not cut cords and completely unlearned lessons so I have been unable to move forward. I will keep repeating the same cycle until I have completely released the past.
This definitely true. I have been mistreated at every job that I have had and I always struggle to release it. I still find myself getting very angry about what happened at my last job. I also struggle with letting go of the things that I have been taught about careers and the proper steps. I come from a conservative, religious, right-wing family and have had everything that comes with that drilled into my head. The steps for being successful ( go to college, get a job, move up the ladder) have worked for everyone in my family, except for me. I am the example that it doesn't work for everyone but instead of acknowledging that, I am constantly being told that something is wrong with me. I have to get out of the corporate cookie-cutter mindset and take the leap to something else, even though I have no support.
How to Heal: I need to surrender to the changes going on within me and around me, while remaining strong in my convictions about what I should be striving for despite what people are telling me.
Releasing everything I have been taught and moving forward is really my only option. I know that the standard 9-5 job will never work for me and no amount of criticism, lectures, and advice will ever change that. My mind is slowly wrapping around that but I am a bit frantic as I try to figure out another path. I need to tone that frantic energy down by surrendering to the process.
Special Guidance: Do not judge myself or my situation. Trust my discernment and focus on using it to make my future choices. Trust my vision.
Most of the time I just feel like a fool for being in this situation. I've been trapped in this cycle for so long and I feel foolish for not being able to get out. I know that judging myself this way does not help but I'm still doing it. I need to find a way to take that energy and put it into connecting with my intuition and developing discernment.
Guidance for the Future: Keep pushing forward. Choose to rise instead of being taken over by depression. Have compassion for yourself as you have had a very hard road. Remember that you have been given power to co-create your reality.
This one annoyed me. If I knew how to rise instead of being taken over by depression, I wouldn't be in this mess. My depression has always been situational. It rears its ugly head whenever some part of my life is in shambles, especially when it's something that I have worked very hard on. So all of the standard advice about how to get rid of it never works for me. Daily nature walks can never change the fact that something I poured my heart into blew up in my face. I have yet to find a way to keep that kind of depression at bay. I do find it very hard to truly have compassion for myself so that could be the main issue.
Whatever one thinks about things like oracle cards, doing this did help me calm my mind and begin to organize my thoughts. I feel a bit more grounded and I have a bit more energy to keep moving forward.
I won't go into details about oracle cards themselves but I pulled a spread of 4 cards. One to get to the heart of the issue, one for how to heal, one for the special guidance that I already know deep down, and one for guidance for the future. Once again, these cards are similar to journal prompts so the results could be viewed as very generic but they did get me thinking.
Heart of the Issue: I am still tethered to past hurts and lessons. I have not cut cords and completely unlearned lessons so I have been unable to move forward. I will keep repeating the same cycle until I have completely released the past.
This definitely true. I have been mistreated at every job that I have had and I always struggle to release it. I still find myself getting very angry about what happened at my last job. I also struggle with letting go of the things that I have been taught about careers and the proper steps. I come from a conservative, religious, right-wing family and have had everything that comes with that drilled into my head. The steps for being successful ( go to college, get a job, move up the ladder) have worked for everyone in my family, except for me. I am the example that it doesn't work for everyone but instead of acknowledging that, I am constantly being told that something is wrong with me. I have to get out of the corporate cookie-cutter mindset and take the leap to something else, even though I have no support.
How to Heal: I need to surrender to the changes going on within me and around me, while remaining strong in my convictions about what I should be striving for despite what people are telling me.
Releasing everything I have been taught and moving forward is really my only option. I know that the standard 9-5 job will never work for me and no amount of criticism, lectures, and advice will ever change that. My mind is slowly wrapping around that but I am a bit frantic as I try to figure out another path. I need to tone that frantic energy down by surrendering to the process.
Special Guidance: Do not judge myself or my situation. Trust my discernment and focus on using it to make my future choices. Trust my vision.
Most of the time I just feel like a fool for being in this situation. I've been trapped in this cycle for so long and I feel foolish for not being able to get out. I know that judging myself this way does not help but I'm still doing it. I need to find a way to take that energy and put it into connecting with my intuition and developing discernment.
Guidance for the Future: Keep pushing forward. Choose to rise instead of being taken over by depression. Have compassion for yourself as you have had a very hard road. Remember that you have been given power to co-create your reality.
This one annoyed me. If I knew how to rise instead of being taken over by depression, I wouldn't be in this mess. My depression has always been situational. It rears its ugly head whenever some part of my life is in shambles, especially when it's something that I have worked very hard on. So all of the standard advice about how to get rid of it never works for me. Daily nature walks can never change the fact that something I poured my heart into blew up in my face. I have yet to find a way to keep that kind of depression at bay. I do find it very hard to truly have compassion for myself so that could be the main issue.
Whatever one thinks about things like oracle cards, doing this did help me calm my mind and begin to organize my thoughts. I feel a bit more grounded and I have a bit more energy to keep moving forward.
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