The Soil Itself Is Toxic

When I started this theme of the year of clearing the weeds, I really had it in my head that I was going to be purging. Clearing out my apartment was my main focus. I thought that I was holding on to bad energy (weeds) and by cleaning up and getting rid of things, I would let go of that energy and make room for better. Well, I was not entirely wrong but what I am really starting to understand is that it goes deeper than I expected. The soil that I have cultivated is the perfect environment for these invasive and toxic plants and I planted the seeds. The way that I learned to cope with certain things and how to navigate the situations I was in created this. It again,  reminds me of the poem I wrote years ago, My Prison. I cultivated this soil and planted these seeds to protect myself only for it to turn around and harm me. So this leads to the big question. How do I go about cultivating new soil? I did it once on an unconscious level. How do I now do it consciously?

I don't have a real answer but since this all started with me trying to protect myself, I decided to put my focus in to creating a new sense of safety and security for myself. I'm starting with my apartment. I am working on creating a sanctuary for myself. I have done a lot of purging but I do not have much in the way of organization or furniture. I want to have all of the things I want in my apartment but I want everything to have a place. Clutter has really been getting to me lately. 

I also want to fix my finances. I have ADHD and I struggle with things like impulse buying and forgetting about upcoming bills. Something common for people with ADHD is "out of sight, out of mind" issues. Anything that is not right in my face gets forgotten about. I've tried putting everything on my calendar but it has not been helpful. This has created quite a but of stress and caused me to put too many bill payments on my credit card. This kind of stress and insecurity seems to trigger a lot of bad habits in me. Plus, furniture and organization systems are expensive. I won't be able to create my sanctuary without a solid financial plan.

I'm not sure exactly what this looks like yet but I already have a couple of things in motion and it feels good.