Overwhelmed

Overly stressed out
Very frazzled
Everything is going wrong
Really tired of trying
Working so hard for nothing
Having to keep going
Even though nothing is working
Living in frustration
Mess and chaos
Everything coming at me at once
Disaster is looming


Overwhelmed by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 219

Cheeks flushed, fists raised to sky
Swearing at the heavens
Threats disappearing in the wind
Life is pressing in around him
Lists of undone projects a mile long
Unpaid bills left in stacks on his desk
He dreads calls from his boss
He goes to his home, his nexus
To his wife, his heart, his one and only
Sharing his chaos with his confidant
Finally relaxing because of her tender touch

This was inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 219. I haven't done one these in two years! My writing practice has suffered so much lately. I can't figure out why when I'm in the storm of chaos and confusion, when I need writing most, I seize up. I'm finally starting to write again, now that the storm has calmed a bit. I'm still stressed out though. I'm not out of the storm yet. I just wish I had someone with a tender touch who can help me relax.


The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 219 by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at https://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2015/10/04/wordle-219/.

Quote: Coach Thais

Freedom is a manifestation of responsibility. The more responsibility we take in life, the more freedom we find. A dog has no responsibility for food or shelter, but also has no freedom. A wolf, on the other hand, has total responsibility for his life... but also total freedom.

- Coach Thais

Blocked!

Things are weird for me right now. I'm unemployed and have been for months. Whenever I got too frustrated I would waste time online. While I was doing that I suddenly started seeing ad after ad for online web development courses. I started taking a couple of these classes and began seeing myself making a career out of it. It will also help me with some of my other goals. So, I've decided to pursue it.

I was super excited about this decision for awhile and was moving forward. Suddenly I stopped moving forward. I'm still happy with the decision but I have some weird block when it comes to moving towards it. I can't concentrate on my classes or my books. I can't figure out what is stopping me. I don't know if I'm afraid of failure, overwhelmed by the immense amount of information I'm sorting through, if I'm missing something internal that needs worked on, a combination of all three, or something I haven't thought of yet.

I also don't really have any support with this. My aunt and uncle won't accept anything that isn't traditional schooling or a traditional 9-5 job. My parents are semi supportive but not much. I've been going to meetups and workshops hoping to learn more and meet like-minded people. I'm a shy introvert so that is likely to take some serious time to work.

This is exactly why I created this blog! Just from that little bit of writing I now understand that it is the overwhelm that is really the problem and the reason I'm shutting down. Not only is changing a career completely overwhelming but not having a job and being hassled about it regularly, watching my bank account dwindle, constantly defending myself, and trying to reach out for relationships are all overwhelming as well. Fortunately, I must have subconsciously known this because I've recently changed my planner to help me focus and track my time. So, we'll see how it goes.

Fire Dance

Dancing and swaying
To music of its own
The most sensual of movement


I was watching a beeswax candle burn and this is what popped into my head. There was something beautiful about the way that flame moved.

Fire Dancing by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Quote: Anaïs Nin

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

 - Anaïs Nin

Severed Parts

Heart, mind and body
Existing separately in one person

Mind is most active
Originally a fierce protector
Now a tyrannical dictator
Unwilling to give up power
For fear of calamity

Heart is imprisoned
Blamed for decisions that caused pain
Deemed unfit to lead
Now lies cold and dormant
Completely ostracized

Body is just a shell
Used only for basic functions
All sensation is gone
Desire completely diminished
No longer able to communicate


This poem is going to have to stay unfinished for now. It's exactly where I am right now and probably won't progress until I do.


Severed Parts by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Missing Piece

I've been seeing a lot of different posts and memes about how you attract what you are or what you need. Of course, these kinds of things are quite disconcerting considering the number of abusive people I've attracted in my life. However, they've caused me to think about why I attract the kind of people I do. Throughout my life, I've attracted men that are abusive and degrading and women who do not value me as their friend.

It's no secret that I have a huge amount of stuff that I'm working through, slowly. I know that I needed those abusive relationships because that was the only way that I would step back and address my lack of self value. I'm still attracting these kinds of men but now my eyes are open and I get rid of them quickly. I'm stuck when it comes to the friendship issues though. I keep attracting women who seem to think that I am solely responsible for making efforts and growing the relationship and have for as long as I can remember.

So, what's the missing piece? Why am I still attracting these kinds of people even after all the personal progress I've made?

Something I really wish I had is a mentor. Someone with more experience and who has fully embraced every part of themselves who would be able to point out the things that I can't see or am avoiding. That is asking a lot though. That kind of person doesn't just fall out of the sky and doesn't exist in my current realm. I really do need to find someone that I can talk to, really talk to.

Facebook and Instagram Profiles

I finally started a Facebook profile for my blog. I wanted to stay anonymous but still open up another avenue to connect with people. It will also allow me to join groups and express things without dealing with the disapproval of certain family members. I'll save that for when I'm more connected with myself and stronger in who I am.

I also started an Instagram profile a while ago. I'm not very active on it. I mostly just follow other people to get inspiration but I'd be happy to connect with people there as well.

You can find the badges in the right column, down where my other links are.

**Update** Facebook blocked me from my account saying that it was fake. That seems to mean I didn't put enough personal information on my profile. They put me through some crazy test where they showed me three random photos from my friends profiles and I had to correctly name them. Of course, there is no guarantee that the random photos are actually of the person. One they showed me was all memes and another was all pictures of their extended family. I don't know about you, but I don't know the extended families of everyone I know. But that's the point. After I went through their test they told me that the only way I could regain access to my profile was to send in my driver's license, social security card, or a copy of one of my utility bills. None of these things do they have any business asking for. It's all about getting personal information. I know someone else who had a profile for 10 years and went through the same thing. It's not a coincidence that it happened shortly after she refused to download their messenger which would have given them direct access to her phone and all of her contacts. Watch yourselves and be very careful what information you give them.

Warning! - Talking About Sexuality

I've been on a quest to try and develop more discipline in my life. It's been pretty slow going. Trying to break 20 year old habits and create new ones is not a simple task. It's basically a full brain rewiring.

I had made a vision board to help me narrow down what my goals are and to focus. I found myself going in circles though.

An online course came along that I had wanted to take last year but couldn't afford to. It is called Vaginal Kung Fu by Kim Anami. I came across this class and was very intrigued by the idea of a better way to strengthen your pelvic floor. I've done kegels ever since I heard about them but with no real results. This class was going to teach me a better way to do them, with a yoni egg. In the end, the class taught me so much more.

As soon as I received my egg, I tried to use it. I was completely shocked by how numb my vagina was. As the class progressed, I realized that it was actually my whole body that was numb. My coping mechanism growing up was to leave the physical world and retreat into my imagination and it continued into my adulthood. Now, I've spent so much time disconnecting from reality that I'm actually disconnected from my body. I need to get out of my head and back into my body.

This realization has finally brought some clarity to me. I've been stuck for quite some time and couldn't figure out why. Now I think it's because I keep trying to move forward while leaving parts of myself behind, specifically my sexuality. Between growing up in a conservative home, living in a society that objectifies women and experiencing abuse, I never had a chance at embracing that part of myself. Now that has to change. I'm hoping that I am correct and that getting my sexual energy flowing is the missing piece.

While I have no clear idea of how to get back into my body, I am trying some things. I'm working on a morning stretch and exercise routine that will hopefully help get my body moving and wake it up. I'm going to add sensual movement to the routine. I also made a waist chain and some waist beads. I'm attempting to kill two birds with one stone with this one. I've never been a fan of my torso and I hate my hips. I figured that if I adorn them with something beautiful then I might begin to see them differently. I also want them to help me become more aware of my core. I have noticed that the women who seem to be the most comfortable with themselves move from their core. They let their womb area guide them. I could be looking too much into that but women who fully embrace themselves definitely move from their core.

Since I'm working on embracing my body, I'll go ahead and show a picture of my waist wearing my waist chain and waist beads.