End of the Year Thoughts

 As we move towards the new year, I've been thinking heavily about the past. The past few years have been really hard on me and this year especially. I actually felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown for a while. I am exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had to spend some real serious time figuring out why.

I agree with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. In my early adult life, the lowest level of my pyramid was covered. However, I was extremely depressed. I was living with my parents and the relationship was terrible. My brother was there too and he and his friends were violent, on drugs, would party and drink, were getting arrested regularly. I had cops show up while I was in the shower and then threaten to come back in the middle of the night so they could drag me out of my bed naked, because I had the audacity to get dressed before answering the door. On top of that, my depression was too much for my so-called friends. They did not see me and my friendship as worth the effort so they left. So my safety needs were not be met and my love and belonging needs were not met. I started this blog during that time because I desperately needed an outlet and something that made me feel grounded even if it was just barely.

I moved in with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta in my mid-twenties in an attempt to get out of that situation and to try and get on my feet. It took a few months but I found a job. It was part-time and took about 8 months to become full-time. During that time, my aunt and uncle took half of my income, despite what they told me before I moved in about not doing that. Most of the rest of my income went to necessities, gas, toiletries, food, etc. I managed to set aside enough to buy a bed and a desk. My physiological needs were taken care of and my safety needs were finally taken care of. I began working on meeting people and trying to make friends. Once the job became full-time, I started looking for my own apartment. I really wasn't making enough money for that but I figured out a very strict budget that would allow me to move out. Before I was able to complete the process, I was laid off. I was unable to find another job. I applied to over 100 jobs without getting a single interview. I reached out to people at church and only a couple of people attempted to help. Once again, people did not see me as worth the effort. My aunt and uncle ended up kicking me out as well. So then I was back to square one.

I moved back across the country, back in with my parents. Things were different this time and my physiological needs and my safety needs were met. I was able to very quickly start trying to meet people. I started working temp jobs, hoping one would turn in to a full-time job. One did, and I was able to move into my own apartment. I did not meet friends but I did meet a man that I ended up getting into a relationship with and he moved in with me. It was my first relationship in 8 years. I still wanted friends but I felt secure and loved. Then in typical fashion, the job turned in to a disaster. The CEO was abusive and the advisors saw it happening and contributed to it. I was eventually fired. Then it took six months to find another job and my boyfriend could not handle being the sole breadwinner. He lashed out and really was not there for me while I was recovering from the abuse I experienced and dealing with the struggle that comes with being unable to find a job.

I finally was able to go back to temp jobs and my relationship improved. Two years later, finally a temp job became a full time job and I feel comfortable at this job. However, I still have not found friends in this city. I also realized recently that I will never be able to view my boyfriend the way I did before. My physiological needs are met and my safety needs are met but I no longer feel loved like I used to. I am seriously considering whether I should stay in the relationship. 

This is why I am exhausted. I have spent almost 15 years of adulthood trying to meet my most basic needs. I've also been doing it without any real support. People were not meant to live in a constant struggle and we certainly were not meant to struggle alone. Something has to change or I will experience some kind of breakdown. I don't know what the answer is but I will be going in to this new year with a real need to take a step in a new direction.