Theme of the Year

This year has been hard on me emotionally. My theme of the year was "tending the garden" and it took me out. I felt like the second I started trying, I got hopelessly tangled up in the mass of thorns. It always amazes me what kind of mess I am left with when I come out of a depressive time. It always shows up in all aspects of my life, mentally, emotionally, and physically and this time it was made so much worse by a bad relationship where he just had no regard. It feels like all that is left in thorns and kudzu. I have been very overwhelmed. It feels like much of my progress that I have made since I started this blog is gone. I know that isn't true but I still have major feelings of resentment and failure. There's also a deep feeling of shame.

So obviously my new theme for the year needs to be:

Clearing the Weeds

For sure, this will include continuing to declutter and reorganize my apartment. I have been depression nesting for a couple of years now and I've been ready to clear it out. I started clearing things out back in December and the recent move really helped me clear some things out. I will be carefully going through everything I still own and deciding if I want to keep it or if it is time to move it on. I still feel like the energy needs cleared in a way that music, frequencies, tingsha bells, and sage just can't accomplish. 

This is also going to include detoxing my body. I still have damage from being on birth control for so many years. I was on birth control for PCOS and now that I stopped taking it, the PCOS has been making itself known. I also have not been eating very well. My skin looks dull, I've gained a lot of weight, and I have so little energy. I am going to learn about lymphatic drainage massage and I am looking into cleanses. I am working on changing my diet so that it doesn't take too much energy to make food but is still healthy. I've started taking some supplements as well. I know that supplements aren't the best but I think they will help as I rebuild my health and get my diet to a good place.

This is going to be a long process and not simple, so I am focusing on these two aspects and not thinking beyond it. The reality is that it will likely take the majority of the year or more to feel like I've made any progress.

Spring

Season of sex and creativity

Planting seeds to tend this year

Rested & rejuvenated, ready to create something new

Invigorated by the earth's renewal

New life begins to come forth

Grand celebrations abound

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Moving

 I am overwhelmed. For two months now I have been dealing with the roof of my apartment leaking badly. I have had to empty 5 gallon buckets full of putrid roof water multiple times. I have had 4 major leaking incidents with 5 separate spots in my ceiling leaking each time. It has soaked in to the carpets and floorboards and it has leaked in the walls as well. Most of my towels are ruined from mopping up the water. I am not able to get the smell out anymore. The property manager has been aware of the issue and maintenance has been in my apartment multiple times. It has been an exhausting experience and I might actually be a bit traumatized. Everything sounds like dripping water to me. The normal creaks of the apartment, my dogs licking themselves or drinking water, actual dripping outside freaks me out. I have woken up in a panic so many times, thinking I heard dripping water.

I finally lost it after coming home from a long day at work (this is the busy season) and finding my bathroom floor covered in water yet again. I left a very long message with the main office accusing them of exposing me to a major health hazard and demanding to know when they were going to fix the roof. Instead they let me know that there was going to be an apartment available that I could move into. Although it is not an ideal apartment as it is not on the second floor, it is a solution that works for me. Of course, they aren't going to help me move like they should, so that means that once the apartment is available, I will be spending every night moving myself until I can get people to help me on the weekend.

I had already started going through my things to try and get rid of stuff I don't want or need anymore but I was trying to be very mindful about it, only doing it when I am in the right headspace and trying to donate whatever I can so it has been a very slow process. Now, I am going to have to finish that up as I move and won't be able to be as mindful. I know that I have way too much stuff from depression nesting for a couple of years. I know that I will feel so much better once I get rid of a lot of it. But I am so overwhelmed thinking about this process and what it is going to take to get it done.

New Year, Sorta

 Last year I decided that it did not make any sense to me that we start the year in the middle of winter. This is a time when we are drawn to rest and reflect but instead we push ourselves to start new things and stay busy. I decided that I would start to view the first day of Spring as the first day of the year.

I still feel that way but I want to find a way to still make this time of year meaningful. I am taking a couple of Susannah Conway's courses. I am spending some time journaling in an actual notebook instead of on here. I think I need the act of writing pen to paper. I also received a tarot deck and workbook that scream late winter/early spring to me so I am going to work through the workbook starting February 2nd. I'm learning to live more seasonally so this is my nod to the winter ending and spring beginning.

I hope that this time will give me some clarity for the upcoming year and give me a head start on figuring out what I want to do, what I want to work on, what I need to leave behind, and what I want to call in to my life.

Theme of the Year

 Even though I'm doing things differently this year, I decided to keep an old standby. I have chosen a guiding word of the year for years now. However, they have been hit and miss. In 2020, I tried choosing a theme of the year. That was going very well and likely would have been quite successful if the world hadn't fallen apart. Once the pandemic hit, I did not get to hunker down and quarantine. I lost my job and had to find a new one. The job I found, still required me to deal with the public so after work I would just come home a rest. Trying to keep my job and my health were my only goals. 

In 2021, I didn't even bother. That year was more about recalibrating, accepting and getting used to the new normal. I progressed at my job but didn't really have the bandwidth for much else.

Now, in 2022, I want to get back on my path. I didn't get to really work with my theme of the year in 2020 so I am going to try working with a theme of the year that works with my desire to live more seasonally in 2022.

My theme of the year is:

Tending the Garden

If you have read this blog over the years, then you know that I have planted a lot of seeds but struggle to bring them to fruition. This year I'm going to try to change that. I went back over my posts and listed all of the seeds that I want to try to grow again only this time, I am going to spend more time creating a plan to properly care for the seeds. Some of them are quite lofty so I will focus on the basic ones, ones that will build a foundation (my theme for 2020) and create fertile soil. As you can tell, I'm really loving the gardening analogies.

Spring Equinox as the New Year

 Every year around the new year, I sit down and reflect on the previous year. I download Susannah Conway's Unravel Your Year workbook and sometimes other workbooks I want to try, get them printed, and try to work through them. I also choose a guiding word or theme for the year. Almost every year, it doesn't work out. I always find it to be such a struggle. I struggle to fill out the workbooks completely. I struggle to plan out the next year. Whatever I end up coming up with, I lose focus on it quickly. 

This year, I'm trying something different. The past couple of years, I've been paying attention to my natural urges and noticed that I tend to feel more eager to plan my year around March and April. Then last year, I really started thinking about the idea of living seasonally and decided to try it out. 

When you think about it, it doesn't make much sense for January 1st to be considered the new year. It is the middle of winter. The world, at least the northern hemisphere, it still at rest. Nothing is happening. It doesn't match up with natural cycles in any way. I started to realize that I tend to view the beginning of spring as the new year. So this year, I am running with that idea and I'll see how it goes.

This winter, I spent my time nesting and preparing for the spring. I finally broke up with my boyfriend and really felt the need to clean and clear the energy. I want to turn my apartment into my sanctuary. It's going to take some time as I am in the middle of paying off a debt, so it will take some time to bring in some of the things I want. In the meantime, I am focusing on clearing out what I don't want anymore.

For the Spring Equinox, which is what I will consider the first day of the year, I downloaded Susannah Conway's workbook again and I downloaded Erin Bruce's Wheel of the Year workbook. Erin Bruce's blog, The Seasonal Soul, is what made me finally decided to try living more seasonally. I rearranged the pages of the Wheel of the Year workbook so that the winter section is in the end. Then I broke up the Unravel Your Year workbook into parts based on what I thought I would like to focus on each season and mixed those pages in with the appropriate season in the Wheel of the Year workbook. I'll work with this workbook for through out the year to help me figure out this living seasonally concept and see if it will work for me.

Trapped in a Labyrinth

 This is how I've felt for most of my adult life. Every direction I take, eventually leads to a dead end. I have hit my most recent dead end. I spent the last decade trying to get a steady job and a place of my own. I have both. However, I am not fulfilled at all. I achieved some goals but don't feel like I accomplished anything. I'm still stuck, just in a different way.

The reality is, I am a nomad at heart. As a kid, I was always trying to get my parent to move because I got tired of living in the same house and being in the same neighborhood. As an adult, I enjoyed changing jobs frequently. I get bored after about 6 months. I would still be doing that if I wasn't constantly struggling financially. I hate routine. I hate having to do the same thing every day. I frequently tell people that I would like to travel and spend 6 months living in different places. I am incredibly drawn to the idea of vanlife. I never wanted to go RVing simply because I didn't want to drive something that big but driving a van and having the RVing experience is very appealing to me.

I'm feeling that inner nomad crying out now. I'm bored at my job. I'm bored with my apartment. I want to drop it all and move. But like always, I get stuck on the need to financially support myself. I have no idea how to do that outside of a traditional job.

The High Priestess

I am the keeper of dreams and visions
Intuition, hidden knowledge

I am the guardian of truth

The secrets of the past and present

Softly rooted in between
The conscious and unconscious realm
The physical and spiritual world
I am connected to the cycles of the moon
The ancient feminine wisdom of the earth
And the connection to nature of my ancestors

I no longer fear my intuitive ability
I no longer ignore my inner voice

I no longer doubt my innate wisdom

They are my guides

Messages directly from the Divine

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End of the Year Thoughts

 As we move towards the new year, I've been thinking heavily about the past. The past few years have been really hard on me and this year especially. I actually felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown for a while. I am exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had to spend some real serious time figuring out why.

I agree with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. In my early adult life, the lowest level of my pyramid was covered. However, I was extremely depressed. I was living with my parents and the relationship was terrible. My brother was there too and he and his friends were violent, on drugs, would party and drink, were getting arrested regularly. I had cops show up while I was in the shower and then threaten to come back in the middle of the night so they could drag me out of my bed naked, because I had the audacity to get dressed before answering the door. On top of that, my depression was too much for my so-called friends. They did not see me and my friendship as worth the effort so they left. So my safety needs were not be met and my love and belonging needs were not met. I started this blog during that time because I desperately needed an outlet and something that made me feel grounded even if it was just barely.

I moved in with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta in my mid-twenties in an attempt to get out of that situation and to try and get on my feet. It took a few months but I found a job. It was part-time and took about 8 months to become full-time. During that time, my aunt and uncle took half of my income, despite what they told me before I moved in about not doing that. Most of the rest of my income went to necessities, gas, toiletries, food, etc. I managed to set aside enough to buy a bed and a desk. My physiological needs were taken care of and my safety needs were finally taken care of. I began working on meeting people and trying to make friends. Once the job became full-time, I started looking for my own apartment. I really wasn't making enough money for that but I figured out a very strict budget that would allow me to move out. Before I was able to complete the process, I was laid off. I was unable to find another job. I applied to over 100 jobs without getting a single interview. I reached out to people at church and only a couple of people attempted to help. Once again, people did not see me as worth the effort. My aunt and uncle ended up kicking me out as well. So then I was back to square one.

I moved back across the country, back in with my parents. Things were different this time and my physiological needs and my safety needs were met. I was able to very quickly start trying to meet people. I started working temp jobs, hoping one would turn in to a full-time job. One did, and I was able to move into my own apartment. I did not meet friends but I did meet a man that I ended up getting into a relationship with and he moved in with me. It was my first relationship in 8 years. I still wanted friends but I felt secure and loved. Then in typical fashion, the job turned in to a disaster. The CEO was abusive and the advisors saw it happening and contributed to it. I was eventually fired. Then it took six months to find another job and my boyfriend could not handle being the sole breadwinner. He lashed out and really was not there for me while I was recovering from the abuse I experienced and dealing with the struggle that comes with being unable to find a job.

I finally was able to go back to temp jobs and my relationship improved. Two years later, finally a temp job became a full time job and I feel comfortable at this job. However, I still have not found friends in this city. I also realized recently that I will never be able to view my boyfriend the way I did before. My physiological needs are met and my safety needs are met but I no longer feel loved like I used to. I am seriously considering whether I should stay in the relationship. 

This is why I am exhausted. I have spent almost 15 years of adulthood trying to meet my most basic needs. I've also been doing it without any real support. People were not meant to live in a constant struggle and we certainly were not meant to struggle alone. Something has to change or I will experience some kind of breakdown. I don't know what the answer is but I will be going in to this new year with a real need to take a step in a new direction.

The Magician

I have the tools I need
Even if I don't quite see it yet
I know I am supported by nature
The four elements providing guidance
Closing my eyes and connecting with the universe
I take deep breathes with intention
To unblock my creative potential
And focus my thoughts on my desires
Creative energy courses through my veins
Speaking my alchemical incantation
"As above, so below
As within, so without"
Aligning my life to match my dreams
Manifesting my desires
Creating my reality

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