Dear 22 Year-Old Me,
You just got out of your third abusive relationship and this one ended in rape. It's going to take you years to realize that it was rape. You've been taught that rape is being attacked by a stranger in a dark alley. Rape is anytime you do not give consent and you can't give consent when you are passed out. Acknowledge what happened so that you can begin healing. Know that this does not change who are and you are not damaged goods. You also have to look at yourself and figure out why you have had so many abusive relationships. You have been taught that you do not deserve to be treated with respect and that everything you think and feel is wrong. The only time you feel valuable is when you are in a relationship so you take whatever you can get. You are valuable and you deserve someone who treats you that way. Stop dating. Do not get into another relationship until you are fine standing on your own. Start writing again and write honestly. Take the time to heal and figure out what you want out of life.
Dear 25 Year-Old Me,
You have been unemployed for 3 years and your car just broke down. You have no way to get around so you are going to have an even harder time finding a job and spending time with your friends. You are going to be unemployed for 2 more years and every person you considered a friend is going to abandon you now that they have to put the slightest bit of effort into the "friendship". Now is the time to realize that they were never your friends. This isn't the first time they weren't there for you but you can make it the last. You have been basing your friendships on history, on knowing people for years, instead of actual friendship. This is part of you not feeling valuable and just taking what you can get. Keep healing and keep doing the work you have been doing on yourself. You still need to learn how to love yourself and no one can love you until you love yourself.
Dear 28 Year-Old Me,
You have been laid off and are trying to figure out what to do next. You had diverted from your path to journal therapy with your accounting job and are worried about doing that again. You need to accept that you need some money coming in so that you can pay your bills and advance. You need to finish your degree and take the journaling classes you've been looking at. You are going to have to buckle down and do the work. You have not yet broken your habit of shutting down when things aren't working out. Now is the time. You also have a whole list of bad habits you want to break and good habits you want to cultivate. None of it will happen if you shut down again. Stop dragging your feet and focus on applying for jobs. You haven't found anything in this area yet that is related to journal therapy so you are going to have to take something else for the time being. Whatever job you take may not be ideal but it will be your next stepping stone.
This was an interesting experience for me. I'm glad I decided to try this out.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
#DearMe
There's a tag going around on YouTube that intrigued me. YouTubers are posting videos about what they would say to their younger selves. I have so much I would say to my younger self so I had to get in on this.
Dear 10 Year-Old Me,
You are getting made fun of right now for being too girly. Unfortunately, we live in a society where femininity is seen as weak and inferior. People believe that the closer you are to a boy, the better you are. Don't let other peoples' ignorance change you. It is an incredible thing to be feminine and strong and you are incredibly strong. You will see later in your life just how strong you are. Embrace your girly side and flaunt it apologetically. Ignore the people making fun of you. They are insecure and need everyone around them to feel the same way. If you can't ignore them, challenge them to a race. Nothing shuts them up faster than being left in your dust.
Dear 13 Year-Old Me,
Things in your family are getting pretty bad. You don't know it yet but what you are experiencing is abuse. Your brother is out of control and verbally and physically abusing you. Your parents are using emotional abuse to train you to be his literal and figurative punching bag so that they don't have to deal with him. You are depressed and angry, and it has caused you to give up everything you love and shut down. It's important to know that what you are experiencing has nothing to do with you. Your whole family have major issues that they are not addressing and unfortunately this will still be going on when you are an adult. As awful as it might be to say, your brother is insignificant. He's an abusive misogynist and has no interest in changing. There's no excuse for his behavior. One day he will no longer be a part of your life. Your parents are different. Let go of your anger towards them. You don't know it now, but they experienced just as much abuse growing up as you are. It's likely that abuse has plagued this family for generations. The difference between you and them is that one day you will acknowledge that you are a victim of abuse and will work long and hard to heal and overcome it. One day you will no longer be a victim but a survivor and you will not only break the cycle but use your experiences to help others. They may never address their past and remain victims their whole lives. That does not warrant anger towards them but sadness for them. Perhaps as they see you heal, they will be encouraged to do the same. In the meantime, your education is your way out. Stop slacking and put all of your effort into it. I don't mean just in school either. Keep writing, keep reading every book you can find, keep meeting new people, keep going new places. Look for as many new and positive experiences as you can find.
This post is getting pretty long. I still have more to write so I'm going to continue this in another post.
To be continued...
Dear 10 Year-Old Me,
You are getting made fun of right now for being too girly. Unfortunately, we live in a society where femininity is seen as weak and inferior. People believe that the closer you are to a boy, the better you are. Don't let other peoples' ignorance change you. It is an incredible thing to be feminine and strong and you are incredibly strong. You will see later in your life just how strong you are. Embrace your girly side and flaunt it apologetically. Ignore the people making fun of you. They are insecure and need everyone around them to feel the same way. If you can't ignore them, challenge them to a race. Nothing shuts them up faster than being left in your dust.
Dear 13 Year-Old Me,
Things in your family are getting pretty bad. You don't know it yet but what you are experiencing is abuse. Your brother is out of control and verbally and physically abusing you. Your parents are using emotional abuse to train you to be his literal and figurative punching bag so that they don't have to deal with him. You are depressed and angry, and it has caused you to give up everything you love and shut down. It's important to know that what you are experiencing has nothing to do with you. Your whole family have major issues that they are not addressing and unfortunately this will still be going on when you are an adult. As awful as it might be to say, your brother is insignificant. He's an abusive misogynist and has no interest in changing. There's no excuse for his behavior. One day he will no longer be a part of your life. Your parents are different. Let go of your anger towards them. You don't know it now, but they experienced just as much abuse growing up as you are. It's likely that abuse has plagued this family for generations. The difference between you and them is that one day you will acknowledge that you are a victim of abuse and will work long and hard to heal and overcome it. One day you will no longer be a victim but a survivor and you will not only break the cycle but use your experiences to help others. They may never address their past and remain victims their whole lives. That does not warrant anger towards them but sadness for them. Perhaps as they see you heal, they will be encouraged to do the same. In the meantime, your education is your way out. Stop slacking and put all of your effort into it. I don't mean just in school either. Keep writing, keep reading every book you can find, keep meeting new people, keep going new places. Look for as many new and positive experiences as you can find.
This post is getting pretty long. I still have more to write so I'm going to continue this in another post.
To be continued...
Friday, March 6, 2015
Then & Now
Was dark and empty
Heart hard as stone, cold as ice
Just a shell, devoid of life
Now there is beauty
Love and desire abound
Finally there is a hope
Then & Now by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Heart hard as stone, cold as ice
Just a shell, devoid of life
Now there is beauty
Love and desire abound
Finally there is a hope
Then & Now by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Laid Off!
It's March and so far, my attempts at discipline haven't gone so well. I can't make habits of some things and I can't even get started on others. I am not sure what is causing this resistance.
To make matters worse, I was laid off from my job. Now, I had grown to hate the job and wanted out but not like this. I have not psychologically recovered from being unemployed for 5 years and how it shattered my life. Being unemployed now is almost too scary to think about. But of course, I have to think about it. It's thrown me for a loop and I don't know what I should do next. If I went through everything that has been going on in my head, this would be the longest, most confusing, rambling post ever. That's saying something because quite often my posts are confusing and rambling.
So, I'm trying to regroup and get grounded. My head is spinning at the moment. I written before about how I always feel like, as soon as I get on my feet someone comes along and rips the rug from under me. This is one of those time and some days I feel like I spend most of my life on my back.
To make matters worse, I was laid off from my job. Now, I had grown to hate the job and wanted out but not like this. I have not psychologically recovered from being unemployed for 5 years and how it shattered my life. Being unemployed now is almost too scary to think about. But of course, I have to think about it. It's thrown me for a loop and I don't know what I should do next. If I went through everything that has been going on in my head, this would be the longest, most confusing, rambling post ever. That's saying something because quite often my posts are confusing and rambling.
So, I'm trying to regroup and get grounded. My head is spinning at the moment. I written before about how I always feel like, as soon as I get on my feet someone comes along and rips the rug from under me. This is one of those time and some days I feel like I spend most of my life on my back.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Guiding Word Of The Year Update
I'm super overwhelmed by my guiding word of the year. When I think about all the parts of my life that need more discipline, I get so frustrated. The list is long and I don't know what to focus on or how to go about this.
I came across the idea of a vision board quite some time ago and toyed with the idea of making one but never did. I thought it would be a good idea to make one now. So, I made this.
I came across the idea of a vision board quite some time ago and toyed with the idea of making one but never did. I thought it would be a good idea to make one now. So, I made this.
Making the vision board helped me to narrow the focus to four main areas that are most important to me. Those areas are Relationships, Fitness, Studying, and Journaling.
Relationships: I've mentioned before that I don't really have any real relationships anymore. After all the abusive boyfriends, guys who just want sex and "friends" who turned out to not value me, I decided that it was better to be alone. I think it is time to get back out there and begin meeting people again and developing relationships. I'm a much different person now and am less likely to attract and hold on to the same kind of people that I used to. It is going to require discipline for me to take the time to search for places to go and things to do as well as to get out of my comfort zone to actually do them.
Fitness: I absolutely hate how weak and stiff I've gotten. I used to take so much pride is what my body could do as a gymnast and a sprinter. I want to get back to the place where I am proud of my body and what it is capable of. My exercises of choice would be yoga and running. Neither of which will be easy. Yoga is really scarce in this area, and yoga that is just for exercise without the spiritual component may be nonexistent. Running will also pose a difficulty as there are few places to do it that are safe. I also suffer from shin splints due to flat feet so strengthening my feet and lower legs will be necessary before even starting. I also may need to come up with other forms of exercise that appeal to me since I may need a Plan B.
Studying: Studying journal/biblio/poetry therapy has kind of gone out the window lately. I also need to study accounting in order to improve my current job situation. To top it off, I had grand plans for completing The Artist's Way and diving even deeper into ModPo than last time. I didn't accomplish either. I'm going to set The Artist's Way aside and start slowly. ModPo is available all year so the first thing is go back and finish it. I'll figure out the next step when I get there.
Journaling: Last and probably most important, I have to get back to journaling more regularly. Whether it is blogging, writing in an actual journal or writing poetry again, I have to get back to regular journaling. I don't have set goals yet but I'm working on it. I also know that there are a few online journaling classes and I would like to take one. Not only will taking classes give me a way to focus, it will also help me see how they work so I can create my own someday.
So, I don't have an actionable plan for these things yet, but I am getting closer. There are a few other things that I am working on as well that didn't make the board but they are lifestyle changes for better health both physically and emotionally. These ideas are less formed but will be more solid soon.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Guiding Word Of The Year For 2015
Last year my guiding word of the year was growth. It has been a tough one for me and didn't go as well as I had hoped. Like I mentioned in my last post, the part of the journey I'm on has been exhausting and I really just shut down. I stopped exercising, I hardly journaled, I haven't done much studying. So, that lead me to what needed to be my guiding word for this year.
My guiding word of the year is:
Discipline
Shutting down has been a problem for me for years. There was a time when it was the only way I could think of to survive. Now, it is just a bad habit that holds me back. Breaking that habit is important for my healing.
I do not have a plan yet. I need to journal more, study journal therapy and accounting, get back in shape, get organized and get back on track on my embrace my femininity journey. That is a whole lot. I'm working on coming up with an actionable plan with specific doable goals. I'm starting with a vision board that I will keep in my planner. That's as far as I've gotten. It's an ongoing process though isn't it.
My guiding word of the year is:
Discipline
Shutting down has been a problem for me for years. There was a time when it was the only way I could think of to survive. Now, it is just a bad habit that holds me back. Breaking that habit is important for my healing.
I do not have a plan yet. I need to journal more, study journal therapy and accounting, get back in shape, get organized and get back on track on my embrace my femininity journey. That is a whole lot. I'm working on coming up with an actionable plan with specific doable goals. I'm starting with a vision board that I will keep in my planner. That's as far as I've gotten. It's an ongoing process though isn't it.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Kintukuroi- More Beautiful For Being Broken?
I've been going over this post in my head for quite some time. Forgiveness and healing have been on my mind for a few years now. I started this blog as a way to express myself and to sort of chronicle this journey of healing I'm on so that I can sort it out.
I haven't been writing much lately because I haven't wanted to deal with the part of the journey that I'm on. Every time I look at myself, I see gaping bloody wounds and disfiguring scars, and it infuriates me. Anger is all I can feel these days. I'm so angry about the past, the experiences I've had that people should not have, but I'm mostly angry about the way these experiences have affected me and the way my life veered off course because of them.
But I recently came across something that really has me thinking. It's the practice of Kintsukuroi. It's the practice of fixing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer and it's based on the idea that something that has been broken, has experience and history, and is more beautiful because of that history. And the pottery really is more beautiful.
I haven't been writing much lately because I haven't wanted to deal with the part of the journey that I'm on. Every time I look at myself, I see gaping bloody wounds and disfiguring scars, and it infuriates me. Anger is all I can feel these days. I'm so angry about the past, the experiences I've had that people should not have, but I'm mostly angry about the way these experiences have affected me and the way my life veered off course because of them.
But I recently came across something that really has me thinking. It's the practice of Kintsukuroi. It's the practice of fixing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer and it's based on the idea that something that has been broken, has experience and history, and is more beautiful because of that history. And the pottery really is more beautiful.
So I have started to wonder if it is possible that I am more beautiful because of my experiences. In some ways, I definitely am. I am capable of empathizing with far more people than I ever could have otherwise. I am also capable of greater sympathy than before. I find it so much easier to stand up for myself. I no longer hold on to people who do not value me. I don't feel like my value is based on how many guys are attracted to me or having a boyfriend any longer. It has also sent me down this road of learning journal therapy and eventually teaching others.
The parts of me that are not more beautiful are where I am dwelling though. I have not been able to drop my guard. My weapons are always ready and my armor is always on. I don't know how to forgive or to trust anymore. I don't have real relationships anymore. And of course there's the anger. Deep inside, I know that feeling anger is a good thing. There was a time when I was completely numb and there was a time when the thirst for any kind of feeling seemed like it would bring on complete insanity. So feeling anger is a huge step in the right direction. It's exhausting though and usually just makes me shut down. Hence, the lack of writing and my being stuck for so long.
The hope I have right now, is that I will learn how to retrain my brain to focus on those good things that have come out of all of this. The bad things need to be addressed and healed but it is going to require a change in thinking that is a whole journey in and of itself. And one day I will see gold and silver instead of wounds and scars.
Monday, November 10, 2014
Missing Writing
I miss writing. I miss writing so much! For some reason, whenever things go wrong, my writing is completely stifled. And things are going wrong right now.
My internship finally turned into a full time job. I was so excited. I was finally in a position where I could get on my feet. Then my boss was fired and they hired someone new. My new boss is terrible. He's an elderly man who I believe to be either racist or sexist. He has three mixed race women under him and the way he talks to us, especially me is incredibly disrespectful. He doesn't know any of the processes and won't take the time to learn them. He is also trying to scapegoat one of my coworkers and me for things that are going wrong, that we have no control over. So now, instead of looking for apartments, I'm scrambling to figure out how to improve my resume and find a new job. I'm back at square one.
More than likely, I'm going to have to tolerate this for awhile because it is going to take me time to find a new job. Plus, I haven't learned nearly as much as I had hoped to by now and I'm worried it's not enough for a new job, so I'm also scrambling to increase my knowledge in a very short time.
My level of frustration is high and finding words these days is very difficult.
My internship finally turned into a full time job. I was so excited. I was finally in a position where I could get on my feet. Then my boss was fired and they hired someone new. My new boss is terrible. He's an elderly man who I believe to be either racist or sexist. He has three mixed race women under him and the way he talks to us, especially me is incredibly disrespectful. He doesn't know any of the processes and won't take the time to learn them. He is also trying to scapegoat one of my coworkers and me for things that are going wrong, that we have no control over. So now, instead of looking for apartments, I'm scrambling to figure out how to improve my resume and find a new job. I'm back at square one.
More than likely, I'm going to have to tolerate this for awhile because it is going to take me time to find a new job. Plus, I haven't learned nearly as much as I had hoped to by now and I'm worried it's not enough for a new job, so I'm also scrambling to increase my knowledge in a very short time.
My level of frustration is high and finding words these days is very difficult.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Action & Growth
The word for this year was supposed to be "growth". The frustrating truth is that it should have been "action", just like last year. As much as I accomplished last year, I was nowhere near being in a place where I could step back and focus on growth the way I wanted to. Much more action had to be taken. I found an internship which I turned into a job. I bought a car which I am paying off. Now, I need to buy furniture and find my own apartment.
I'm not denying the amount of growth that happens when you take major steps like these, particularly when you were afraid of these kinds of steps not so long ago. However, the growth I was more interested in doing this year was healing. I wanted to start learning to forgive and trust again.
But growth is growth so I've decided to go another route. I haven't been writing much. I've been completely stuck, which is part of the reason some of that growth I was looking for hasn't happened. Writing is how I navigate. It's my candle in my darkness. Lighting that candle again is where I need to focus. In order to unblock, I've decided to complete, The Artist's Way. For years, I've heard great things about this book and how it helps unblock creativity. Plus, I tried doing "Morning Pages" a few years ago. You can find that attempt here, here, and here. I couldn't handle it then. It stirred up so much stuff that I did not want stirred up. Even then, I could tell that I was running. Unfortunately, healing often hurts more than receiving the wound did. I'm still very resistant to the process but now that I can understand why I'm resistant and the power that this process has, maybe I can push through this time around.
I've also signed up for two poetry classes. One is the class I took last year, ModPo. It's been four weeks and it's been so great to see that I have progressed since the first time. I have a deeper understanding of many of the poems we've looked at so far. The other class is a new one for me and started last week. This one is supposed to be pretty intensive. We'll see how it goes.
Action will continue in full force. It must. I do have to take care of my creative soul as well. I've been neglecting her for too long.
I'm not denying the amount of growth that happens when you take major steps like these, particularly when you were afraid of these kinds of steps not so long ago. However, the growth I was more interested in doing this year was healing. I wanted to start learning to forgive and trust again.
But growth is growth so I've decided to go another route. I haven't been writing much. I've been completely stuck, which is part of the reason some of that growth I was looking for hasn't happened. Writing is how I navigate. It's my candle in my darkness. Lighting that candle again is where I need to focus. In order to unblock, I've decided to complete, The Artist's Way. For years, I've heard great things about this book and how it helps unblock creativity. Plus, I tried doing "Morning Pages" a few years ago. You can find that attempt here, here, and here. I couldn't handle it then. It stirred up so much stuff that I did not want stirred up. Even then, I could tell that I was running. Unfortunately, healing often hurts more than receiving the wound did. I'm still very resistant to the process but now that I can understand why I'm resistant and the power that this process has, maybe I can push through this time around.
I've also signed up for two poetry classes. One is the class I took last year, ModPo. It's been four weeks and it's been so great to see that I have progressed since the first time. I have a deeper understanding of many of the poems we've looked at so far. The other class is a new one for me and started last week. This one is supposed to be pretty intensive. We'll see how it goes.
Action will continue in full force. It must. I do have to take care of my creative soul as well. I've been neglecting her for too long.
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