Frankly, I doubt I'm going to look back on this time in my life and say they were the best days. This time in my life has been terrible. It is changing me though and turning me into the person that I think I was meant to be. So while I doubt I'll think these were my best days, I hope I look back on them and see them as something I wouldn't change. I hope they are the sand that turn me into a gem.

Quote: Master Jin Kwon

"Include a few moments of quiet time into your daily schedule; Breathe deeply, evaluate your thoughts, delete the negative ones, and reset your mind to a positive perspective by counting your blessings and overflowing opportunities."

-Master Jin Kwon

Trying To Bring Positive Energy Back Into My Life

I'm developing a list of things I think I should be doing to improve my spirit and bring more positive energy into my life.

1. I've already mentioned that I am going to start a creative outlet journal so I'm not so dependent on this blog. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for but I think it's basically a sketch book. I want it to be a spiral notebook with blank sturdy pages.

2. Journal a lot more. There is nothing more theraputic for me than journalling. It forces me to face things that I might otherwise just put away and avoid. It also allows me to let those things go once they have been dealt with.

3. Start a prayer journal. I had a prayer journal, probably about 5 years ago. I remember how helpful it was. Prayer is a good thing. Developing a relationship with God is a good thing. I believe that bringing God into your life brings peace.

4. Start a gratitiude journal. When things aren't going well for me, I lose sight of all the good things in my life, which makes the situation even worse. Having a reminder of the things I treasure when I'm not capable of seeing them should help me remain in the positive.

5. Start a goals journal. It's one thing to say you want to achieve something. It's another to actually do it. In this journal I will figure out a goal and I will come up with the steps I will use to achieve it.

6. Create positive affirmations. I'm not sure where to start with this one. I'm not sure of what I need to be reminded of everyday or what I need to get myself to believe about myself. Once I figure it out, I think I'm going to post them on my walls or maybe on my computer screen so I make sure to read them everyday.

7. Last but not least, de-clutter and organize. I have more junk than I know what do with. It wasn't always like this. My spirit is much lighter when I am living in a clean and organized space. It has to be decorated though but I'll deal with that part once I get organized.

I'm working on #7 first. I don't think I'll even have the mindset to do the rest until I've simplified my living situation, at least a little bit. Plus I know that I have lots of notebooks around, hidden in all the clutter. If I can find them then I should have more than enough to start all these journals. I think I'll have to buy something for the creative journal but I shouldn't have to buy anything else this way.

How I've been feeling lately.

Scatter Brained

The past few weeks have been rough on my creative self. For awhile I had no internet access. Being able to sign on to this blog and attempt to write something has become a real source of comfort for me. Perhaps too much. I really need to become less attached to the computer and go back to notebooks as an additional outlet.

Since I didn't have another outlet, I found my spirit dropping. I was so scatter brained and couldn't get anything done. I decided to go out of town, thinking that a new environment would be helpful. It wasn't. Note to self, a new environment is not conducive to centering oneself. By the end of the trip I was actually more scatter brained than when it began. I know for a fact that it would've been worse had I not gone because of some things that were going on here. So I was still better off but since I didn't get what I was looking for I feel frustrated and still can't get anything done.

I'm starting to think that maybe my creative self can't grow until the rest of my reality is in better order. I had thought it was the other way around. I thought that growing my creativity would help me improve the rest of me. Now I'm not sure, maybe they are too intertwined and have to grow together.

So, I'm still on the hunt for a peaceful place that I can go to when I need centering. I hope that one day my home will be that place but lots of things have to change for that to happen. The place I'm living now, with the situations going on here, will probably never be a place of peace. I also am looking for a notebook that I can use as an additional outlet. I want to be able to write, post pictures in it, do collages, and keep track of ideas in it. I need an everything notebook.

Connect

I want you to connect with my writing
I want you to see your life reflected in it
I want you to see your deepest feelings on the page
To see your fears and dreams
I want you to connect with me through my writing
I want you to feel like you know me
I want you to feel like we had a deep conversation
To feel like we exchanged secrets
I want you to connect with others through my writing
I want you to get closer to your friends
I want you to learn new things about them
To feel like you are closer than ever
I want you to connect with my writing


Connect by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

How Frida Kahlo Changed My Life

This is Frida Kahlo. I'm sure most of you know who she is but in case you don't I'll tell you. Frida was a Mexican artist who lived from 1907-1954. I had seen some of her paintings but I never knew who she was until I took a class on Latin American history.

I should probably give you a little more background about me. You already know that school made me lose my love of writing. Some other things happened that caused me to lose my love of all things creative. I became completely focused on business. I wanted to own my own law firm and that was what my life was about. I didn't read, didn't write anything but essays, didn't do crafts, just school. I was still at this point while I was in this class.

So anyways, when we started studying Frida I was very inspired by her. She lived her life the way she wanted to and didn't let society dictate it for her. Being the kind of woman that I am, I related to that. I started looking over her work and I basically looked at it the same way I looked at all art. I could appreciate the talent but it was just pretty pictures. Then I came across this painting.

This painting is called The Broken Column and she painted it in 1944. When I saw it I just stopped. For the first time ever, a painting actually spoke to me. I thought of the things that had come into my life and had restricted and hindered me but were out of my control. I felt such a connection to this piece and something inside me stirred. I didn't know it at the time but my creative self had decided that it didn't want to lay dormant anymore. A couple of months later I felt an intense urge to start journalling. I wasn't consistent but when I did journal I felt emotions that I had suppressed for years start bubbling over. I had to explore this side of myself.

Eventually I decided to start this blog. Journals just weren't enough. I needed a place to keep pictures, quotes, and everything else. Notebooks don't quite give you the same freedom that a blog does. Well that's not true for everyone, but it is for me. Having this blog is pushing me to continue exploring my creative self. Slowly, very slowly, my all business self and all creative self are merging. One day I'll be part business and part creative, and I'll be following whatever path that leads to which is who I think I was meant to be to begin with.

My Next Year Of Life

It was my birthday last week. I turned 24 years old. I think in my next year of life, it's time to start getting it together. So I'm going to make a list of the things I want to work on this year.

1. Go back to school
        I won't be able to finish in a year but I want to be on my way to finally graduating.

2. Move out
       Thanks to my going in and out of school trying to finish I haven't been able to afford rent and the payments on my school loans. A 24 year old should not be living at home! If I can finish paying off the oldest ones then I should be able to afford a cheap apartment, maybe.

3. Get in shape
       I know how important it is to eat healthy and exercise. This being out of shape and not exercising is ridiculous. I used to be a pretty good athlete for goodness sake.

4. Meet new people
       I had a lot of people in my life who were not good for me. Now that they are no longer around, its time to meet new people who will be good for me.

Well that's my list. I will be working towards these and hopefully I can keep up the momentum and not get discouraged.

The Sunday Creative

This week is the first week I am participating in The Sunday Creative. There will be a one word prompt and I will write whatever comes to mind. From here on out, I'll just put the prompt in the title and I'll label it "The Sunday Creative".

This week's prompt- Open. So here goes.
________________

With him all my walls completely fall. My guards are down.
He is in my heart, in my mind.
I can tell him everything. He rejoices in the good and comforts me in the bad.
He's sees me at my worst.
I can cry, I can scream, I can throw things.
He lets me and holds me when I'm done.
He sees me at my best.
He sees my joy when I take a great picture or fall in love with something I wrote.
We share our dreams and our fears.
He sees into me, past all my defenses, into my very core.
With him, I am completely open.


Open by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Graham Greene

"Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition."

-Graham Greene


I really believe this. The more I write the more my walls fall down. I feel better, less depressed. I believe that I am capable of more than I used to. My eyes are opening to the possibilities. For the longest time I was just ready to give up. Now that I am writing again, I am slowly coming out of that. I'm still teetering on the edge but I used to be hanging off of it. I wonder how I managed to survive all those years without my writing.