Missing Writing

I miss writing. I miss writing so much! For some reason, whenever things go wrong, my writing is completely stifled. And things are going wrong right now.

My internship finally turned into a full time job. I was so excited. I was finally in a position where I could get on my feet. Then my boss was fired and they hired someone new. My new boss is terrible. He's an elderly man who I believe to be either racist or sexist. He has three mixed race women under him and the way he talks to us, especially me is incredibly disrespectful. He doesn't know any of the processes and won't take the time to learn them. He is also trying to scapegoat one of my coworkers and me for things that are going wrong, that we have no control over. So now, instead of looking for apartments, I'm scrambling to figure out how to improve my resume and find a new job. I'm back at square one.

More than likely, I'm going to have to tolerate this for awhile because it is going to take me time to find a new job. Plus, I haven't learned nearly as much as I had hoped to by now and I'm worried it's not enough for a new job, so I'm also scrambling to increase my knowledge in a very short time.

My level of frustration is high and finding words these days is very difficult.

Action & Growth

The word for this year was supposed to be "growth". The frustrating truth is that it should have been "action", just like last year. As much as I accomplished last year, I was nowhere near being in a place where I could step back and focus on growth the way I wanted to. Much more action had to be taken. I found an internship which I turned into a job. I bought a car which I am paying off. Now, I need to buy furniture and find my own apartment.

I'm not denying the amount of growth that happens when you take major steps like these, particularly when you were afraid of these kinds of steps not so long ago. However, the growth I was more interested in doing this year was healing. I wanted to start learning to forgive and trust again.

But growth is growth so I've decided to go another route. I haven't been writing much. I've been completely stuck, which is part of the reason some of that growth I was looking for hasn't happened. Writing is how I navigate. It's my candle in my darkness. Lighting that candle again is where I need to focus. In order to unblock, I've decided to complete, The Artist's Way. For years, I've heard great things about this book and how it helps unblock creativity. Plus, I tried doing "Morning Pages" a few years ago. You can find that attempt here, here, and here. I couldn't handle it then. It stirred up so much stuff that I did not want stirred up. Even then, I could tell that I was running. Unfortunately, healing often hurts more than receiving the wound did. I'm still very resistant to the process but now that I can understand why I'm resistant and the power that this process has, maybe I can push through this time around.

I've also signed up for two poetry classes. One is the class I took last year, ModPo. It's been four weeks and it's been so great to see that I have progressed since the first time. I have a deeper understanding of many of the poems we've looked at so far. The other class is a new one for me and started last week. This one is supposed to be pretty intensive. We'll see how it goes.

Action will continue in full force. It must. I do have to take care of my creative soul as well. I've been neglecting her for too long.

What Do I Want?

For about a month, a temp was working in my department at work. He took an interest in me. He couldn't seem to figure me out and asked me every question he could think of to try and make sense of me. Most of the questions were easy answers for me but as he got more comfortable with me and realized I wasn't going to be offended by his questions he started asking more complicated questions and delving deeper. Then on his last day he asked me a question that I couldn't for the life of me answer. He asked, "If someone were to ask my future significant other what I was to him, what would I want him to say?"

I hadn't realized before that, how abstract the concept of a long-term relationship is to me. It's not just significant others but friendships as well. I know that in the past I chose to love the people that I loved because some I had just grown up with and I held on to the history that we shared and some because I had no self worth and having them in my life made me feel like I had value. I never pondered what I was to them and what kind of person that made them. That's not really important when you just want to feel like someone wants you. Now, I do know my value and am trusting my instincts. I no longer need anyone's validation to feel worth something. But I haven't thought about putting into words any kind of expectations I have for people in my life other than they must treat me with respect. Of course, even that has different meaning to everyone and I'm not even sure that I can define what it means to me.

Quite frankly, I have no idea what kind of people I want in my life. I spent too much time just taking what I could get and now I don't know what I want or need.

Quote: Will Self

"Always carry a notebook. And I mean always. The short-term memory only retains information for three minutes; unless it is committed to paper you can lose an idea forever."

-Will Self

I've got the carry a notebook part down. Now to actually use it more often. I carry a traveler's notebook that I love. I haven't been using it to it's full potential though.

Quote: James Victore

"You have no friends, you have no enemies, you only have teachers and you need to learn from these people." 

-James Victore

This quote is just what I need to help me with the things that are going on at work. The reason I took the job is because I knew if would be a good learning experience but I was hoping for more of an accounting and financial education. It hasn't been what I bargained for but maybe it still has something to teach me.

Escapism

I have not been writing much lately because I have been practicing escapism. I have been trying my hand at other forms of creative expression during this time but the reality is, I'm doing that because I don't want to delve deep to find the words I need right now.

I had been thinking a lot about forgiveness and healing. If you read this blog then I think it's pretty obvious that I have a lot of both to do. The problem is that healing a wound hurts more than receiving the wound. When I think about all of the things I've been through that need healing and all the people I need to forgive, I become completely overwhelmed. I can't even focus on one thing at a time because it is all so intertwined and I don't know how to make any kind of order out of it.

I think I may be on the verge of finally forgiving everyone that I need to, except my parents. But I am no where near healing. I see gaping bleeding wounds and disfiguring scars whenever I look at myself. I see how my view of the world has been completely altered. I no longer have the ability to trust because there has not been one single person who has not violated the trust I gave them. Even though I can now see that what they did was because of their own tragicness (that should be a word) and really had nothing to do with me, the damage is already done. In the case of my parents, the damage they caused led me to being in the situations I was in with other people. Situations that most likely would not have happened if I hadn't been taught that my instincts are always wrong and that I have no business expecting to be treated with care and respect.

So, I'm practicing escapism. It won't last long though. Being stuck in a rut is very frustrating to me as I have been working so hard to move forward. It's only a matter of time before this running away that I'm doing doesn't work anymore and I go right back to facing my problems. Actually, I think that needing to write this post means that time has already come.

52 Lists Project- Week 7

Week 7 ~The Things That Make You Feel Healthy: Mind, Body, & Soul~

Writing
Exercising
Cooking Healthy Meals
Hiking
Feeling Sore After a Workout
Noticing Beauty
Drinking Enough Water
Long Hot Showers
Glowing Skin

I really want to complete this project so it's time to get back on it.

Quote: Henry David Thoreau

"As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives." 

-Henry David Thoreau

My Prison

My hopeless prison
My fortress of exile
Built with my own two hands
To block out pain
To hide my shame

My tragic armor
My plate of anger
Crafted out of bitterness
To shield from exposure
To guard against judgement

My worthless weapons
My steel of terror
Forged out of fear
To fight off abuse
To fend off violation

They were all a lie
All deceitful tools
These walls built to protect
This armor worn to defend
These weapons made to repel
They all betrayed me
Turned against me with malice

The walls collapsed around me
They became my tomb
Burying me alive
Leaving me to rot and fester

The armor locked around me
Trapping me inside myself
Forced to relive the pain
And wallow in the past

The weapons turned on me
Lacerating my mind
Shredding my heart
Impaling my soul

My fate, my conclusion
Sealed in a tomb of my own making
Doomed to walk in fear
Bleeding out within my armor
Chained to the pain of the past


My Prison by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Admission Time

I have to admit something. I am very lonely. I seem to be a complete outsider here and haven't managed to make any friends since I've been here. I have met some incredible people but no one that I can relate to or whose belief system matches mine. No one I could simply go out and have fun with either.

I thought that I had made a friend a while ago. I mentioned him once. We got along so well but he was only interested in dating. When he realized that dating wasn't in our future he decided that he no longer wanted me in his life. The part I don't think I have talked about is that he came back into my life, apologized profusely, and explained his actions. I agreed to give him a second chance expressing very clearly that we could only ever be friends and he agreed. Except he was a completely different person after that. He was inconsiderate and disrespectful. When I confronted him on it, he refused to give any explanation and told me my thoughts on the matter were bs and to get over it. That was the last straw for me and I haven't spoken to him since. He was dating someone at that point and I firmly believe that the way he was treating me was to show me that I am replaceable and expendable.

Unfortunately, the whole episode has made me leery of meeting new people. I have had quite a bit of drama with relationships lately and I'm pretty weary of it. People who I thought were life long friends abandoned me when I was at my lowest point, every guy to ever come into my life turned it upside down and ripped me apart, and I really don't trust any member of my family, not completely anyways. I'm just tired of it. I am worth so much more than this.

However, that still leaves me in a state of loneliness. I either go out and meet people risking more of this, or I remain alone. For awhile, remaining alone was just fine with me. Now, it irritates me to no end. I guess that means I'm ready to try again. I hope that is what it means anyways.

The good news is that I finally have a car. My aunt found one that was a good price and had really low mileage on it. It was in great condition and I knew that there wasn't going to be another deal like that so I jumped on it. Now I have a cute little car and can actually go places. So, now I just have to figure out where I want to go. There are drawbacks to living in such a big city. But, maybe I can finally get the ball rolling.