I haven't been writing much lately because I haven't wanted to deal with the part of the journey that I'm on. Every time I look at myself, I see gaping bloody wounds and disfiguring scars, and it infuriates me. Anger is all I can feel these days. I'm so angry about the past, the experiences I've had that people should not have, but I'm mostly angry about the way these experiences have affected me and the way my life veered off course because of them.
But I recently came across something that really has me thinking. It's the practice of Kintsukuroi. It's the practice of fixing broken pottery with gold or silver lacquer and it's based on the idea that something that has been broken, has experience and history, and is more beautiful because of that history. And the pottery really is more beautiful.
So I have started to wonder if it is possible that I am more beautiful because of my experiences. In some ways, I definitely am. I am capable of empathizing with far more people than I ever could have otherwise. I am also capable of greater sympathy than before. I find it so much easier to stand up for myself. I no longer hold on to people who do not value me. I don't feel like my value is based on how many guys are attracted to me or having a boyfriend any longer. It has also sent me down this road of learning journal therapy and eventually teaching others.
The parts of me that are not more beautiful are where I am dwelling though. I have not been able to drop my guard. My weapons are always ready and my armor is always on. I don't know how to forgive or to trust anymore. I don't have real relationships anymore. And of course there's the anger. Deep inside, I know that feeling anger is a good thing. There was a time when I was completely numb and there was a time when the thirst for any kind of feeling seemed like it would bring on complete insanity. So feeling anger is a huge step in the right direction. It's exhausting though and usually just makes me shut down. Hence, the lack of writing and my being stuck for so long.
The hope I have right now, is that I will learn how to retrain my brain to focus on those good things that have come out of all of this. The bad things need to be addressed and healed but it is going to require a change in thinking that is a whole journey in and of itself. And one day I will see gold and silver instead of wounds and scars.