Sunday, August 27, 2017

Non-Existent Confidence

I was watching a YouTube video about building confidence and she was talking about how her confidence came from the small wins she has experienced over the course of her life. I related to that. I had many small wins in my childhood that helped me build my confidence. However, as an adult those small wins have been completely overwhelmed by huge losses. I have failed at everything I have tried. I was unable to finish college, I haven't built any real relationships (found out that all my childhood friends didn't actually care about me, haven't made any new ones, and haven't had one single healthy dating relationship), I have not been able to build a career, I actually haven't even been able to find a job that pays enough to make a living from, and every time I get close to any of those things it blows up in my face. Winning a few sprints and getting good grades, even making the Dean's List, just isn't much in comparison.

My confidence is shot and I am spiraling back into depression, something I spent more than a decade working to get out of. But here I am again. I'm 31 and I look around and have nothing to show for all of my work. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted with no chance to rest. So the big question is, how do you create confidence out of losses? How do you keep going when nothing works?

I just don't have an answer to those questions.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Quote: Anita Johnston

“The mermaid is an archetypal image that represents a woman who is at ease in the great waters of life, the waters of emotion and sexuality. She shows us how to embrace our instinctive sexuality and sensuality so that we can affirm the essence of our feminine nature, the wisdom of our bodies, and the playfulness of our spirits. She symbolizes our connection with our deepest instinctive feelings, our wild and untamed animal nature that exists below the surface of outward personalities. She is able to respond to her mysterious sexual impulses without abandoning her more human, conscious side. What happened to the girls who dreamed of being mermaids?” 

― Anita JohnstonEating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling

Saturday, June 24, 2017

52 Lists Project- Week 10

Week 10 ~Ways That You Can Cleanse For Spring~

Personal Quarterly Review
Purge Possessions
Buy More Plants
Deep Clean Carpets
Open Windows
Light Beeswax Candles
Change Out Bedding
Change Out Capsule Wardrobe

I've been very interested in the idea of seasonal living so I tried to think of things that I might do on a seasonal basis rather than just for Spring. I couldn't buy plants all of the time but I do hope to have a personal jungle one day so I would try.

Friday, June 23, 2017


Contemplating life
Overwhelmed with ideas but
Not confident in my abilities
Frozen at this point in my journey
Unable to choose a direction
Stuck in fear and indecision
Escapist habits returning
Denying myself a full life

I haven't completed a poem in so long. I think it's been a couple of years! I'm so relieved to finally write something again.

Creative Commons License
Confused by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Quote: Trina Paulus

“ 'How does one become a butterfly?' she asked pensively. You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” 

 -Trina Paulus

I relate to this so much. It reminds me of my favorite quote of all time, the Anias Nin quote I keep posted over there. -------------------->

That quote basically woke me up and started my journey but since it has been with me for so long, it almost fades into the background sometimes. It makes such a difference to come across things like this quote from Trina Paulus to snap me back and help me to refocus.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

52 Lists Project- Week 9

Week 9 ~Places You Want To Go~

Paris, France
Bali, Indonesia
Helsinki, Finland
New York City, New York
Mayan Ruins
The Greek Isles
Los Angeles, California

If I had my way, I'd live in a place for 6 months or so and then move to another. I couldn't do it by myself so I'd need a partner. Maybe some day I'll find someone with the same dream.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Quote: Oprah Winfrey

“True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience.” 

― Oprah Winfrey

Thursday, May 11, 2017

My Dream Life

I am working towards teaching journal and poetry therapy and helping people learn to make it and other self-care rituals part of their lives. I have experienced first hand their healing power and am very passionate about sharing that with others.

I used to love reading! When I was a child, I read everything I could get my hands on. Every time my mom went to the library she brought back a few books for me. Then high school came around and being forced to read books I wasn't interested in, at ridiculous speeds, then writing papers about them, made me hate reading. Honors english classes are not worth it for people like me. I've been trying to bring reading back into my life. Besides experience, reading is by far the best way to learn.

People who travel, and I don't mean travel to resorts, are different. They are more open minded, cultured, and educated. I want to be one of them. I want experiences that open my eyes and mind. I want to get out of my little box and develop a more global perspective.

In this culture, sensuality is basically another word for sexy. I have a different definition for the word. To me, sensuality is being in touch with and enjoying all of your senses. It means being equally in touch with your heart, mind, and body. I find that I am stuck in my mind and have trouble connecting to my heart and body. It's very hard to enjoy life that way.

I never connected with the family that I was raised in because of all of the abuse and abuse apologism that I've experienced from them. Don't get me wrong, they are victims too but there is a part of me that might always resent them for refusing to address it and heal thereby putting the burden of ending the cycle onto me. I've always craved a strong family unit that I can connect with and trust. So I believe my family will be a family that I choose.

Journaling and writing poems maintain my sanity and are the most healing restorative thing I have ever come across. I want the time and the freedom to do it more often.

Ten years of depression on top of having PCOS has really done a number on my body. I lost my strength and flexibility. My hormones and menstrual cycles are out of  whack. I recently went off birth control so that I could treat the PCOS naturally. I'm looking for a form of exercise that I enjoy. Improving my diet has been a struggle but I'm working on it.

I was inspired to do this post by this video from Lavendaire. The next step would be to create some very specific goals for each of these things.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Quote: Malcolm S. Forbes

"Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are."

~Malcolm S. Forbes

I am definitely on this list of people.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

52 Lists Project- Week 8

Week 8 ~Favorite Songs~

Nightwish- Beauty of the Beast
Corinne Bailey Rae- Put Your Records On
Madeleine Peyroux- You Can't Do Me
Sweetback- Lover
Anna Phoebe- In Contiuum
Nightwish- Rest Calm
Adele- Set Fire To The Rain
Gregorian- Fleurs Du Mal
Lindsey Stirling- Shatter Me
Amel Larrieux- For Real
Anna Phoebe- Nemesis
Skit & Tijani- Sweat

This one is supposed to be your favorite albums but I rarely listen to whole albums.