Monday, December 11, 2017

Guiding Word of the Year

I dropped the ball this year when it came to posting about my guiding word of the year. The short story is that it went really well for the first half of the year. There was lots of decluttering, especially digitally. When I sat down to look at it, I was amazed at how much digital clutter I had. I was hoarding emails, subscribed to dozens of newsletters, overwhelmed by YouTube videos, and swamped with Instagram. It took months but I sorted through it all, deleted thousands of emails (yes thousands!) and prioritized my subscriptions. That's as far as I got though. By the time I was ready to go deeper than just physical decluttering, I found myself unemployed and it went downhill from there. Collecting clutter is a manifestation of depression for me and I started struggling with it during my unemployment and the sporadic temp jobs that came after. I kept my digital clutter down but my physical clutter went back to how it was before I started this. I spent the end of November and I'm spending December undoing the damage.

I have been having trouble figuring out what my guiding word will be for 2018. The past few years were easy to figure out. A word popped out at me without really thinking about it. I just knew what I needed. This year has not been like that. So, I'm going to go through Susannah Conway's Find Your Word course. I hope that it will give me some clarity.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Quote: Susan Beth Pfeffer

“I never really thought about how when I look at the moon, it's the same moon as Shakespeare and Marie Antoinette and George Washington and Cleopatra looked at.”

 ― Susan Beth Pfeffer, Life As We Knew It

I have always been a night person and a star lover but lately my focus has been on the moon. When I take my dog out at night, I always look for the moon.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

5 Imaginary Lives

I was watching Lavendaire's YouTube channel and came across this video. This exercise is from The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. I really need to finish reading that book. The idea is to imagine what you would do if you had multiple lives to live and then figure out how to bring some aspects of those lives into your actual life.

1. Photographer
I'm not sure when I fell for photography but I know it was when I was young. I actually think that I have a very good eye for photography. The thing that holds me back is the technical aspect. I need to pull my camera out more often and go on day trips that will allow me to flex that muscle.

2. Archeologist
I always felt drawn to ancient Egyptian and ancient Mayan culture. I received a computer game that was about exploring Mayan ruins. My best friend at the time and I wanted to plan a trip to explore the ruins in real life. She's not in my life anymore but maybe it's time to make that trip happen with someone else.

3. Interior Designer
There was a time in my life that I was thinking about either going into interior design or architecture. I almost failed geometry so I decided that architecture might not be my thing (although I just watched Abstract on Netflix which kind of reignited my interest in architecture) but interior design still intrigues me. I've been working on decorating my space. It is slow going but will feel great once it is done.

4. Geologist
I'm not sure if geologist is the right term as my focus would be on gemstones and crystals. When I was young, I collected rocks, mostly from my school playground. Because of this, I was given a little gemstone kit and decided to do a project based on it for my school's science fair. I loved learning about the gemstones and have been interested ever since. If gemstones and crystals weren't so expensive they would be the majority of my decor. Maybe I should set money aside to start buying some so I can at least have them around me.

5. Writer
Quite frankly, I think that if I could just write and travel the world, I'd be happy. Writing is vital for my life, hence this blog, but it's much more for self expression than something that many people would actually want to read. Taking the time to do research and write posts that are more than just self expression might be a good idea. Writing more poetry would be good too.

Creative exercises are so interesting. They bring up so many unexplored things. I need to do more of them.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Non-Existent Confidence

I was watching a YouTube video about building confidence and she was talking about how her confidence came from the small wins she has experienced over the course of her life. I related to that. I had many small wins in my childhood that helped me build my confidence. However, as an adult those small wins have been completely overwhelmed by huge losses. I have failed at everything I have tried. I was unable to finish college, I haven't built any real relationships (found out that all my childhood friends didn't actually care about me, haven't made any new ones, and haven't had one single healthy dating relationship), I have not been able to build a career, I actually haven't even been able to find a job that pays enough to make a living from, and every time I get close to any of those things it blows up in my face. Winning a few sprints and getting good grades, even making the Dean's List, just isn't much in comparison.

My confidence is shot and I am spiraling back into depression, something I spent more than a decade working to get out of. But here I am again. I'm 31 and I look around and have nothing to show for all of my work. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted with no chance to rest. So the big question is, how do you create confidence out of losses? How do you keep going when nothing works?

I just don't have an answer to those questions.

Friday, July 14, 2017

Quote: Anita Johnston

“The mermaid is an archetypal image that represents a woman who is at ease in the great waters of life, the waters of emotion and sexuality. She shows us how to embrace our instinctive sexuality and sensuality so that we can affirm the essence of our feminine nature, the wisdom of our bodies, and the playfulness of our spirits. She symbolizes our connection with our deepest instinctive feelings, our wild and untamed animal nature that exists below the surface of outward personalities. She is able to respond to her mysterious sexual impulses without abandoning her more human, conscious side. What happened to the girls who dreamed of being mermaids?” 

― Anita JohnstonEating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship with Food Through Myths, Metaphors, and Storytelling

Saturday, June 24, 2017

52 Lists Project- Week 10

Week 10 ~Ways That You Can Cleanse For Spring~

Personal Quarterly Review
Purge Possessions
Buy More Plants
Deep Clean Carpets
Open Windows
Light Beeswax Candles
Change Out Bedding
Change Out Capsule Wardrobe

I've been very interested in the idea of seasonal living so I tried to think of things that I might do on a seasonal basis rather than just for Spring. I couldn't buy plants all of the time but I do hope to have a personal jungle one day so I would try.

Friday, June 23, 2017


Contemplating life
Overwhelmed with ideas but
Not confident in my abilities
Frozen at this point in my journey
Unable to choose a direction
Stuck in fear and indecision
Escapist habits returning
Denying myself a full life

I haven't completed a poem in so long. I think it's been a couple of years! I'm so relieved to finally write something again.

Creative Commons License
Confused by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Quote: Trina Paulus

“ 'How does one become a butterfly?' she asked pensively. You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.” 

 -Trina Paulus

I relate to this so much. It reminds me of my favorite quote of all time, the Anias Nin quote I keep posted over there. -------------------->

That quote basically woke me up and started my journey but since it has been with me for so long, it almost fades into the background sometimes. It makes such a difference to come across things like this quote from Trina Paulus to snap me back and help me to refocus.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

52 Lists Project- Week 9

Week 9 ~Places You Want To Go~

Paris, France
Bali, Indonesia
Helsinki, Finland
New York City, New York
Mayan Ruins
The Greek Isles
Los Angeles, California

If I had my way, I'd live in a place for 6 months or so and then move to another. I couldn't do it by myself so I'd need a partner. Maybe some day I'll find someone with the same dream.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Quote: Oprah Winfrey

“True forgiveness is when you can say, "Thank you for that experience.” 

― Oprah Winfrey