Sunday, December 30, 2012

Quote: Bob Moawad

“The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It is an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.”

-Bob Moawad


I must not be at that point yet because I still blame people for some of the things I've been through. It's a nice sentiment but the things people do to you, affect you. You can't always avoid those people and the things they do. You'd be a fool to deny that. I haven't figured out how to get past my past.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Quote: Pico Iyer

“Writing is…that oddest of anomalies: an intimate letter to a stranger.”

-Pico Iyer

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 87

She rushes up the trail
Towards the top of the cliff
The memories of the day
Blast through her mind
She needs her favorite spot
As she so very often does
When her emotions are high
The clear visibility of the horizon
And the glassy look of the ocean
Always calms her racing thoughts
Clearing her head and lifting her spirit
From there she could watch the sunrise
Lighten up the world around her
She could listen to the song of the birds
And she could watch the milky crests
Of the waves crash into the rocks below
It almost drowns out the sigh of her heart
As she tries to process the tragic day
She could hardly believe as it unfolded before her

Inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 87. It feels good to be writing again, even if I couldn't figure out how to use slicks and itch in the poem..

Creative Commons License
This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2012/12/16/wordle-87-a-bakers-dozen/.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Quote: Rumi

"Your task is not to seek love, but to merely seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."

-Rumi

Hmm, maybe this self reflection is still a good idea after all.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

I Figured It Out!

Yay! After some torture I figured out the html codes! I removed the tabs on top that went nowhere so now there is just the feed tab. I also finally found the codes to change the link color too! I wanted the links to get bold when you hover over them but I couldn't figure that one out and I'm tired of trying. The dots under the links get bigger so I'm just going to have to be satisfied with that.

Quote: Nick Miller's "Isn't It Pretty To Think So?"

"Write to write. Write because you need to write. Write to settle the rage within you. Write with an internal purpose. Write about something or someone that means so much to you, that you don’t care what others think."

-Nick Miller’s “Isn’t It Pretty To Think So?"

Sunday, December 2, 2012

I Hate Editing HTML Codes!

I decided I wanted my blog to look like a notebook since its basically my journal. It took forever but I finally found one that I like and figured out how to use it. I do like learning new things. I'm having problems with it though. I want to change the size of the font in the sidebar and I want the links to be a different color. I've been through the whole template multiple times manually making changes (blogger's template designer doesn't work well with this template because it was adapted from wordpress) and I still can't get what I want. I found the code that changes the link color and changed it to the color I want but it didn't do anything. So I went through the whole template (which by the way is the longest and most complicated template I've ever used) and changed everything I could find that looked like it could be related to the links and still nothing. I also changed everything related to font size and the sidebar font is still the same. I'm not content to let it stay the way it is so I'm probably going to torture myself trying to figure it out and might never figure it out!

The other thing I'm not sure what to do about is the tabs at the top. The twitter link goes to some random twitter account and I don't have a twitter account because I think they are stupid. The facebook link goes nowhere and even if I could figure out how to send it to my facebook, I wouldn't. This is supposed to be an anonymous blog. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do about those tabs. More torture I guess.

Why do I even bother? No one actually reads this blog! LOL!
Poem of the One World by Mary Oliver

I really like Mary Oliver. I'm dying to read her books.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Taken from Jada Pinkett Smith's facebook,

A letter to a friend…

This subject is old but I have never answered it in its entirety. And even with this post it will remain incomplete.

The question why I would LET Willow cut her hair. First the LET must be challenged. This is a world where women, girls are constantly reminded that they don’t belong to themselves; that their bodies are not their own, nor their power or self determination. I made a promise to endow my little girl with the power to always know that her body, spirit and her mind are HER domain. Willow cut her hair because her beauty, her value, her worth is not measured by the length of her hair. It’s also a statement that claims that even little girls have the RIGHT to own themselves and should not be a slave to even their mother’s deepest insecurities, hopes and desires. Even little girls should not be a slave to the preconceived ideas of what a culture believes a little girl should be.

More to come. Another day.

J



It's about time mothers as a whole start standing up for the rights of their daughters like this. I was never taught that I owned myself. I've always found myself at the mercy of other people and what they wanted me to be. It's so dangerous. If I had truly understood that my body and my mind were my own, I wouldn't have been abused so many times. It took me way too long to develop a sense of self worth and the damage I suffered along the way is taking years to heal. If you care about the people in your life, girls aren't the only ones who need to understand this, you will teach them to live their lives on their own terms. You know, as long as they aren't hurting anyone.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Is It Worth It?

I'm starting to wonder if all this self reflection is really a good idea or if its just opening old wounds. The more I delve into the things that have happened to me in the past and the things that continue to happen, the more livid I become. I don't know where to direct this anger. I'm never going to get an apology from the people who hurt me. Most of them are not in my life anymore and the ones that are have told me to my face that they are not going to change the way they treat me.

I'm not seeing any good coming from this anymore. Is realizing how bad things are and having no real way to make them better, really a good thing? I mean, where has it gotten me? Nowhere! I get it, feeling empty and emotionless isn't good. But it feels better than the way I feel now.

I really feel like, there is no one who really cares what happens to me. I'm down to no friends because I can't count on them anymore. The last two people I considered friends have really hurt me. One of them moved out of the state without telling me she was moving or even saying goodbye and I know for a fact that she told other people. The other one lives out of the state and came for a visit and didn't call me that whole time she was here. I feel like this shows my worth to them as their friend. In the past I would've shrugged it off but now I'm really hurt by it. So, is this really better? I'm really not convinced.

So, what do I do now? Is continuing down this path really worth it or is it time to stop and put some new walls?

Sunday, November 18, 2012

I wonder if you should forget the people who don't treat you right if those people are your family?

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

What Would You Do If You Knew You Could Not Fail

The Tao of Dana- Ask Yourself This Very Important Question

This post got me thinking. I fear failure because I know I will hear, "I told you so" from the people closest to me. My family feels like I should just get some 9-5 job doing anything to make me money. I feel like I deserve better than that and so does God and the world. You are supposed to take your talents and skills, develop them, and use them to make the world around you better. Somehow that's what I plan to do, if I can get past my fears and insecurities.

So, what would I do if I knew I couldn't fail?

1. Publish my poetry. I want books filled with my poetry and I want to be part of poetry anthologies.

2. Start or become part of a non-profit that teaches tramatized children how to use journalling as a way to help the healing process. It's been a slow process but journalling has done so much towards my own healing. I would love to share that with other people, especially children. I always wonder where I would be today if there had been someone who had taught me this earlier. I also find helping people to be quite fulfilling.

3. Get my photography in art galleries and magazines. I love creating beautiful photos with my camera. I don't have much experience but I am pretty good at it and will get better as I gain more knowledge and experience. I would love to see those photos in places of honor that display their beauty.

4. Get my essay/journal writing (whatever it would be classified as) published in magazines, books and blogs. I also love other types of writing. Sometimes I like to get straight to the point and say what I'm thinking rather than what I'm feeling. I find that I don't do that in poetry but in essay type writing.

5. Become a classically trained violinist. I've talked about learning to play the violin before on this blog.

6. Become a classically trained singer. This one is a new thought. I used to love to sing when I was a kid. I don't know if my voice changed or if I just became more aware of how I sounded as I got older but I really have no control over my voice when I try to sing now. I would love to have a beautiful singing voice.

The first four are the ones I want the most and most likely will have to achieve in order to feel fulfilled.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Need Organizing Tips

I've been working on purging and getting my life together because I realize that I will never move forward until I fix what's going on now. You can't just gloss or skip over things. You have to address the issues in your life. One of my issues is a complete lack of organization.

So in an attempt to fix that situation I've been looking online for organizing tips. The problem is I can only find tips from and for mothers. Where are the tips for poor people who live in studio apartments like me? I feel like I'm way past the age where I should've at least started learning to manage and organize my life. Someday I might be a housewife with 5 kids. Doubtful but possible. I don't want to find myself in a situation where I don't have the tools to handle whatever positions I end up in. Everyone my age should develop life management skills. So how come with all the millions of bloggers out there, I can't find a blog with tips for people in the same stage of life as me?

I guess I'm on my own with figuring this out. I feel like I have the maturity and life skills of a teenager and I'm tired of it. If no one will help me, not even a blog, then somehow I have to figure it out on my own. It kind of annoys me though. I wish I had some support.

Friday, November 2, 2012

She Walks In Beauty by Lord Byron

I've always heard of Lord Byron but never knew much about him. Now I'm curious to learn more.

Friday, October 26, 2012

My Planner Again

I've finally decided on the M by Staples Arc System for my planner. I can't afford it right now though. Since I plan on using my own designs, I need the special hole punch. Between the notebook, punch, and any other accessories I decide on, it ends up being a little bit more than I budgeted for. Since I believe that this will be worth it in the long run, I'm going to hold off until I have enough money to get what I want. I fully believe it will end up paying for itself. Not to mention the way it could improve my life.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Quote: Elizabeth Lesser

"When we descend all the way down to the bottom of a loss, and dwell patiently, with an open heart, in the darkness and pain, we can bring back up with us the sweetness of life and the exhilaration of inner growth. When there is nothing left to lose, we find the true self--the self that is whole, the self that is enough, the self that no longer looks to others for definition, or completion, or anything but companionship on the journey."

-Elizabeth Lesser


This is what I've been noticing about myself. If you read this blog then you know that I've been going through quite a long period of confusion, self-doubt, and lack of direction. People expected me to come out of it quickly and don't understand what my problem is. In the past, I would've pushed bad feelings aside, buried them and moved on. I've realized that I wasn't really moving on. I was just storing this stuff and that I have no more room to store anything. This made it impossible to move forward. I have had to spend quite some time digging up and dealing with years bad feelings resulting from abuse and neglect.

I am in no way done with this process but I have seen something in myself that I haven't seen since I was a child. My true self, just like the quote says. The self that had to be hidden and protected because it was too fragile to deal with what my life had turned into. I had pretty much forgotten about her but now reclaiming me is what is most important.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Quote: Mark Twain

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.”

- Mark Twain

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Quote: Howard Zinn

"To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness… And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future…to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory."

-Howard Zinn

Monday, October 8, 2012

A Single Woman's Rant

Note To Self: If I ever get married, remember this. Don't get caught up in how society and media says marriages should be.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Domestic Violence Awareness


October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. A few years ago I posted a poem I had written about an abusive relationship I had been in as a teenager. You can find that poem here. As I got older and learn more and more about abuse, I realized that I have actually been in more than one abusive relationship. I've become acutely aware how little information people have about how to identify abuse and what exactly is considered abuse. Many people are mentally, verbally, emotionally, sexually, and even spiritually abused and either don't know it or are afraid to say so because it might not be taken seriously. Some people believe it is only abuse if it
is physical or if it full blown rape.

I wanted to post some links that have very helpful information.

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/- This site has a lot of personal stories as well as good information.

Because of my past and because this month is Domestic Violence Awareness month, I ordered the Empowerment Circle of Support necklace from Avon.

Here's some links to more information about the necklace and the program.
http://www.avoncompany.com/corporatecitizenship/circle-of-support-necklace.html
http://www.avonfoundation.org/causes/domestic-violence/
http://media.avoncompany.com/index.php?s=10922&item=122975

Do something to support survivors of domestic violence and programs making attempts to end it. Also educate yourself and your loved ones. When I was being abused no one around me understood or took what I was going through seriously. It was a very lonely place to be and the lack of support made it even harder to get out. 1 in 3 women experiences violence so for your own sake and for the sake of the people you care about, educate yourself. Everyone is a potential victim.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Quote: Betty White

"Why do people say ‘grow some balls’? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding."

-Betty White


Haha, this is great! I love Betty White!

Friday, October 5, 2012

Quote: Paulo Coelho

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."

-Paulo Coelho

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Don't Feel Like Writing

I have no desire to write. I don't even want to write this post. I haven't done a Sunday Whirl or a Three Word Wednesday in quite some time. I haven't even written any other poem either. And I don't even want to. Weird! Usually when I haven't written I start to get restless and annoyed with myself. This time, I'm not the slightest bit worried. I wouldn't even have thought to post about it if it wasn't so weird.

Perhaps designing my own planner has been enough of a creative outlet to satisfy me. Actually it might be even better. Designing it made me feel like I accomplished something. When I finally find the materials to put it together and get it assembled, I'll feel even more accomplished. Writing doesn't give me that feeling. Writing just destresses me, or helps me sort out something going on in my head. Necessary but not an achievement. Maybe creating things that I think will improve my life is what I really need right now. I guess I need to start thinking of something else to make for when this planner thing is finished.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Planner Update- No Progress

So, I'm getting nowhere with this planner thing. I finished designing it. Well, I've designed the basic part. I have a feeling I'll be adding to it in the future as my life changes. But now I'm stuck. I've been looking for something to hold it in that I like. I figured the best thing would be to find a nice planner and to just replace the contents. I can't believe how hard it is to find a planner that isn't spiral bound! Maybe its just because I'm not shopping at the right time of year. I went shopping a couple of weeks after the school year started so maybe stores just don't bother stocking up on school supplies after the school year starts. I might have to wait until after the new year to find one. Since most planners start in January, maybe stores will stock up again around that time.

I don't like the idea of waiting that long. I believe that this planner will be good for me and it makes no sense to wait to improve my life but I don't know what else to do. Something I know about myself is that aesthetics are really important to me. If I don't like how the planner looks then I won't use it. I considered just buying a binder and decorating it but I know I would end up hating it and not using it. So I've got to be smart and make sure to only buy something that I really like.

In the meantime, I'll keep trying to figure out how to organize my stuff. More purging in my future. I can't believe how much crap I have.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Organizing!

Since I'm trying to improve my life, I've started looking back over my life and trying to figure what has worked for me in the past that I can implement now. The best and most productive time of my life was my first semester of college. Many of the reason it was good, I can't implement right now but there is one thing I can. That semester I was organized. I had developed a system that worked. Everything had a place and I used a dry-erase calendar and a planner to keep track of everything. So, my plan is to get organized again.

I've started purging. I've realized that when I don't feel safe or I am emotionally distraught in some way, I become a complete pack-rat and incredibly cluttered. It's either a defense mechanism or a physical manifestation of my inner chaos. Most likely its both. So, I am getting rid of stuff I don't use. Its a slow process because there's quite a few years of this mess. But it is happening, and its amazing how its affecting my spirit. Just getting rid of a few things has made me feel lighter.

The other thing that I'm doing to get organized, that I'm quite proud of, is I'm making my own day planner. I've used planners in the past for school. When I used them regularly they were so helpful. So I think I can make one that can be applied to my life. It's still a work in progress but its coming along. I think I'm done designing the pages, I have to try it out to be sure, but I'm missing the supplies to put it together. I'm going to a couple of stores tomorrow to see if I can find what I need.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Friday, September 14, 2012

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 73

His features are perfect, as if chiseled out of marble
He is rugged and fierce, protective of his own
He descended from warriors, it ran through his blood
The nobility and suffering of his past created a great man
His love for me is a blessing I never thought possible

He says he wants to show me something special
I follow him in silence as he guides me on this trail
It's remote and rarely used, completely grown over
He's not shaken by this mountain's rough terrain
His steps are steady and sure, his movements full of grace

We finally reach the top and I am greeted with amazing
I stare in awe at the splendor that lies before me
From dairy cows grazing to gorgeous tulip fields
It feels like I can see the world, it is our world
The beautiful niche we've carved out for ourselves
Our little corner on this big blue planet we call home

Inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 73. Yay! I used all the words this time!

Creative Commons License
This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2012/09/09/wordle-73/.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

A Year With Myself

Since I've been trying to find and improve myself, I've been searching the internet for ways to help me through the process. I do believe its something that I have to take control of but I don't believe that I have to do it completely alone. In my search I came across A Year With Myself. It seems like a pretty great program. I'm hoping it will be helpful.

They send out encouraging words and weekly journal prompts. I am most interested in the journal prompts. Writing is how I make sense of things and explore my inner depths. Journal prompts could be a good way to help me focus on particular parts of me.

We'll see what happens. I put the badge in my sidebar, so you guys can check it out as well.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Quote: Lisa Kleypas

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.” 

-Lisa Kleypas

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Quote: Anais Nin

“If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it.”

-Anaïs Nin

Friday, August 31, 2012

Please Explain Something To Me

Why is it that a person will work their tail off for their job, to get a promotion, or to achieve any of  their goals, but they won't put any work into a relationship? Why is a promotion worth effort but a person who could love you isn't? Where is that promotion going to be if your company goes under? If you are an athlete and hurt your knee, then there goes that career. Why is that still worth more than a life-long partner? Who decided that relationships are supposed to be easy? What happened to anything worth having taking work? At the end of the day, isn't a person who could share your life with you worth even more effort than all those other things? Sure, some relationships are shallow and fleeting. Those aren't worth effort. But when someone shows that they want to be by your side for the long haul and they enrich your life, then they should be precious to you and worth all the effort in the world.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Quote: Robert Frost

“Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”

-Robert Frost
I've always believed in not speaking unless I actually have something to say and know what I'm talking about. It really grates on my nerves to have to sit and listen to someone who keeps talking and either has nothing of any kind of value to say or has no idea what they are talking about.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

“And after all it won’t take long to fall in love
Now I know what I don’t want
I learned that with you”
— Let it die, Feist


“The saddest part of a broken heart
Isn’t the ending so much as the start
The tragedy starts from the very first spark
Losing your mind for the sake of your heart”
— Let it die, Feist

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Since I decided to delete all my "Pics I'm Inspired By" and "Writings I Like" posts because of the whole copyright thing, I've been trying to figure out good alternatives so I can continue to share what inspires me. That's an important part of anyone's life. So I guess my best option is to just share links to other writings and photos. Sharing a link isn't illegal. I will just have to hope that I don't support and direct attention to any money grubbing "artists". Plus, this way I can also explain why I feel for each piece without feeling like I'm distracting from the piece itself. That is, if I have the words. So, without further ado. Here's a link to a poem.

Aware by Denise Levertov

This poem makes me think of walking into a secret garden or that moment when you are hiking or walking through a park and you come across an area that is off the path such as a hidden pond. When you step into this place, it feels like everything stopped because of your presence and you wish you could see it the way it is when you aren't disturbing it.

Monday, August 27, 2012

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 71

I'm sitting here with a pencil in my hand
Staring at the empty paper in front of me
I can think of nothing to write about
There isn't the slightest trace of inspiration
Yet I feel chained to this chair and this desk
I can almost feel each link digging into my skin
Obviously there is something I want to say
Outside dusk is approaching, the sky a dusty rose
Finally my hand is moving, without my really thinking
As if its being guided by some other operator
Somewhere deep inside, I must have the essentials
The golden recipe that will give me success
I just have to climb the fence that guards it

Inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 71. Any ideas how I could've used the word forgiven?

Creative Commons License
This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2012/08/26/wordle-71/.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Quote: Anais Nin

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

 -Anais Nin

Friday, August 24, 2012

I just joined Writerscafe.org. If you are a member too, then come find me at http://www.writerscafe.org/porcelainlotus. I'd love to have some Writerscafe friends!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Heart Of A Mermaid

Walking along the beach
The sand rubbing against my toes
Staring out at the sea
Listening to the waves crash
Their crests glistening in the moonlight
Oh, how I long to become part of it
To become one with the sea

Caressing the beaches
Playing among the rocks
Dancing with the fish
Taunting the sharks
Beckoning ships off the shore
Calling sailors to my adventure
From which only the strongest survive

I dream of being a part of the sea
Beautiful and full of wonder
Curious and mischievous
I yearn to explore the ocean's depths
To feel its waves soothing my soul
To follow the path of a mermaid
Embracing the heart within me

Creative Commons License
Heart of a Mermaid by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 70

He's turned out to be an insidious man
I can feel his cunning all through my limbs
Coursing through my veins in waves of chills
His words in my ear sound tinny and cold
As if spoken by a man with no soul
And yet I found myself confused and split
He used to be so sweet and gentle
Those cherished memories flow so vivid through my thoughts
When he's near my mind drifts between the past and present
Thinking about all that preluded where we are now
Why couldn't I see his plan and how did I miss his darkness?
I suppose my eyes were tinted with that lovely rosy shade
Hopefully I awoke at the nick of time
Perhaps there is time to fix all the damage done

I'm not exactly sure where this came from or who its about but it was inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 70. I couldn't for the life of me figure out how to use the word tip.

Creative Commons License
This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2012/08/19/wordle-70-a-bakers-dozen/.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Looking For Sex And Relationship Blogs

I really hate to talk about this but maybe its time. What's the point of having an anonymous blog if I can't get everything off my chest? I have been abused in many ways over the years and been in more than one abusive relationship. Mostly its been emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is so incredibly damaging, worse that physical or sexual abuse. It took me quite awhile but I feel like I've been able to regain quite a lot of what was taken from me. I still have quite a long way to go but I'm getting there. I'm regaining my sense of self and my self worth. I've learned how to trust my instincts again. I've also learned how to identify red flags in people and how to get them out of my life before they harm me. All in all, I'd say quite a bit of progress!

I didn't start making progress until I was able to say out loud what was done to me. Living in denial never works. You have to face your demons. I've been able to address the emotional, mental, verbal, and spiritual abuse. I can talk to some people about it. However, I've only been able to partially talk about the sexual abuse. Now don't worry, I'm not going to go into details on this blog. You don't need to talk to everyone about such things. So now I'm ready to address it all. Somehow, I have to get all the pieces of me back together, including my sexuality. I was looking for blogs about sex and relationships. I thought maybe hearing from people in healthy relationships would help me see sex differently. Help me see it as the beautiful expression of intimacy that it should be. Or that I want it to be. However, I mostly found blogs written by therapists. So far I can only find two that are written by regular people. One hardly ever blogs anymore and one is written by a man who sometimes comes off like he's still in high school. Neither is helpful. All the other blogs I've found are about BDSM and TTWD relationships. Not helpful either, although I do wonder what they would say about my situation and how many of them were in my position at one point. Don't "vanilla" people need to talk about their relationships too?

I'll keep looking though. I'm completely convinced that an example of a typical but healthy relationship will help me a lot. Don't worry, there are other things I'm doing to overcome all of this. I just don't feel the need to write about it here. So, anyone know of any great sex and relationships blogs?

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Quote: David Deida

"Men are terrified of a woman’s depth of love and the energy that moves as a woman’s sexuality and emotions. And, at the same time, men want nothing more in this life than to merge completely with a woman’s devotional love and wild energy. Only as a man outgrows his fear can he handle a woman’s tremendous love-energy without running. And only such a man is worthy of your devotional offering in a committed intimacy."

-David Deida

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Quote: Cherokee Proverb

A woman’s highest calling is to lead a man to his soul, so as to unite him with Source; her lowest calling is to seduce, separating man from soul and leave him aimlessly wandering. A man’s highest calling is to protect woman, so she is free to walk the earth unharmed. Man’s lowest calling is to ambush and force his way into the life of a woman.

-Cherokee Proverb

Three Word Wednesday- CCLXXXIV

Standing, frozen in my tracks
Watching my world crumble around me
Everything I thought
Everything I believed
Everything I built myself up to be
Is disappearing before my eyes
I feel the pain of loss
The mourning for who I once was
But strangely, I do not feel uneasy
I feel a twinge of excitement
Anticipation for what is yet to come
All I can do now is sit and wait
Wait while my mind sorts it out
Wait until my soul settles
Then I will feel that familiar warmth
Of my heart being pulled
In the direction of my desires
Then my feet will move
To where my heart is drawn

This was inspired by this weeks prompt at Three Word Wednesday. The words were crumble, drawn, and uneasy.

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Based on a work at http://www.threewordwednesday.com/2012/08/3ww-cclxxxiv.html.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Quote: Roald Dahl

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.”

-Roald Dahl

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Greed Disgusts Me

Roni Loren- Bloggers Beware: You Can Get Sued For Using Pics On Your Blog

The photographer who did this is an asshole! As a person who desires to be a writer and photographer I completely understand having a problem with people using your work without permission. I understand the loss of income and how it affects you. I also understand that there are laws. But as a person with common sense, I understand the risks you take when you post your work online. It will be stolen. Plain and simple. You have to be smart about what you put online. We've been taught that since we were children.

When you find work of yours that was used without permission, it is perfectly acceptable to ask that it be taken down. It is perfectly acceptable to ask that they give you proper credit if you would prefer that. If the blog does make money it is perfectly acceptable to ask for compensation then, keeping in mind how little money most blogs make and how little your work had to do with it. If they refuse to do so, then it is perfectly acceptable to use more drastic measures. Demanding that the work be removed and demanding monetary compensation when you know good and well that the blogger didn't realize what they were doing and they didn't make any money off of your work, is disgusting! You are no longer an artist. You are basically just a corporate money grubbing asshole. You disrespected your art, yourself, and every other artist out there. Have some human decency and understanding! It's not difficult.

Now don't get me wrong. I believe that the rights of artists should be respected and the law should be too. I believe the income of people should be protected. People have families to feed, clothe, and shelter. I know I would be aggravated if my work was stolen and my income was threatened. However, I hope to never be the kind of person that goes out of my way to deliberately hurt someone the way this photographer went out of his or her way to hurt this blogger. I'm betting that this photographer suing this blogger put her in a far worse predicament than her posting a single picture put the photographer in. Taking advantage of someones' lack of legal knowledge is not okay.

Out of respect for artists and the law, I'm going to take down all of my "Pics I'm Inspired By" and "Writings I Like" posts. Well, honestly, it's only partly out of respect. The other part is my refusal to risk supporting a photographer or any other artist such as this one.

If someone steals your work without intent or malice, just have them take it down and leave it at that. Be a human and a true artist first.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I want to start posting my own photography since I talk about it so much. I've been trying to figure out a good way to mark the photos as mine. I haven't found something I like yet but I'm going to go ahead and start posting them while I play with other options. If anyone knows a good free program I could use or has some advice please let me know. I'd really appreciate it!

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Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Pipa

The pipa is another instrument I want to learn to play. The music it creates is so beautiful and the instrument is actually beautiful to look at.

Changing and Growing

It's time to change this blog. I named this blog The Musings of the Dragonfly simply because it's my thoughts and because of what dragonflies symbolize to me. I wrote a poem about that here. The more I grow and discover the less I feel that way. Dragonflies still represent peace and harmony to me but they don't represent me and what I want.

I think the lotus flower represents me and what I want. I was looking for something that represented overcoming adversity. I wanted a flower because the cycle of a flower represents what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to grow, bloom, spread love and happiness to those around me (pollinate). I also wanted something that represented strength, grace, femininity, and beauty. All qualities I hope to have.

Lotus flowers are flowers. They grow, bloom and pollinate. That part is self explanatory. What's special to me about the lotus flower is that they grow out of mud and they are untainted by the mud. Mud, of course, represents adversity. Mud is usually gross and smelly. Plus, when was the last time you saw something beautiful come from mud. I want to grow out of the mud I've been in for so long, into something beautiful and untainted by it.

Because of the lotus flowers shape and beauty, they are often use it as an allegory for women in Chinese poetry. I as a woman, want to have grace and femininity. Things I believe I've always struggled with showing for fear of it being interpreted as weakness. Lotus flowers also represent strength because of their stems. Their stems are easy to bend but are very difficult to break. I see that as strength and adaptability.

If a lotus flower can be all these things, then maybe I can too. I hope that by embracing this and describing myself this way, I'll start to believe it and embody it. I'm also adding porcelain to it because I need to be aware of how fragile I truly am.

So this is why I am changing the title of this blog to The Blooming of the Porcelain Lotus Flower.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

10 Things That Bother Me About Myself

1. I'm incredibly insecure.
2. I am a huge procrastinator.
3. I'm way too sensitive.
4. I am a very low energy person.
5. I'm lazy.
6. I have almost no female friends.
7. I am easily fooled by bad guys.
8. I put up with people hurting me way too much
9. I fear confronting some of the things that have happened to me.
10. I don't value myself as much as I should.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Crying

I couldn't stop crying yesterday. It wasn't a full cry. It was hours of tears constantly streaming down my face. I have thought for quite some time that I am in terrible need of a really good cry. I find that quite impossible to do though. Something in the back of my head reminds me that I have never felt better after crying. Crying makes me feel weak and out of control. It's a problem.

I've only ever cried during and after fights with my parents and boyfriends. On a rare occasion I've shed a couple of tears at a sad movie scene. Mostly I only cry during fights because I don't know any other way to release emotion.

See, growing up whenever I was upset about something my parents would either tell me to get over it or ask if I was on my period. Their favorite thing to say is, "It doesn't affect us if your upset. That only hurts you." Basically, I've always been taught that my emotions are irrelevant. If I was hurt by something, it didn't matter. It became far more hurtful to express my feelings than it was to bottle them up. I've never been in a situation where it was safe to be vulnerable and to express myself.

I think I'm at a point where I am completely full. It doesn't matter whether I'm safe or not. I have to be vulnerable and express myself because I have no other choice. Every little thing causes me to overflow. I'm still fighting it though. I'd give almost anything to be in a safe situation but I'm not and never will be. Unfortunately, releasing and cleansing is the only way I will be able to pick myself up. I won't have the means to leave the situation I'm in and create my own safe situation until I pick myself up.

Somehow, I have to learn to cry again. I want to curl my legs up under me, bury my face in my hands and between my knees, and sob. I want to release every hurt I've ever suffered. I have to learn to see crying as cathartic rather than a sign of weakness.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Desperate For Love

I am desperate to feel loved. I want one person to truly love me.

What is love to me? To me loving someone means you desire to take care of them. You will do anything to protect them, to support them, to push them to be their best. You build them up. You feel that it is your responsibility to make that person feel safe and cared for. You earn that person's trust so they are free to be completely open and vulnerable to you. You work everyday to deserve and maintain that trust. You pay attention to that person and notice mood changes. You listen when they need you to. Your happiness is connected to their happiness.

This isn't too much to ask for. I am not a nurturing person at all but I would do this for someone. It would come naturally because it is love.

I've never felt this. At least not during any part of my life that I can remember. There is no one in my life that feels like I deserve to be protected. There is no one I can truly trust. And it hurts my heart. It is the root of every problem that I have. My sense of self-worth is so low. It takes so much strength to maintain the minimal amount of self-worth that I have that I don't have the strength to build it up on my own.

I fear that I will never feel loved. I fear that because of this, I will never have the strength to achieve my goals and follow my dreams. If I have no self-worth, how can I open up my photography and my writing to criticism without being crushed?

So what do I do now? How do I overcome this? I have no idea.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Your Denial

I know why you ignore me
When you look at me you see your failures
You can't pretend that everything is fine
If you acknowledge me and what I've become
What you have turned me into

Everytime you didn't protect me
Is written on my face
Everytime you broke my heart
Is reflected in my eyes
Everytime you let him hurt me
Is carved into my skin

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Thursday, July 12, 2012

Quote: Barbara De Angelis

“The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.”

-Barbara De Angelis

Friday, May 25, 2012

One Step Closer

You might remember that I have a deep desire to learn how to play the violin. I've mentioned it a few times. Well, it turns out the my dad had bought a cheap one when he was in China. Since it was ten years ago he had forgotten what happened to it. He found it buried in the garage today!

I'm super excited! The first step was getting a violin. Now that that's taken care of, the next step is to make sure it's in good enough shape to learn on. I have no idea where to do that but I'm sure there's a good place around here. The final step will be to find someone who will teach me how to play for a reasonable price.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

This is a cold war
Do you know what you're fighting for?
This is a cold war
You better know what you're fighting for
"Cold War" -Janelle Monae

Monday, April 30, 2012

Sad

So I'm a bit sad these days. Two of my close friends are moving out of state soon. One is moving in a couple of days and the other is moving next month. They are going on to bigger and better things and I'm happy for them. However, it makes me think. When am I going to find something that I want to go after that will take me on to bigger and better things?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Still Depressed

I think I was wrong. Last time I said I was depressed because I was in need of a boyfriend. I think I was wrong about that. I think I am lonely though. I really would like to find friends who I can really relate to. My friends relate to only parts of me. I'd like a friend that I relate to on multiple levels. I'm not sure I'm going to find that where I live. I've lived here my whole life and somehow I ended up completely different than the other people in this area. I always feel like I come from a different culture.

I do have one friend who I seem to relate to on multiple levels but I can't get her out of the house. So I don't spend much time with her. I've got to put more effort into it and really try to plan things. I'm really not good at that. I've always let other people do the planning and I just go along for the ride. Guess it's time I really start taking charge of every aspect of my life.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Depressed

It's been quite awhile since I've journalled. I haven't had much to say. I'm depressed again and for no good reason. At least no reason I can think of. And I'm not helping myself. I've let myself go. My skin is dry, my hair is a huge ratted mess and I have no desire to fix it. I'm avoiding my friends because I don't feel like talking to anyone. The only thing I'd be up for doing right now is laying in someone's arms. I crave a man's strong chest against me. It's kinda sad but I guess I'm lonely.

How lame! That's the reason I'm depressed isn't it. I'm craving a boyfriend. That's incredibly annoying!

I went through a period in my life where I was really desperate for a relationship and I ended up dating jerk after jerk and asshole after asshole. If I'm not careful I could find myself in that situation again. I am against going backward.

So someone tell me how to get out of this depression. I need a way that doesn't involve a guy. And don't tell me that I have to improve myself and be happy with myself first. If I could do that right now I would. Maybe I just need to come up with a new project to focus on for a little while.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Quote: Nora Roberts

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it. If you don’t ask, the answer is always no. If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”

-Nora Roberts

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Quote: Joy Page

“Don’t let anything stand in the way of you claiming and manifesting the life that you choose rather than the life you have by default.”

-Joy Page

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Quote: Robert A. Heinlein

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

-Robert A. Heinlein

Monday, February 27, 2012

Winter's Glow

Staring out my window
It should be pitch black
But thanks to the snow
Which blankets everything in sight
There is a beautiful luminesce
Each snowflake giving off a light
The splendor of snow
Radiating through the dark

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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Quote: Anais Nin

And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

-Anais Nin

It seems that this is the point in my life that I'm at now.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Anna Phoebe

She's so talented and inspiring. Her music is beautiful. She makes me want to learn the violin even more.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Quote: Ayn Rand

“Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it’s yours.”

-Ayn Rand