Tuesday, March 17, 2015

#DearMe Continued

Dear 22 Year-Old Me,
You just got out of your third abusive relationship and this one ended in rape. It's going to take you years to realize that it was rape. You've been taught that rape is being attacked by a stranger in a dark alley. Rape is anytime you do not give consent and you can't give consent when you are passed out. Acknowledge what happened so that you can begin healing. Know that this does not change who are and you are not damaged goods. You also have to look at yourself and figure out why you have had so many abusive relationships. You have been taught that you do not deserve to be treated with respect and that everything you think and feel is wrong. The only time you feel valuable is when you are in a relationship so you take whatever you can get. You are valuable and you deserve someone who treats you that way. Stop dating. Do not get into another relationship until you are fine standing on your own. Start writing again and write honestly. Take the time to heal and figure out what you want out of life.

Dear 25 Year-Old Me,
You have been unemployed for 3 years and your car just broke down. You have no way to get around so you are going to have an even harder time finding a job and spending time with your friends. You are going to be unemployed for 2 more years and every person you considered a friend is going to abandon you now that they have to put the slightest bit of effort into the "friendship". Now is the time to realize that they were never your friends. This isn't the first time they weren't there for you but you can make it the last. You have been basing your friendships on history, on knowing people for years, instead of actual friendship. This is part of you not feeling valuable and just taking what you can get. Keep healing and keep doing the work you have been doing on yourself. You still need to learn how to love yourself and no one can love you until you love yourself.

Dear 28 Year-Old Me,
You have been laid off and are trying to figure out what to do next. You had diverted from your path to journal therapy with your accounting job and are worried about doing that again. You need to accept that you need some money coming in so that you can pay your bills and advance. You need to finish your degree and take the journaling classes you've been looking at. You are going to have to buckle down and do the work. You have not yet broken your habit of shutting down when things aren't working out. Now is the time. You also have a whole list of bad habits you want to break and good habits you want to cultivate. None of it will happen if you shut down again. Stop dragging your feet and focus on applying for jobs. You haven't found anything in this area yet that is related to journal therapy so you are going to have to take something else for the time being. Whatever job you take may not be ideal but it will be your next stepping stone.

This was an interesting experience for me. I'm glad I decided to try this out.

The Journey by Mary Oliver

The Journey by Mary Oliver

Sunday, March 15, 2015


There's a tag going around on YouTube that intrigued me. YouTubers are posting videos about what they would say to their younger selves. I have so much I would say to my younger self so I had to get in on this.

Dear 10 Year-Old Me,
You are getting made fun of right now for being too girly. Unfortunately, we live in a society where femininity is seen as weak and inferior. People believe that the closer you are to a boy, the better you are. Don't let other peoples' ignorance change you. It is an incredible thing to be feminine and strong and you are incredibly strong. You will see later in your life just how strong you are. Embrace your girly side and flaunt it apologetically. Ignore the people making fun of you. They are insecure and need everyone around them to feel the same way. If you can't ignore them, challenge them to a race. Nothing shuts them up faster than being left in your dust.

Dear 13 Year-Old Me,
Things in your family are getting pretty bad. You don't know it yet but what you are experiencing is abuse. Your brother is out of control and verbally and physically abusing you. Your parents are using emotional abuse to train you to be his literal and figurative punching bag so that they don't have to deal with him. You are depressed and angry, and it has caused you to give up everything you love and shut down. It's important to know that what you are experiencing has nothing to do with you. Your whole family have major issues that they are not addressing and unfortunately this will still be going on when you are an adult. As awful as it might be to say, your brother is insignificant. He's an abusive misogynist and has no interest in changing. There's no excuse for his behavior. One day he will no longer be a part of your life. Your parents are different. Let go of your anger towards them. You don't know it now, but they experienced just as much abuse growing up as you are. It's likely that abuse has plagued this family for generations. The difference between you and them is that one day you will acknowledge that you are a victim of abuse and will work long and hard to heal and overcome it. One day you will no longer be a victim but a survivor and you will not only break the cycle but use your experiences to help others. They may never address their past and remain victims their whole lives. That does not warrant anger towards them but sadness for them. Perhaps as they see you heal, they will be encouraged to do the same. In the meantime, your education is your way out. Stop slacking and put all of your effort into it. I don't mean just in school either. Keep writing, keep reading every book you can find, keep meeting new people, keep going new places. Look for as many new and positive experiences as you can find.

This post is getting pretty long. I still have more to write so I'm going to continue this in another post.

To be continued...

Friday, March 6, 2015

Then & Now

Was dark and empty
Heart hard as stone, cold as ice
Just a shell, devoid of life

Now there is beauty
Love and desire abound
Finally there is a hope

Creative Commons License
Then & Now by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Laid Off!

It's March and so far, my attempts at discipline haven't gone so well. I can't make habits of some things and I can't even get started on others. I am not sure what is causing this resistance.

To make matters worse, I was laid off from my job. Now, I had grown to hate the job and wanted out but not like this. I have not psychologically recovered from being unemployed for 5 years and how it shattered my life. Being unemployed now is almost too scary to think about. But of course, I have to think about it. It's thrown me for a loop and I don't know what I should do next. If I went through everything that has been going on in my head, this would be the longest, most confusing, rambling post ever. That's saying something because quite often my posts are confusing and rambling.

So, I'm trying to regroup and get grounded. My head is spinning at the moment. I written before about how I always feel like, as soon as I get on my feet someone comes along and rips the rug from under me. This is one of those time and some days I feel like I spend most of my life on my back.