With the onset of a new decade, I've been thinking about the last decade. I've been thinking about the events and looking for the lessons.
It has been a very difficult decade. I have experienced depression. The whole premise of this blog is healing from everything that led to the depression. I've had constant difficulties in the jobs area. I've had long periods of unemployment and then being mistreated and devalued when I do have a job. I experienced a quarter life crisis when I realized that I had spent the decade before this working to become a lawyer, only to find that is was not what I wanted to spend my life doing. I've been floundering ever since trying to figure out what I do want. I discovered that all of people who I had considered friends for most of my life, really were not my friends and hadn't been for a long time. It's been rough.
Lessons of the Last Decade
The biggest lesson of the past decade is that I need to stop trying to make it in the corporate world. I don't belong there. The corporate world violates my spirit and everything I am. I worked very hard and left every place I worked at better than it was when I got there, but have experienced nothing but abuse and dismissal by sexist and/or racist and/or exploitative bosses. Ultimately, that's what the corporate world is. It's a system designed to exploit the majority of people so that a few can line their pockets. However, this lesson has left me quite empty and perplexed. It's all I know and I have no idea how I can get out of that world.
Another lesson is that I need to be pickier about my relationships. Whether it is friendships or a romantic relationship, I need a real tribe. I'm in my 30s and have not really experienced that even though at one point I was sure I had. Despite being burned, I have to put myself out there and be ready to dive deep if I'm ever going to find my tribe.
I discovered that I have very little faith in my abilities. I have experienced quite a lot of disappointments and even some abuse in the past decade and it has severely affected my confidence. The abuse at certain jobs by far had the greatest effect. Quite frankly, I know the people who did it would delight in knowing that their abuse had the desired effect. I need to take my power back and get my confidence level up to where it should be.
Lastly, I need to follow my desires regardless of how little sense they seem to make. I've been incredibly drawn to the idea of becoming a mindset and feminine embodiment coach. I've done a lot of visualization and coaching always comes up. I want to get out of the toxic corporate structure but I also want to subvert it by helping other women do the same. It seems kind of crazy to be thinking about teaching other women to do something that I haven't figured out how to do myself. But, I'm looking at it as the end goal. That's the only way I can make sense of it.
I'm not yet sure where these lessons are going to take me. I'm not even sure how to implement them yet. I will be doing some serious reflecting and journaling in the days and weeks to come.
