Quote: Frida Kahlo

“Don’t build a wall around your suffering. It may devour you from the inside.” 

– Frida Kahlo

This quote reminds me of a lesson I learned the hard way and the poem I wrote titled My Prison about how my own protection systems almost destroyed me.

I Need to Heal Old Coping Mechanisms

 Something that has become blatantly obvious to me in the past few months is that I have a big coping mechanism that I need to finally address.  I have become too comfortable in clutter and chaos. When I was young, my space was regularly violated. I am the type of person who very much needs my own space that is completely private and have been that way for as long as I can remember. It is very harmful to me when my space is violated. As a child, that space was my bedroom. However, that space was often violated. My brother would steal from me and my parents would do nothing about it. They would also kick me out of it whenever they wanted to host guests. I loved my room. I had a queen size bed but I got rid of it for a tiny day bed because no one would listen to my need to not have my space violated. This stopped the guests but not the theft. Over time, my solution to the theft became to make it impossible for anyone but me to find things by filling the room with clutter. It mostly worked. Everyone stayed out. However, it forced me to learn how to function normally in chaos. Now here I am in my 30s and I never managed to leave that coping mechanism behind. It isn't a coping mechanism anymore, it's actually incredibly stressful. 

So, how does one move on from a harmful coping mechanism that has become the only way a person knows how to function? I have absolutely no idea. I moved a month ago and still have so much unpacking and organizing to do. I live in this weird dichotomy where it stresses me to look at the clutter but I feel no urge to address it because it is what I am used to.

I think this is going to be a big part of my "clearing the weeds" year. I have a lot of bad habits that directly relate to coping mechanisms. They have been keeping me stuck and it is time to address them if I ever want to move forward.