Sunday, July 22, 2012

Crying

I couldn't stop crying yesterday. It wasn't a full cry. It was hours of tears constantly streaming down my face. I have thought for quite some time that I am in terrible need of a really good cry. I find that quite impossible to do though. Something in the back of my head reminds me that I have never felt better after crying. Crying makes me feel weak and out of control. It's a problem.

I've only ever cried during and after fights with my parents and boyfriends. On a rare occasion I've shed a couple of tears at a sad movie scene. Mostly I only cry during fights because I don't know any other way to release emotion.

See, growing up whenever I was upset about something my parents would either tell me to get over it or ask if I was on my period. Their favorite thing to say is, "It doesn't affect us if your upset. That only hurts you." Basically, I've always been taught that my emotions are irrelevant. If I was hurt by something, it didn't matter. It became far more hurtful to express my feelings than it was to bottle them up. I've never been in a situation where it was safe to be vulnerable and to express myself.

I think I'm at a point where I am completely full. It doesn't matter whether I'm safe or not. I have to be vulnerable and express myself because I have no other choice. Every little thing causes me to overflow. I'm still fighting it though. I'd give almost anything to be in a safe situation but I'm not and never will be. Unfortunately, releasing and cleansing is the only way I will be able to pick myself up. I won't have the means to leave the situation I'm in and create my own safe situation until I pick myself up.

Somehow, I have to learn to cry again. I want to curl my legs up under me, bury my face in my hands and between my knees, and sob. I want to release every hurt I've ever suffered. I have to learn to see crying as cathartic rather than a sign of weakness.

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