If you read this blog then you know that I am on a quest, sort of speak, to reclaim the parts of me that were either suppressed or tossed aside. Because of years of emotional abuse among other kinds of abuse, I basically became an empty shell surrounded by a fortress in order to cope. One day I realized that it was no longer keeping me safe, that it had actually buried me alive. So, I went to work tearing down the fortress walls. I am no where near finished with that project but I want to focus more on the empty shell for the moment.
Now that I've been writing again after over a decade of only writing school essays, it has cleared some of the pain and clutter away. I can see much more clearly now and can better assess everything from the deep to the seemingly superficial. Nothing is really superficial when it comes to who you are and how you present it to the world, but I do think some things are more important than others. I've started looking at who I was before the downward spiral began as kind of a guideline, my 6 year old self.
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about femininity. My 6 year old self was very feminine. She was graceful (for a 6 year old), girly, creative, almost always wore dresses, loved looking pretty, and most importantly she reveled in being a girl. I never really stopped being girly but I did stop reveling in being a woman. Don't be confused, I never wanted to be a man. I just haven't enjoyed being a woman the way that I would like to.
So, now what? How does one go about regaining her femininity? I'm still working on a complete answer. However, what really stands out for me at the moment as a huge difference between me now and me at age 6 is my body. I was a gymnast as a child. My body was strong and flexible. I was so proud of the things my body was capable of doing. Now, not so much. So, part of the answer would be to work on getting that back. I think the biggest part of femininity and reveling in being a woman is loving your body and what it can do.
Time to start to seriously workout and stretch. I'm starting with a short work out 3 days a week and I have a stretch routine to do after the workout. I'm looking for a stretch routine that I can do on the days that I don't work out. I'm trying to build the habit first, then I will work on improving it.
It's a start.