Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I Want My Femininity Back

If you read this blog then you know that I am on a quest, sort of speak, to reclaim the parts of me that were either suppressed or tossed aside. Because of years of emotional abuse among other kinds of abuse, I basically became an empty shell surrounded by a fortress in order to cope. One day I realized that it was no longer keeping me safe, that it had actually buried me alive. So, I went to work tearing down the fortress walls. I am no where near finished with that project but I want to focus more on the empty shell for the moment.

Now that I've been writing again after over a decade of only writing school essays, it has cleared some of the pain and clutter away. I can see much more clearly now and can better assess everything from the deep to the seemingly superficial. Nothing is really superficial when it comes to who you are and how you present it to the world, but I do think some things are more important than others. I've started looking at who I was before the downward spiral began as kind of a guideline, my 6 year old self.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about femininity. My 6 year old self was very feminine. She was graceful (for a 6 year old), girly, creative, almost always wore dresses, loved looking pretty, and most importantly she reveled in being a girl. I never really stopped being girly but I did stop reveling in being a woman. Don't be confused, I never wanted to be a man. I just haven't enjoyed being a woman the way that I would like to.

So, now what? How does one go about regaining her femininity? I'm still working on a complete answer. However, what really stands out for me at the moment as a huge difference between me now and me at age 6 is my body. I was a gymnast as a child. My body was strong and flexible. I was so proud of the things my body was capable of doing. Now, not so much. So, part of the answer would be to work on getting that back. I think the biggest part of femininity and reveling in being a woman is loving your body and what it can do.

Time to start to seriously workout and stretch. I'm starting with a short work out 3 days a week and I have a stretch routine to do after the workout. I'm looking for a stretch routine that I can do on the days that I don't work out. I'm trying to build the habit first, then I will work on improving it.

It's a start.

2 comments:

  1. I really, really enjoyed this post. Your thoughts about getting your femininity back resonated with me. After being sexually harassed in my early teens (on a nearly daily basis), I found comfort in wearing lots of jeans and mens polo shirts. These helped me to be "invisible". I despised my womanly body, and, even as I got older and became slightly more comfortable with my body, I still took comfort in being able to "hide". I wore my dresses, and looked more feminine, but I didn't feel the true essence of it: I felt like I was playing dress-up in someone else's closet. It didn't feel as authentic as I would like for it to be.

    More recently, I gained about 15 lbs, several months AFTER losing all of the baby weight I gained while pregnant. Now the body that I had issues with is heavier and doesn't fit into my wardrobe :/ So, I've started moving my body more, and watching what I eat. I will be looking into taking a bellydance class, so I can (hopefully) overcome some of my body issues, tone up, and embrace my femininity.

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    Replies
    1. I can completely relate to the desire to be invisible. It wasn't until recently that I realized that I was trying to disappear. It's glaringly obvious in my wardrobe and posture. Two things that I need to address as well.

      I love the idea of taking belly dancing classes! I would imagine that it would make someone very aware of their body, in the best way. I should see if there are any classes in my area.

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