Saturday, September 13, 2014

What Do I Want?

For about a month, a temp was working in my department at work. He took an interest in me. He couldn't seem to figure me out and asked me every question he could think of to try and make sense of me. Most of the questions were easy answers for me but as he got more comfortable with me and realized I wasn't going to be offended by his questions he started asking more complicated questions and delving deeper. Then on his last day he asked me a question that I couldn't for the life of me answer. He asked, "If someone were to ask my future significant other what I was to him, what would I want him to say?"

I hadn't realized before that, how abstract the concept of a long-term relationship is to me. It's not just significant others but friendships as well. I know that in the past I chose to love the people that I loved because some I had just grown up with and I held on to the history that we shared and some because I had no self worth and having them in my life made me feel like I had value. I never pondered what I was to them and what kind of person that made them. That's not really important when you just want to feel like someone wants you. Now, I do know my value and am trusting my instincts. I no longer need anyone's validation to feel worth something. But I haven't thought about putting into words any kind of expectations I have for people in my life other than they must treat me with respect. Of course, even that has different meaning to everyone and I'm not even sure that I can define what it means to me.

Quite frankly, I have no idea what kind of people I want in my life. I spent too much time just taking what I could get and now I don't know what I want or need.

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