Saturday, April 29, 2017

I'm Friendship Inept

I have made no secret that I have a long history of being mistreated by people, from abusive family and boyfriends to neglectful friends. Quite a few years ago, I pulled away from relationships. I cut off neglectful friends, ended my relationship with an abusive boyfriend, and stopped working on creating new relationships. I stopped dating and decided to be celibate and while I was still friendly with people, I didn't attempt to become friends with anyone. I just stopped desiring relationships.

Recently that has changed. If I ever wondered whether the work I was doing towards healing was working or not, this is proof that it is. I don't desire a lot of friends or to start dating like I used to. I desire a very close sister circle, including a mentor, and a long-term romantic relationship.

I am kind of confused about the whole thing though. I have spent most of my adult life avoiding relationships so now I have no idea how to start friendships and even less of an idea how to date maturely. That's such an odd thing to even think about, much less admit. I'm 30 years old and I do not know how to make friends. Seriously, where do I begin? I'm very shy and hate small talk, which seems to be the starting point of most relationships. I tend to avoid creating close relationships at work because I've always seen it cause problems. So in a city that has very little of the things I enjoy, how do I even meet people with similar interests? Moving is not an option and I'm not too interested in running. I'll save moving until I've got some thing figured out.

I'll stop now. Usually as I'm writing, I come to some kind of conclusion or at least get an idea. I'm stumped on this one.

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