Trying To End A Cycle

I am really struggling in the area of career right now. I am still unemployed and have very little in the way of prospects. I am also just very tired. I have always struggled in this area. Whenever I find myself unemployed, it lasts for months and even years. Then when I finally do find a job, it turns out to be a dead end and I end up being mistreated. I get used and abused, then let go for some bullshit reason. This has been my cycle since the beginning and I cannot seem to get out of it. Something has to change but I cannot figure out what or how.

Jobs are not one of those things that you can really just wait for the right one to come along. You need to be making money. You have bills to pay. You need to eat. There isn't a way around that unless you have someone willing to take care of you. I consistently find myself in a position where I am completely broke and only have one option for work. Then the job quickly turns out to be terrible and completely drains me so that I am unable to work towards something else. Then I get angry at myself for being so exhausted and scatterbrained. That's when the depression rears its ugly head and the downward spiral begins.

Something has to be different this time or I will end up back in the same cycle.

Guiding Word of the Year for 2019

I have really struggled with deciding on what to do with this year's guiding word of the year. At first after thinking about it for awhile, I considered keeping my guiding word for 2018 going into 2019. My issues with my former employer gave me so much stress and really derailed my progress in 2018. I really did not focus on that guiding word much so I wanted to try again. However, it didn't give me that settled feeling that I usually get when I find my word of the year. So I decided to keep reflecting and see what happened.

I don't know exactly where the revelation came from but suddenly I realized that I live my life in fear. I have been stuck for awhile because I've been fearful and too tired to address it. It was pretty sad to realize. When I started this blog, the catalyst was the Anias Nin quote I have posted on top, over there. ------------>
I was tired of hiding and not growing so I started journaling here to work through my blocks and heartache. I healed in many ways and made big changes in my life. I was really proud of my progress. However, some of those changes and chances I took blew up in my face in a big way and forced me into a situation I worked very hard to avoid. Now I'm living in a very conservative city as a woman of mixed heritage with no friends because I don't fit it, being mistreated at every job I've had, and with no real prospects for advancement despite being highly skilled.

Now I realize that I am paralyzed in fear of taking another chance and that has to change. I'll never get out of this situation if I don't start taking big chances.

My guiding word of the year is:
Courage

I don't know how I am going to put this into action yet. It's going to take more reflection to get a better handle on what exactly I want. I have a basic idea, but I will need to be more specific before I can make a plan.