Money

 I watched this podcast recently about money and healing the masculine and feminine and I started to think about my relationship with money. This is definitely coming up as one of the toxic trees that I am trying to clear out. Growing up, my parents never had enough money and I often went without, even only having one pair of pants at a time. I did get lunch money so I stopped eating lunch so that I could save up for more clothes, starting with another pair of pants. They also took away from me to give to my brother. Now as an adult, that lack I had as a child has been showing up in how I spend. I collect things, I have bought a large amount of clothes and shoes, I buy whatever comes to mind because I don't ever want to feel that lack again. But I also am constantly thinking about money because, even though I make what should be good money, this world is more expensive than ever and I do still live paycheck to paycheck. Obviously, this is a fine line to walk.

As an adult, I now know that my parents did have enough money, they did not have much financial literacy and did have have their priorities in line. That knowledge kind of messes with my head even more. Them not having me as high on their priority list as other things makes me want to prioritize myself even more. The problem is that I don't know how to do that in a healthy way. So that brings me back to looking at my relationship with money. How do I prioritize myself but build a healthy relationship?

I've spent most of my adult life viewing money as a tool. In the podcast, Sorelle said that she views money as energy that just wants to be loved. That made me pause. It's a viewpoint that I had never heard. Money is abused in so many ways by people who view it as either a tool or something to hoard or something evil. What would happen if more people viewed money as a beautiful energy that wants to be loved? What would change in me, if I viewed money that way?

Honestly, I don't know what that looks like. I operate from a wounded fear of lack and the idea of money being a tool. Viewing money as energy means viewing it as abundant. It means that there is no lack, which is very hard for me to wrap my head around.