Sunday, January 27, 2013

So Angry

I still have so much anger in me over the way people, especially my parents, think they can treat me. I recently confronted them about the things they allowed my brother to get away with. One of the things in particular I have a problem with is them allowing him to degrade me. He used to call me up and say something like this, "I'm at school. Come pick me up bitch," and then hang up. Of course, I'd refuse to pick him up or whatever is was that he was ordering me to do so he would call my parents. They would call me and when I told them how he talked to me and what he called me they would say, "It doesn't matter what he called you, do as he told you to do." They also allowed him to threaten to beat me up, get his friends to beat me up, actually physically attack me, and even threaten to kill me. He wasn't a child either when this was happening. He was in high school and its continued into his adulthood. Never once were there consequences to his behavior and never once did my parents sit me down and tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Frankly, I fully believe they think I do deserve  to be treated that way.

Anyways, I am still hurt and quite livid about it. I see how incidents like that and the thousands of others have led me to the point of deep depression I'm in now and have been in for years. Not to mention the abusive relationships I've been in. So, I confronted them about it. They said that maybe I shouldn't have been treated like that but the real problem is that my feelings get hurt too easily.

Basically they told me its my fault that I wasn't able to handle being threatened and degraded better. Now I'm more angry and depressed than ever. How do you find worth in yourself when your own parents see no worth in you? I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. If I had the means I would move away, change my name and never look back. I fantasize about it but I don't have the means yet. But when I do, is leaving the best option? What's worse, a family who thinks you are nothing, or having no family at all?

So, I realized that I can't make a decision based on the anger that I feel and have felt for years. I don't know how to release it though. Especially since I continue to be in the situation with the people that make me so angry and have no way out yet. It feels like no matter what I do, it will be the wrong decision and I will be the one who gets hurt.

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