Thursday, January 31, 2013

Gregorian

I love the concept of this band. They do gregorian chant inspired covers a wide variety of songs. I've always been intrigued by gregorian chants. They can be so relaxing. So, I love what Gregorian is doing. Here's Gregorian's version of Sarah Brightman's Fleurs du Mal. It's one of my favorites.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Monday, January 28, 2013

Quote: Marianne Williamson

"Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is."

-Marianne Williamson

Sunday, January 27, 2013

So Angry

I still have so much anger in me over the way people, especially my parents, think they can treat me. I recently confronted them about the things they allowed my brother to get away with. One of the things in particular I have a problem with is them allowing him to degrade me. He used to call me up and say something like this, "I'm at school. Come pick me up bitch," and then hang up. Of course, I'd refuse to pick him up or whatever is was that he was ordering me to do so he would call my parents. They would call me and when I told them how he talked to me and what he called me they would say, "It doesn't matter what he called you, do as he told you to do." They also allowed him to threaten to beat me up, get his friends to beat me up, actually physically attack me, and even threaten to kill me. He wasn't a child either when this was happening. He was in high school and its continued into his adulthood. Never once were there consequences to his behavior and never once did my parents sit me down and tell me that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Frankly, I fully believe they think I do deserve  to be treated that way.

Anyways, I am still hurt and quite livid about it. I see how incidents like that and the thousands of others have led me to the point of deep depression I'm in now and have been in for years. Not to mention the abusive relationships I've been in. So, I confronted them about it. They said that maybe I shouldn't have been treated like that but the real problem is that my feelings get hurt too easily.

Basically they told me its my fault that I wasn't able to handle being threatened and degraded better. Now I'm more angry and depressed than ever. How do you find worth in yourself when your own parents see no worth in you? I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore. If I had the means I would move away, change my name and never look back. I fantasize about it but I don't have the means yet. But when I do, is leaving the best option? What's worse, a family who thinks you are nothing, or having no family at all?

So, I realized that I can't make a decision based on the anger that I feel and have felt for years. I don't know how to release it though. Especially since I continue to be in the situation with the people that make me so angry and have no way out yet. It feels like no matter what I do, it will be the wrong decision and I will be the one who gets hurt.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Quote: King Henry V, Act V, Scene II

"A fair face will wither; a full eye will wax hollow: but a good heart, Kate, is the sun and the moon; or, rather, the sun and not the moon; for it shines bright, and never changes, but keeps his course truly. If thou would have such a one, take me: and take me, take a soldier; take a soldier, take a king: and what say’st thou then to my love? Speak, my fair, and fairly, I pray thee."


-King Henry V, Act V, Scene II

Friday, January 18, 2013

Quote: John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

“I am,” he said. He was staring at me, and I could see the corners of his eyes crinkling. “I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.”

-John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Quote: Anais Nin

“I believe one writes because one has to create a world in which one can live.”

-Anaïs Nin

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Guiding Word Of The Year

I decided not to make New Year's resolutions this year. Everytime I make a list of resolutions, whether New Years or not, I never complete it and I resent myself for failing. Obviously I need a different way of operating in order to get things done. So I didn't even bother thinking about resolutions this year. Then I was inspired by this post over at Show My Face. Every year CallMeCate choses a guiding word. So, I'm stealing the idea.

My guiding word this year is:

Action


While I did quite a bit of self reflection this last year in an attempt to improve my inner world, I did very little to improve my outer world. So this year as I continue improving my inner self, I need to do more for the rest of myself. I need to take charge and become a woman of action. That means getting out and doing more, more exercise, actively trying to meet people I am compatible with, actively searching for a better job, and clearing out the junk to better my physical environment. This year I need to move on to more than just self reflection.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Quote: Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

“You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control.”

 -Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

Monday, January 7, 2013

Quote: Brene Brown

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. Let yourself be seen… love with your whole heart… practice gratitude and joy… believe you are enough."
-Brene Brown
True but scary. People have always used my vulnerability against me. I need to learn how to chose better people to be in my life so that I can safely be vulnerable. I think I really need someone I can be vulnerable with.