Admission Time

I have to admit something. I am very lonely. I seem to be a complete outsider here and haven't managed to make any friends since I've been here. I have met some incredible people but no one that I can relate to or whose belief system matches mine. No one I could simply go out and have fun with either.

I thought that I had made a friend a while ago. I mentioned him once. We got along so well but he was only interested in dating. When he realized that dating wasn't in our future he decided that he no longer wanted me in his life. The part I don't think I have talked about is that he came back into my life, apologized profusely, and explained his actions. I agreed to give him a second chance expressing very clearly that we could only ever be friends and he agreed. Except he was a completely different person after that. He was inconsiderate and disrespectful. When I confronted him on it, he refused to give any explanation and told me my thoughts on the matter were bs and to get over it. That was the last straw for me and I haven't spoken to him since. He was dating someone at that point and I firmly believe that the way he was treating me was to show me that I am replaceable and expendable.

Unfortunately, the whole episode has made me leery of meeting new people. I have had quite a bit of drama with relationships lately and I'm pretty weary of it. People who I thought were life long friends abandoned me when I was at my lowest point, every guy to ever come into my life turned it upside down and ripped me apart, and I really don't trust any member of my family, not completely anyways. I'm just tired of it. I am worth so much more than this.

However, that still leaves me in a state of loneliness. I either go out and meet people risking more of this, or I remain alone. For awhile, remaining alone was just fine with me. Now, it irritates me to no end. I guess that means I'm ready to try again. I hope that is what it means anyways.

The good news is that I finally have a car. My aunt found one that was a good price and had really low mileage on it. It was in great condition and I knew that there wasn't going to be another deal like that so I jumped on it. Now I have a cute little car and can actually go places. So, now I just have to figure out where I want to go. There are drawbacks to living in such a big city. But, maybe I can finally get the ball rolling.

Overwhelmed

I have been super focused on make changes in my life for the past few months now. I've been shopping for clothes, creating and using a planner, taking better care of my skin, budgeting, trying to exercise more, trying to write more, and trying to embrace other forms of creativity. Until about two weeks ago. I kind of hit a wall and couldn't figure out what the problem was. Why am I not working towards what I want so badly?

Well, I finally figured out that I am trying to make too many changes all at once. I am trying to break all my bad habits and create a bunch of new habits too quickly. I became overwhelmed and my brain just stopped. So, now I have to figure out how to step back and go about this much more slowly.

The problem is, I am a big picture person so it is very hard for me to see the individual steps and even harder for me to have the patience to take them. It feels like the end result will never happen. I'm sure everyone feels like that at times. But for me, I feel like I have been in the same spot for years so this very slow moving is agonizing. Plus, to top it off, I really have no friends here and not much freedom. So, there is very little fun in my life. I really am emotionally exhausted with no rest in sight.

The only chance of fixing the freedom part and possibly the fun part is to get my own car but my finances won't allow that just yet. So, I remain overwhelmed because there is too much to fix and no way to fix it.

I'm not sure yet what my new plan will be. I don't know what I should be focusing on.

Quote: Mick Ukleja & Robert Lorber

"Reflection is looking in so you can look out with a broader, bigger, and more accurate perspective.” 

-Mick Ukleja & Robert Lorber