End of the Year Thoughts

 As we move towards the new year, I've been thinking heavily about the past. The past few years have been really hard on me and this year especially. I actually felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown for a while. I am exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had to spend some real serious time figuring out why.

I agree with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. In my early adult life, the lowest level of my pyramid was covered. However, I was extremely depressed. I was living with my parents and the relationship was terrible. My brother was there too and he and his friends were violent, on drugs, would party and drink, were getting arrested regularly. I had cops show up while I was in the shower and then threaten to come back in the middle of the night so they could drag me out of my bed naked, because I had the audacity to get dressed before answering the door. On top of that, my depression was too much for my so-called friends. They did not see me and my friendship as worth the effort so they left. So my safety needs were not be met and my love and belonging needs were not met. I started this blog during that time because I desperately needed an outlet and something that made me feel grounded even if it was just barely.

I moved in with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta in my mid-twenties in an attempt to get out of that situation and to try and get on my feet. It took a few months but I found a job. It was part-time and took about 8 months to become full-time. During that time, my aunt and uncle took half of my income, despite what they told me before I moved in about not doing that. Most of the rest of my income went to necessities, gas, toiletries, food, etc. I managed to set aside enough to buy a bed and a desk. My physiological needs were taken care of and my safety needs were finally taken care of. I began working on meeting people and trying to make friends. Once the job became full-time, I started looking for my own apartment. I really wasn't making enough money for that but I figured out a very strict budget that would allow me to move out. Before I was able to complete the process, I was laid off. I was unable to find another job. I applied to over 100 jobs without getting a single interview. I reached out to people at church and only a couple of people attempted to help. Once again, people did not see me as worth the effort. My aunt and uncle ended up kicking me out as well. So then I was back to square one.

I moved back across the country, back in with my parents. Things were different this time and my physiological needs and my safety needs were met. I was able to very quickly start trying to meet people. I started working temp jobs, hoping one would turn in to a full-time job. One did, and I was able to move into my own apartment. I did not meet friends but I did meet a man that I ended up getting into a relationship with and he moved in with me. It was my first relationship in 8 years. I still wanted friends but I felt secure and loved. Then in typical fashion, the job turned in to a disaster. The CEO was abusive and the advisors saw it happening and contributed to it. I was eventually fired. Then it took six months to find another job and my boyfriend could not handle being the sole breadwinner. He lashed out and really was not there for me while I was recovering from the abuse I experienced and dealing with the struggle that comes with being unable to find a job.

I finally was able to go back to temp jobs and my relationship improved. Two years later, finally a temp job became a full time job and I feel comfortable at this job. However, I still have not found friends in this city. I also realized recently that I will never be able to view my boyfriend the way I did before. My physiological needs are met and my safety needs are met but I no longer feel loved like I used to. I am seriously considering whether I should stay in the relationship. 

This is why I am exhausted. I have spent almost 15 years of adulthood trying to meet my most basic needs. I've also been doing it without any real support. People were not meant to live in a constant struggle and we certainly were not meant to struggle alone. Something has to change or I will experience some kind of breakdown. I don't know what the answer is but I will be going in to this new year with a real need to take a step in a new direction.

The Magician

I have the tools I need
Even if I don't quite see it yet
I know I am supported by nature
The four elements providing guidance
Closing my eyes and connecting with the universe
I take deep breathes with intention
To unblock my creative potential
And focus my thoughts on my desires
Creative energy courses through my veins
Speaking my alchemical incantation
"As above, so below
As within, so without"
Aligning my life to match my dreams
Manifesting my desires
Creating my reality

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Working on Goal #1

Goal #1 for this year was to get my finances under control. I really don't know what that looks like so I picked a few things to focus on for the time being.

1. Investing
I wish I had started investing a long time ago. I thought about it for years and kept avoiding it because I did not know what I was doing and I could not afford to lose money. Fortunately, I found Ellevest. Unfortunately, now that I have decided to start, the Coronavirus comes around and causes stocks to drop. "major sigh" My job ended because of it too. "even bigger sigh" So this is on hold until things calm down a bit.

2. Emergency Fund
I'm slowly but surely building an emergency fund. It is going to take a long time because I don't make much more money than what covers food and bills. I just started and have been trying to work out how much of each paycheck I can devote to it while still having enough for everything else.

3. Budgeting
I have struggled so much with budgeting over the years. I've tried multiple apps, spreadsheets, and paper with no luck. I can't seem to make any system work for me. I need to come up with something that I can work at least for the time being.

It's a start. I am definitely on hold while this pandemic has the world shut down. I feel confident that I will be on the right track once everything is up and running again.

The Fool

A new journey
A new beginning
Unaware and naive
But excited and optimistic
Prepared to learn and grow
Together with my faithful companion
Ready to venture into the unknown
Though rash decisions may be made
And inexperience will have consequences
Faith will be tested
And freedom will be achieved
Immature patterns will be revealed
And intuition will be developed
I have everything I need to start
It all begins with a leap of faith


The Fool by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Tarot and Journaling

My journaling practice has been very stagnant for a long time and I've been floundering without it. Journaling is what grounds me. Without it, I struggle. So far, nothing has really revived it. I've looked into creating different spiritual practices to ground me and the only thing I've really connected with are tarot and oracle cards.

I'm going to attempt to put journaling together with tarot and oracle cards. For starters, I want to try to write a poem in the first person, about each of the major arcana of the tarot. Each card has a "positive" and "negative" meaning that I plan on incorporating into each poem.

Let's see if this gets me writing again.

Updating My 2020 Goals

It's mid-February and I already realized that I need to reevaluate my goals for the year. My goals were good but I realized that they were too focused on building a future business but not enough on other areas of my life. I'm not going to create the kind of business that I want by letting areas of my life fall by the wayside. I came up with something a bit more balanced.

Goal #1
Get my finances under control. Come up with a plan to invest regularly and to build an emergency fund.

Goal #2
Pick charities to support. I used to support some regularly but once money got tight I was unable to anymore. It won't be much right now but I'm tired of not making a difference for anyone. I believe in the butterfly effect so I believe that something small can lead to big things.

Goal #3
Take one journaling course, one NLP course, and one EFT course. I do believe in the power of these techniques and I would like to make them part of my life.

Goal #4
Create a mindfulness practice. I had a good morning routine going for a while but I began waking up in the night a lot and needing the extra sleep. So I'm going to try coming up with a short routine for the morning and a short one for after work. I always need a good way to decompress after a long day. Some part of the practice will include journaling.

Goal #5
Write one poem a month. I haven't written a poem in years and I'm not happy about it. I'm going to focus on getting my poetic voice back.

These goals feel much more balanced to me. Now to create a real plan for each one.

2020 Theme of the Year

I'm doing something a bit different this year. This year will be the first year in a long time that I am not going to pick a guiding word of the year. It's been a few years since I really followed my guiding word. I keep having trouble focusing on my guiding words and really didn't know what I wanted out of them I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean and my only direction was to go east. I didn't even know what country I was going to. This year, I'm trying to have clear coordinates. I need a way to take the idea of a guiding word and make it more specific.

This year I'm going to try having a theme of the year. I think this will function as the destination. I'll have more than just a general direction.

My theme for the year is:
Building the Foundation

As you know, I've been really drawn to the idea of getting out of the corporate world, going into business for myself with a healthier business model than what I've experienced in the corporate world, and helping other women do the same. I'm trying to build a foundation for that.

To begin building that foundation, I'm also working on some goals that will function as the directions to get there.

Goal #1
Find a job that steps away from the typical corporate environment that I'm used to. I'm having trouble getting specific with this one. I have no idea what this looks like.

Goal #2
Take 2-3 journaling courses. I've been a bit stuck on my journey lately so I've been looking for new ways of looking at things to bring new things up in me. This is one of the reasons I've been so drawn to oracle cards lately. Journaling courses will let me learn from someone else. I do have a bit of an ulterior motive for this as well. I desire to make my own journaling courses and would like to see how some are structured.

Goal #3
Take neurolinguistic programming (NLP) and emotional freedom techniques (EFT) courses. This relates to goal #4. I am interested in mindset coaching and want to go beyond affirmations. These are tangible techniques that are backed by science and that's the direction I want to go.

Goal #4
Choose two coaching certifications to work towards. One will revolve around mindset. I want to be certified to teach NLP and EFT.  The second will revolve around feminine embodiment.

Goal #5
Learn enough about Excel, Keynote, and maybe Goodnotes to decide if I want to sell spreadsheets and digital planning templates. This is something I've been thinking about but am not sure if it's something I want to do. It's a pretty saturated market and I don't know that I really have anything to add but it's worth looking into since it's something I like to do.

I'm going to spend more time refining these goals. I want them to be specific and measurable. I want to make sure I really am building a foundation that will lead to a happier and more fulfilling life.