Saturday, February 23, 2013

Angry and Stuck

I want to write poems about the anger I feel that I wrote about here. Writing poetry (if that's what it should be called) helps me to deal with whatever I'm feeling but I can't write a single thing. It's taking over all of me and I can't release it. Journalling here helps for a little while but it comes back. How can I get out of this when I can't do the one thing that helps? It's taking me days to find the words just for this post.

I know that I'm stuck. I will never get anywhere in life until I figure out how to deal with the anger I feel. The more I think about the past, the angrier I get but I can't put it behind me and I can't push it aside anymore. I'm not just angry at them either, I'm angry at myself because I feel like I should've been more forceful in handling some situations. I really should've called the cops every time I was threatened. I should've left long ago and never looked back. I believe that they don't take me seriously and these are the only two things I can think of that had the slightest chance of changing that. Too late now though. My brother hasn't threatened my life in awhile and I'm hoping it will stay that way. Him starting up again really doesn't help me even if it does give me a reason to call the cops. Besides having to go through all that again while my parents sit and watch is just going to deepen the wound and most likely they will use my current unemployment to threaten to kick me out.

So, I guess the only thing to do is move out and get an unlisted address and phone number. They are never going to change their thinking and behavior are they? So, my only option is to get away. But I'll still be angry and I'll still be stuck. So, I'm going in circles.

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