Panicking!

My parents have decided to move! They plan to be gone by the beginning of September. Which means that I only have until then to decide where I want to move and how I'm going to do it. I am scared to death. I went to Vegas in April and I'm going to Atlanta in June, then I have to decide which city I want to move to and really, I'm not sure that either one will provide me with more options to pursue journal therapy. It almost seems like what I'm trying to do is unprecedented, so I am having trouble figuring out how to do it. My guess is that I should get a teaching degree and take a journal therapy certification program. The problem with that is I can only find one and it only teaches one journalling technique. I thought I was looking for an expressive therapy degree, which maybe I still should, but that focuses on a bunch of stuff I'm not interested in and hardly focuses on journal therapy. So, now what?

Plus, I'm still don't know what kind of job I should try and get in order to get me moving in the right direction. I could probably volunteer at some sort of literacy program or therapy center. But, then I still need a job that shows I'm working in a certain direction. Right now my job experience is all over the place and one of the reasons I've been unemployed for so long. I've been trying to rework my resume to show common threads, what precious little there are. You'd think a writer could be more creative! I don't see how I can gear it towards teaching journal therapy.

Basically, I'm getting nowhere and I'm running out of time. September will be here before I know it.

Quote: Rhett Butler (Gone With the Wind)

"No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."  

-Rhett Butler (Gone With the Wind)

That's what's wrong with me. I need to be kissed. I miss kissing. Deciding not to date until I get my life back on track really sucks sometimes.

Quote: Lois Lowry, Gathering Blue

“Take pride in your pain; you are stronger than those who have none”

 -Lois Lowry, Gathering Blue

I'm not so sure that's true in my case. I certainly don't feel stronger.

Don't Ask Iyanla To Fix Your Marriage

I've been watching the show "Iyanla: Fix My Life" a little bit lately. In some ways, it is a really great show. It addresses very real things and doesn't shy away from difficult subjects. I think some of Iyanla's techniques are quite interesting and worth looking into. I'm sure quite a few people are helped. I have a serious issue with the way marriages are treated on this show though.

The thing that really bothers me about this show is that there seems to be a whole lot of blaming the woman for the man's actions while coddling the man. Granted, I've only seen three episodes where marriages are addressed but it happened in all three episodes. I'm not saying that the women are never wrong but no woman is responsible for a man's actions. Iyanla refers to men as leaders and kings but then tells the women that these "leaders" are not responsible for their own actions.  What sense does that make? True leaders take responsibility for their actions and often for the actions of the people they are supposed to be leading.

One episode was about Sheree and Bob Whitfield. I won't get into all the details of their relationship because it would take forever and they're celebrities. You can just look it up if you are that interested. But Iyanla told Sheree multiple times that it was her fault that Bob didn't pay child support and wasn't there for their children. She literally said it was her fault. She also said, "A man can't get in the space where there is feminine rage and bitterness because he doesn't know how to navigate it." So what?! That probably has a lot to do with her part in why their relationship failed but what does that have to do with Bob's responsibility. Not to mention that is was his actions that created that rage and bitterness in the first place. Iyanla basically gave Bob a pass on his behavior with that statement, saying that Sheree prevented him from doing his job. I am in no way saying that Sheree isn't wrong. She has a terrible attitude and is incredibly selfish and manipulative. I mean, it was obvious that she only went on the show in hopes that Iyanla would take her side and go after Bob instead of addressing her problems as well. I'm also pretty sure that she was only interested in Bob's money to begin with. But that has nothing to do with Bob's actions. He should have paid child support and he should have been a father to his children. Real men and real fathers push to take care of their children and to spend time with them, no matter how much conflict, anger, hate, or whatever else they have to deal with from the mother. Maybe they don't succeed in the endeavor but they try. Their children are that important to them and clearly Bob didn't think that his children were worth the effort.

Now before anyone who saw the show gets on my case, I am not in their relationship and only know what I've seen on television. I know I don't know all the details. This post isn't so much about their relationship as it is about the message the show was sending out. Also, it did seem like he saw the error of his ways and was going to work to be a better father in the future. That should be acknowledged and commended but it doesn't negate his past actions. Changing your ways doesn't automatically fix the damage you already caused. The scars are already there and scars don't go away.

Like I said earlier, this isn't the only episode where it seemed like the men were getting coddled and the women were getting blamed. One episode, Iyanla blamed the woman for her husband's affair! I couldn't believe it. This has to stop! Women are responsible for our own actions, and our own actions only. When we are wrong we need to admit it, apologize, and change. We are not responsible for any man's actions.

Really, men should be offended as well. Making someone responsible for their own actions is a sign that you think that person is highly capable and worthy of high expectations. It seems that Iyanla doesn't think men are capable of much.

Haiku

Anger overwhelms me
Confusion fills my mind
Loss of all my dreams

Hmm, this one isn't good. I probably shouldn't be trying unfamiliar forms of poetry right now if I want to write something good. But, this is about learning and growing so its better to try.


Haiku by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Diane Koepke

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, employer, romantic interest, friend or new acquaintance. You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go." 

 -Diane Koepke

If the time comes that I need to finally get some people out of my life, I hope that I remember this.

Lessons and Blessings

"We met for a reason – you are either a blessing or a lesson" 

-Frank Ocean

They say that every lesson is a blessing. I'm not sure if that's true. There are some lessons that people shouldn't have to learn. I never should've had to learn what abuse looks like. I never should've had to learn what sexual assault looks like. No one should. So, is it a blessing that I learned those lessons? If it keeps me from facing something worse, then I suppose so. If I can manage to use my experiences to help someone else, then yes. But I'm not sure that the lesson is the blessing. I think having the wherewithal to use that lesson for something good. That is the blessing.

I'm all for being proud of your body and feeling beautiful at any healthy size, but putting down other body types is not the way to do it. As for comparing men to dogs, that shouldn't happen either. Men don't deserve that. There's some boys out there that are animals and deserve to be referred to as such. Its incredibly important to know the difference.

Quote: Amy Plum

"I was an escapist at heart. I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one." 

-Amy Plum

I have this problem too. I definitely have a problem facing the world I'm in right now. Its easier and more satisfying to just escape into my own imagination. I don't recommend it though. I know its one of the reasons that my progress is moving so slowly.

Reactivating Word Verification

Oh my goodness! My inbox has been flooded with spam comments for the past week or so! Its so incredibly annoying. I know some of you had complained about the word verification so I had disabled it. I'm putting it back on temporarily to see if it helps put an end to this because I can't take it anymore. I don't know how else to stop the madness! Hopefully those of you who want to leave real comments won't be deterred by this situation which I hope won't last for long.

Dream Interpretation Please

I had the strangest dream last night and since I'm still thinking about it, I thought I'd post it.

I was engaged and it was the night before my wedding. I guess we were having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party but everyone was there, friends, family, people I haven't talked to in years, and people I didn't even know. My fiance was a sweet, cute guy who obviously loved me. He wasn't what I'm normally attracted to but still cute. The weird part was that I couldn't remember anything about him. I spent the whole party trying to gather information. I couldn't remember his name, age, how or when he proposed, anything. The ring was beautiful but I was wearing it on my right hand. By the end of the dream, I had only found out that he was 22 and part of a dance crew. I woke up just as he started teaching a dance to everyone at the party. Its the only time I've ever seen my dad dance! Haha!

Well, that was it. I'm not sure why its still running through my head. Perhaps because I didn't get any answers that made sense. Maybe because his face was so clear and was someone I don't know in real life. Its all so weird to me.

Sharon Johnstone Fine Art Photography

I am in love with macro photography. I would love to learn how to do it, but that isn't in the cards right now. So in the meantime, check out Sharon Johnstone's amazing macro photography.

Thinness The New Subservience?

"A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience. Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women’s history; a quietly mad population is a tractable one."  

-Naomi Wolf, The Beauty Myth

Interesting thought. This world has always been obsessed with female obedience. This obsession with thinness is a fairly new thing. Maybe it came about as a way to maintain female subservience. Maybe not, but its something to think about. Maybe I should get my hands on that book.

Quote: E.E. Cummings

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit." 

 -E.E. Cummings

What happens if no one in your life reveals that? What if the people in your life are desperate to prevent you from seeing value in yourself? Will you ever be able to believe in yourself?

Disney, Say No To The Merida Makeover, Keep Our Hero Brave

Disney, Say No To The Merida Makeover, Keep Our Hero Brave

Disney has been frustrating a lot of people for quite some time. Merida from Brave was the princess we were all waiting for and now she's being changed. Once again our little girls are being told that looks are what is really important. That a woman's value is based on how how sexual she is. Its time for the sexism to stop. Disney and all other media need to get the message and we need to start getting our voices heard. Change must happen. Please go sign this petition and take one more step to providing our daughters with a world where they are free and valued.

Find Your Own Fulfillment

"What is it we are questing for? It is the fulfillment of that which is potential in each of us. Questing for it is not an ego trip; it is an adventure to bring into fulfillment your gift to the world, which is yourself. There’s nothing you can do that’s more important than being fulfilled. You become a sign, you become a signal, transparent to transcendence; in this way, you will find, live, and become a realization of your own personal myth." 

-Joseph Campbell, Pathways to Bliss

Everyone should remember this and be encouraged to strive for their best self. Everyone should look for fulfillment regardless of what everyone else thinks. Very few people in your life will understand what you need to complete your life and many people feel like if they can't understand it then they can dismiss it and will try and convince you that you should to. They are wrong. Don't ever dismiss your heart and what you need to fill it just because others don't understand.

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day to all the amazing moms out there!

Healing And Butterflies

"We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” 
-Maya Angelou

These two quotes go together for me. I am desperate to heal from my past but have yet to figure out how to move on. I am certainly not fully living in the present. I think I'm trying to avoid my present because it is not good. I'm not completely stuck because I've slowly been figuring things out and seeing changes in myself but I'm not moving as fast as I would like. I keep hoping that is because this is my cocoon and that I will grow into a butterfly eventually.

Male Feminism

It is so incredibly important that men start standing up and fighting against violence, sexism, and discrimination. Not just for the women and girls that they love, but also for themselves and the boys they love. The culture that we currently live in does so much harm to both men and women but most men don't seem to realize that they have been hurt too. Its about time we all realize that feminist issues are really humanist issues.

Quote: Calvin Coolidge

"Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?"

-Calvin Coolidge

I can think of a few people from my past that would benefit greatly if they took this advice.

Quote: Simone De Beauvoir

Here's hoping!

Infuriated

Indignant over the past
Never being able to move past it
Furious about my treatment
Underminded by those closest
Ravaged by their words and actions
Indignities suffered hurt my soul
Always treated as less than
Told I'm unworthy of respect
Enough is enough
Determined to end this


Infuriated by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Trying Haiku and Senryu

Since I was having problems with my poetry studies, I thought that maybe I was biting off more than I could chew. Maybe I'm too much of a neophyte to be heading down the road to sonnet writing yet. Even though I thought I was starting at the beginning. So, I decided to start working with poetry forms that I understand better and improve my skills with those first. I'm starting with haiku and senryu. Three line poems with set syllables for each line is actually more difficult than it sounds. I think learning haiku and senryu will help me begin to wrap my mind around the idea of poetry forms. I think its a better place to start. Here's my first attempt at a haiku or senryu. I haven't quite figured out the difference yet.

Goosebumps on my arms
His fingers run down my spine
Hot breath on my neck

Ha ha, guess you can tell where my mind is tonight. Anyways, I think this will be more enjoyable and less likely to discourage me.


Trying Haiku by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Sigmund Freud

"Words have a magical power. They can bring either the greatest happiness or deepest despair … Words are capable of arousing the strongest emotions." 

-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if Freud really said this. I believe that most of what came out of Freud's mouth was total bull. Maybe he did actually say something worthwhile.

I Might Be Poetry Dumb

I've decided that if I want to consider myself a poet I need to be much more knowledgeable about poetry forms. I want to be able to write different kinds of poems instead of just my typical style. I was also kind of hoping that in my studies I would become more familiar with different poets. I am well aware that I need to get myself a book of William Shakespeare's sonnets, but what about other poets and other poetry forms.

However, I can't seem to even grasp the concept of iambic pentameter. It makes some sense when I am reading a poem written in iambic pentameter, I understand the beat. I can't even begin to put it into practice though. I also don't seem to recognize it unless I am told beforehand that the poem is written that way. It seems like one of the most basic poetry concepts and I can't get it. I feel like this doesn't bode well for my poetry career. It's also a problem because I really want to write a sonnet and sonnets are written in iambic pentameter. Many other poetry forms are too.

Of course, its entirely possible that I'm being too hard on myself. In fact its highly likely since I've been doing that a lot lately. I always feel like I started too late and that I'm seriously playing catch up. So, I get really frustrated when I don't measure up to my own standards. I have to keep reminding myself that my standards are based on what I would expect from myself if I had been doing this for my whole life which just isn't the reality.