Six Word Saturday

surprised at how far I've come

I was going through my first attempt at journalling from back in 2007. I was actually really shocked at what I saw. All the bad decisions I was making at the time, the way I thought back then, how little I thought of myself, it was pretty surprising. It was also a relief. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how I could've stayed in bad situations so long and how I could've been so blind. Now, I remember, I wasn't blind. I could see how bad things were and that I was making bad decisions and that I was making these decisions because I thought so little of myself. I just hadn't yet figured out how to navigate my lack of self-worth. It was the perfect reminder that I need to give myself more credit and that even though I'm struggling trying to get settled here, I have really come a long way from who I was.

To Electra by Robert Herrick

Quote: J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I think that one of these days you’re going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you’ve got to start going there. 

 -J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

The Path

The path divided
I chose which side I should take
Where will it take me?


The Path by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Hugh MacLeod

“Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.” 

-Hugh MacLeod, Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity

Ha, I know this feeling. I definitely lost my creativity thanks to essay writing. It wasn't that long ago that my inner child decided that she wouldn't lay dormant anymore and has been demanding her crayons ever since.

A Move Update

Well, I haven't exactly gotten off to a running start with the new life I'm trying to create. Of course, I didn't expect to. I'm not the type who can hit the ground running. I have to get my bearings first. But still, I'm overwhelmed. I have nothing and I don't know where everything is. I've been looking for a job but trying to figure out where it is compared to where I am is really slowing down the process. Atlanta's a huge place and I can't go across the city for work. I can't afford the gas and the traffic is terrible. I need a job that is relatively close by but trying to figure out what really is close by has been aggravating.

Plus, it won't be long before I really need to start meeting people and I'm not sure where to look. I need to be really conscious of who I let in my life since I have a history of bad judgement in this area. I want people will elevate me just like I'll try to elevate them. I'm staying with my aunt and uncle and it seems like all they really know when it comes to people is their church. I'm a pretty liberal Christian. Liberal Christian and conservative "Bible Belt" church do not go well together. So, what's a girl to do? I guess, get a job and see what happens from there.

I know I'm not saying anything new. People start over like this every day. But I've never done it and I feel like I'm flailing. Living out of a suitcase in someone else's house, isn't a good way for someone to feel grounded and secure. For someone who desperately needs to feel grounded and secure, this is a huge problem. But there is no other way around it. Until, I get a job and start earning enough money to pay rent and start buying things, I'm stuck. So different state, same problems. Hopefully, more opportunities to fix those problems though.

Its Official!

I did it! I have moved. Well, I have, my stuff has not. Most of it is still in Washington ready to be shipped. Now I have to figure out how to make this work. The list in my head of everything I need to feel grounded and make a home here is ridiculously long. Fortunately, the list of what I need to get me going in the right direction is must shorter. It contains one item- Get a job.

Of course, there's all the paper work of becoming a resident but there's no point in doing that if I can't find a job. I won't be able to stay if that happens. But let's not think about that. I feel like this is the right place for me so I have to trust that things will work out.

Six Word Saturday

one week until I'm in Georgia

I'm still not ready. Going through all my stuff has been incredibly overwhelming. Its amazing how much stuff you can accumulate over the years. Reminder to self, in the future, be more proactive about getting rid of stuff you don't use. I'm dragging my feet too because I'm scared that this is going to blow up in my face. Of course, I'm not doing myself any favors by dragging my feet but I can't help myself.

Quote: Albert Einstein

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” 

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

I think this quote is supposed to apply to people older than me, but I feel like this now. I've had enough of all the expectations placed on me personally and women in general. I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it. I'm going to look the way I want to. I'm going to wear my hair natural, dress in the cute and feminine way that I want to, and I'm not going to worry about getting a tan. I'm going to go after the careers that I want even though people think I should just take whatever I can get. The list goes on. The bottom line is I am tired of living up to other peoples' standards instead of my own.

Quote: Natalie Goldberg

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” 

–Natalie Goldberg

I can't imagine writing any other way.

Quote: William S. Burroughs

“Writers, like elephants, have long, vicious memories. There are things I wish I could forget.” 

–William S. Burroughs

I disagree with the way this was said but I completely agree with the message. Its not right to shame anyone's body. All that matters is that a person is happy and healthy. You can't tell whether someone else is healthy just by looking at them. Some people are meant to be skinny and some are meant to be larger. Leave that between them and their doctor.

I also have a huge problem with double standards. You have no business complaining about any prejudice, body-shaming, and whatever else that you experience if you turn around and do it to someone else.

I can relate to this so much. I desperately want to let my pain and anger go and I hate what it has turned me into. I still can't figure out how to do it though. I'll keep writing and searching until I do figure it out though.