New Year Jitters

So, the new year is almost here but I feel no excitement. All I feel is apprehension. Looking back on the past couple of years I see that my position in life hasn't changed much despite how drastically I have changed. I fear that this next year will yield just as little improvement. I feel like my life is passing me by and I can't catch up because I don't even know what my life is supposed to be.

I know what I want but I don't have any confidence to go after it. My creative self is still so fragile, I'm afraid that the slightest rejection could break it. Perhaps I'm being overprotective of it, but I am very afraid of losing it again.

That's the problem though isn't it. I can never move forward as long as I'm afraid. I guess that's the next hurdle I have to get over. I have to either stop being afraid or figure out how to face my fears.

Quote: Khalil Gibran

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

-Khalil Gibran

All of my songs
Can only be composed of
The greatest of pains
Every single verse
Can only be born of
The greatest of wishes

"Beauty of the Beast" -Nightwish

I see
Can't have you
Can't leave you there
Cos I must sometimes see you
And I don't understand
How you can keep me in chains

"Shy" -Sonata Arctica

Prisoner

Trapped inside myself
Locked behind the walls that I built around me
The walls designed to protect
To keep out all the pain and sorrow
Have become a prison, from which there's no escape
I feel no pain, I feel no anger
I feel no passion, I feel no desire
My homemade prison has left me empty


Prisoner by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Ernest Hemingway

"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."


-Ernest Hemingway

Quote: Unknown

“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.”

-Unknown

I wish this was true. No matter how I try, nothing is new. I'm still stuck.

Nightwish

The lyrics of their songs are so beautiful. They make me want to write even more but also remind me of how far I still have left to go. Here is a lyric video of one of my favorites of their songs, Rest Calm.

Quote: Jack London

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."

-Jack London

Rain

I can feel it coming
I can smell it in the air
All I can do is wait
Finally I feel a drop
It hits my cheek
Slowly more start to fall
I stretch out my arms
And look towards the sky
I close my eyes and wait
It begins to pour
The rain is finally here
Each drop that hits me
Takes away a bit of the hurt
Slowly washing the pain away
My heart begins to heal
My spirit starts to revive
I begin to feel cleansed
Fresh and renewed


Rain by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Still Trying

Whatever it is that you do, you have to do it everyday. Whether its write, paint, scuplt, play an instrument. You have to do it everyday. Those few months recently when I wasn't writing or taking pictures I really started losing myself. I'd hate to go back to the person I was a couple of years ago. She was an empty shell. I need writing and photography to keep me grounded. They feed my heart in a way that nothing else can. I'm sure it's the same for other people.

I have to put more effort into writing regularly. Even when I'm completely uninspired I still have to push. These past few months I've been able to feel my heart and brain just wither away. I just can't let that happen again no matter what.

I also need to read more. I used to read all the time. I loved it. But just like writing, I let school take that away from me. Reading opens up new worlds to you and I think that's exacly what I need.

Color my heart
Color my heart
Make it restart
Make it restart

“The Blackest Lily” -Corinne Bailey Rae

Uninspired

Unable to write
Not expressing myself
I'm walking in circles
Not feeling whole
Stuck in a rut
Pushing myself has failed
I think my heart has closed
Resisting stimulation
Excitment and passion
Dead to the world

I've been woefully uninspired to write. I don't even feel like journalling. This piece is obviously forced. I'm not sure if forcing myself to write is a good idea or a bad one. I'm hoping it will help me push past this wall I've come up against.


Uninspired by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Let The Rain Pour

For some reason, I'm really attracted to the idea of standing in the rain and letting it wash away all your pain. I like the thought of being refreshed and renewed after a rainstorm.

Quote: Ray Bradbury

“If you want to write, if you want to create, you must be the most sublime fool that God ever turned out and sent rambling. You must write every single day of your life. You must read dreadful dumb books and glorious books, and let them wrestle in beautiful fights inside your head, vulgar one moment, brilliant the next. You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads. I wish you a wrestling match with your Creative Muse that will last a lifetime. I wish craziness and foolishness and madness upon you. May you live with hysteria, and out of it make fine stories — science fiction or otherwise. Which finally means, may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world.”


-Ray Bradbury

Is it weird that this is exactly what I want?

Quote: Jim Jarmusch

I should remember this.

Quote: Marcel Proust

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”

-Marcel Proust

Quote: Paulo Coelho

In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.


-Paulo Coelho

Sad but true.

Come away with me and we’ll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I’ll never stop loving you
And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I’m safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

"Come away with me" -Norah Jones

Quote: Alexandra Stoddard

"Don't settle forever, or for too long, for work you don't love. You need to aspire to work that makes you thrive, that you're proud of, that is a perfect fit to your talents, gifts and passionate interests. In order to use our energy constructively, we need to pursue work we LOVE. When we love our work, we will sustain true, inner happiness. Work & Love, Love & Work, Become ONE."

-Alexandra Stoddard

Today's Musings

I've been talking and thinking about writing so much lately that I've neglected my love for photography. I started a flickr account and am working on getting my photos out there. Hopefully I'll get help improving them and will figure out how incorporate photography into my future. Unlike writing, I think I could actually make a living off photography without losing my love for it. I feel like with writing, the pressure and the control I'd have to give up to editors and publishers would cause me to hate writing. I lost my love for writing once and it was because of being forced to write and to write by my idiot teachers' standards. Maybe I'm worrying too much but I really don't want to find myself in that position again.

If I had my ideal situation then I would meet up with someone who wants to be a traveling journalist and we would work together. I'd take the photos to accompany the articles. Then I'd be able to take non-related photos that I could sell. So I would be a photojournalist/commercial/fine arts photographer. Plus I would do some writing on the side. Frankly, I'm not sure how to make any of that happen.

First things first I guess. I have to get my photos and writing out into the public to be seen by someone who can help.

Quote: Matthew Kelly

“In order to achieve the soul-searching that we desire and legitimately need, it is important to find a quiet place to be alone. Only in that silence and solitude are we able to remember that we already know the things that will bring us lasting happiness.”


-Matthew Kelly

Quote: Margaret Young

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want." 

-Margaret Young

Flickr

I finally started a flickr account! Check it out and give me feedback. I really want to improve my photography so I'm looking for tips and constuctive critisism.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/la_libelula/

If you have a flickr account, be sure to add me so I can check out your photos!
http://www.flickr.com/people/la_libelula/

Quote: E.E. Cummings

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting."

-E.E. Cummings

Everyone hopes that after hard times
They will emerge from the cocoon
A beautiful butterfly, full of grace
Resting atop flowers
And dancing through the trees
But what happens if
You emerge from the cocoon
A moth with tattered wings
Still lost and confused
No purpose, no direction
Flitting from light to light
And flame to flame
Getting burned by each one
Is a moth destined to stay a moth?
Or can a moth become a butterfly?


This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Pauline Kael

"Where there is a will, there is a way. If there is a chance in a million that you can do something, anything, to keep what you want from ending, do it. Pry the door open or, if need be, wedge your foot in that door and keep it open."


-Pauline Kael

I Want To Write

I want to write! Every time I think about what I want to do with my life all I can think of is writing. When I imagine my life and my future it always involves writing. I want to write books, poetry, articles. I dream of traveling and writing a travel blog along the way. However, every time I try to write I get stuck. Either I can come up with nothing, or I start something and can't finish it. So where do I go from here? How can I start a career in writing with nothing to write? I need some serious inspiration.

I'm sure I'll find it. Well not super sure, but pretty sure. Of course, then comes the next dilemma. If I find the inspiration and come up with some great writing, how do I get it published? What magazines would print my articles? Is my poetry good enough to be published? Is what I write really even considered poetry? Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. I should probably just focus on finding inspiration and developing my writing.

Adele

I am in love with this woman's music. Her voice is lovely. I'm constantly singing "Rolling In The Deep" to myself.

Poetry Hunt

I'm looking for a good book of poetry. It needs to be something for someone who's fairly new to poetry. I find a lot of the poetry I come across to be pretentious. I don't like it when it feels like the poet was trying too hard to be deep. I prefer poetry that feels like it came from the heart and was written with emotion. I'm looking for something that I can relate to. Any suggestions?

Quote: Sylvia Plath

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.” 

-Sylvia Plath

Sanctuaries

If I had a place like this, I'd probably never leave.

Too Far Gone

Too far gone
My soul has been in a coma
For far too long
I don't know
If I can ever come back
To who I was before
Before all the pain
Before the betrayals
I fear the damage is done
I fear I'll never look up at the sky
And see possibilities and dreams
I fear all I'll ever see
Is blackness and confusion


Too Far Gone by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

More Morning Pages

So far my Morning Pages experiment has been a colossal failure. I fell off the wagon because life got in the way. I have been unable to get back on though. I can't get past how heavy I would feel afterwards.

I understand why I felt heavy. Its because I was stirring up old unresolved feelings that I have been surpressing for a long time. Part of me knows that I should keep it up. Stirring up those feelings is the only way to resolve them and move on. I just don't know if I'm prepared for it. There's a reason I surpressed those feelings in the first place.

I do plan on starting up again, I just don't know when. Soon. There's no sense in losing any possible progress I was making. I just need to get myself ready for it. That heavy feeling is hard to carry around.

Morning Pages First Impression

Today was the third day of my Morning Pages experiment. So far, I hate it. It feels like a huge hassel and a bit ridiculous. I don't like useless writing. I never really understood the concept of free writing. They teach you to think before you speak so why would you not think before you write. I'm going to keep at it though. I feel like journalling is incredibly helpful for me and this seems like the next step beyond journalling. You know, journalling is contemplating the days events and working out problems from that. Morning Pages is something different. I'm not sure what yet. The first day, I found myself looking into an issue in my life that has been going on for awhile. The last two days though have been mindless chatter. I don't like mindless chatter. I'm the type of person who only speaks when I have something important to say. Maybe not important but something that has some thought behind it. I feel the same about writing. So just writing whatever flows through my mind is weird to me and seems pointless.

I'll keep at it though. I've read lots of reviews and testimonials and they were all good. Plus, the basic concept and the idea behind it make so much sense to me. I'm still a bit skeptical but I'm patient. I'm sure I'll get used to writing like that and it won't feel like such a hassel. Once I can view the process differently, I bet that's when the benefits really start to show. Hopefully.

Morning Pages

So I came across this idea called "Morning Pages". I guess its from a book called "The Artist's Way". I've never heard of the book but it sounds like a book I should really read. It's all about discovering and recovering your creativity. Recovering my creativity is what this blog is all about.

Anyways, Morning Pages is 3 pages of free writing every morning. You are supposed to write down every silly, petty, negative, positive, and important thing that comes to mind. The point is to get rid of all those things because they could be blocking your creative spirit. It's also about teaching yourself to stop judging yourself and just write. It's about silencing that voice in your head that tells you that what you do isn't good enough.

I find the idea intriguing. I have lots of negative thoughts and emotions that are blocking me from a lot of things. If this really works then it would help me dump all of that stuff. I'm sure it would take quite a while to get through it all, it took years for it all to build up. Plus, someone on YouTube mentioned that it helped them make decisions. It helped them discover some things they really wanted.

So, I'm going to try it. I'm concerned about my inability to commit to things. But this could be something that really helps me so I have to try. I would really like to get out of this hole I've been in for way too long.

I Am A Writer

I don't write novels or articles
My name isn't on any byline
I've never been published
but I am a writer

I don't have a screenplay
I don't report the news
or interview celebrities
but I am a writer

I write the stories of my soul
I write the dreams of my heart
I put my feelings into words
I am a writer

I stain the paper with my hurt
I use the ink to release my pain
I leave my sadness on the page
I am a writer

I use my pen to share my happiness
I write to keep record of my joy
I hope my words will spread some light
I am a writer


I Am a Writer by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Tere Arigo