Overwhelmed

Overly stressed out
Very frazzled
Everything is going wrong
Really tired of trying
Working so hard for nothing
Having to keep going
Even though nothing is working
Living in frustration
Mess and chaos
Everything coming at me at once
Disaster is looming


Overwhelmed by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 219

Cheeks flushed, fists raised to sky
Swearing at the heavens
Threats disappearing in the wind
Life is pressing in around him
Lists of undone projects a mile long
Unpaid bills left in stacks on his desk
He dreads calls from his boss
He goes to his home, his nexus
To his wife, his heart, his one and only
Sharing his chaos with his confidant
Finally relaxing because of her tender touch

This was inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 219. I haven't done one these in two years! My writing practice has suffered so much lately. I can't figure out why when I'm in the storm of chaos and confusion, when I need writing most, I seize up. I'm finally starting to write again, now that the storm has calmed a bit. I'm still stressed out though. I'm not out of the storm yet. I just wish I had someone with a tender touch who can help me relax.


The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 219 by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at https://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2015/10/04/wordle-219/.

Quote: Coach Thais

Freedom is a manifestation of responsibility. The more responsibility we take in life, the more freedom we find. A dog has no responsibility for food or shelter, but also has no freedom. A wolf, on the other hand, has total responsibility for his life... but also total freedom.

- Coach Thais

Blocked!

Things are weird for me right now. I'm unemployed and have been for months. Whenever I got too frustrated I would waste time online. While I was doing that I suddenly started seeing ad after ad for online web development courses. I started taking a couple of these classes and began seeing myself making a career out of it. It will also help me with some of my other goals. So, I've decided to pursue it.

I was super excited about this decision for awhile and was moving forward. Suddenly I stopped moving forward. I'm still happy with the decision but I have some weird block when it comes to moving towards it. I can't concentrate on my classes or my books. I can't figure out what is stopping me. I don't know if I'm afraid of failure, overwhelmed by the immense amount of information I'm sorting through, if I'm missing something internal that needs worked on, a combination of all three, or something I haven't thought of yet.

I also don't really have any support with this. My aunt and uncle won't accept anything that isn't traditional schooling or a traditional 9-5 job. My parents are semi supportive but not much. I've been going to meetups and workshops hoping to learn more and meet like-minded people. I'm a shy introvert so that is likely to take some serious time to work.

This is exactly why I created this blog! Just from that little bit of writing I now understand that it is the overwhelm that is really the problem and the reason I'm shutting down. Not only is changing a career completely overwhelming but not having a job and being hassled about it regularly, watching my bank account dwindle, constantly defending myself, and trying to reach out for relationships are all overwhelming as well. Fortunately, I must have subconsciously known this because I've recently changed my planner to help me focus and track my time. So, we'll see how it goes.

Fire Dance

Dancing and swaying
To music of its own
The most sensual of movement


I was watching a beeswax candle burn and this is what popped into my head. There was something beautiful about the way that flame moved.

Fire Dancing by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Quote: Anaïs Nin

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."

 - Anaïs Nin

Severed Parts

Heart, mind and body
Existing separately in one person

Mind is most active
Originally a fierce protector
Now a tyrannical dictator
Unwilling to give up power
For fear of calamity

Heart is imprisoned
Blamed for decisions that caused pain
Deemed unfit to lead
Now lies cold and dormant
Completely ostracized

Body is just a shell
Used only for basic functions
All sensation is gone
Desire completely diminished
No longer able to communicate


This poem is going to have to stay unfinished for now. It's exactly where I am right now and probably won't progress until I do.


Severed Parts by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Missing Piece

I've been seeing a lot of different posts and memes about how you attract what you are or what you need. Of course, these kinds of things are quite disconcerting considering the number of abusive people I've attracted in my life. However, they've caused me to think about why I attract the kind of people I do. Throughout my life, I've attracted men that are abusive and degrading and women who do not value me as their friend.

It's no secret that I have a huge amount of stuff that I'm working through, slowly. I know that I needed those abusive relationships because that was the only way that I would step back and address my lack of self value. I'm still attracting these kinds of men but now my eyes are open and I get rid of them quickly. I'm stuck when it comes to the friendship issues though. I keep attracting women who seem to think that I am solely responsible for making efforts and growing the relationship and have for as long as I can remember.

So, what's the missing piece? Why am I still attracting these kinds of people even after all the personal progress I've made?

Something I really wish I had is a mentor. Someone with more experience and who has fully embraced every part of themselves who would be able to point out the things that I can't see or am avoiding. That is asking a lot though. That kind of person doesn't just fall out of the sky and doesn't exist in my current realm. I really do need to find someone that I can talk to, really talk to.

Facebook and Instagram Profiles

I finally started a Facebook profile for my blog. I wanted to stay anonymous but still open up another avenue to connect with people. It will also allow me to join groups and express things without dealing with the disapproval of certain family members. I'll save that for when I'm more connected with myself and stronger in who I am.

I also started an Instagram profile a while ago. I'm not very active on it. I mostly just follow other people to get inspiration but I'd be happy to connect with people there as well.

You can find the badges in the right column, down where my other links are.

**Update** Facebook blocked me from my account saying that it was fake. That seems to mean I didn't put enough personal information on my profile. They put me through some crazy test where they showed me three random photos from my friends profiles and I had to correctly name them. Of course, there is no guarantee that the random photos are actually of the person. One they showed me was all memes and another was all pictures of their extended family. I don't know about you, but I don't know the extended families of everyone I know. But that's the point. After I went through their test they told me that the only way I could regain access to my profile was to send in my driver's license, social security card, or a copy of one of my utility bills. None of these things do they have any business asking for. It's all about getting personal information. I know someone else who had a profile for 10 years and went through the same thing. It's not a coincidence that it happened shortly after she refused to download their messenger which would have given them direct access to her phone and all of her contacts. Watch yourselves and be very careful what information you give them.

Warning! - Talking About Sexuality

I've been on a quest to try and develop more discipline in my life. It's been pretty slow going. Trying to break 20 year old habits and create new ones is not a simple task. It's basically a full brain rewiring.

I had made a vision board to help me narrow down what my goals are and to focus. I found myself going in circles though.

An online course came along that I had wanted to take last year but couldn't afford to. It is called Vaginal Kung Fu by Kim Anami. I came across this class and was very intrigued by the idea of a better way to strengthen your pelvic floor. I've done kegels ever since I heard about them but with no real results. This class was going to teach me a better way to do them, with a yoni egg. In the end, the class taught me so much more.

As soon as I received my egg, I tried to use it. I was completely shocked by how numb my vagina was. As the class progressed, I realized that it was actually my whole body that was numb. My coping mechanism growing up was to leave the physical world and retreat into my imagination and it continued into my adulthood. Now, I've spent so much time disconnecting from reality that I'm actually disconnected from my body. I need to get out of my head and back into my body.

This realization has finally brought some clarity to me. I've been stuck for quite some time and couldn't figure out why. Now I think it's because I keep trying to move forward while leaving parts of myself behind, specifically my sexuality. Between growing up in a conservative home, living in a society that objectifies women and experiencing abuse, I never had a chance at embracing that part of myself. Now that has to change. I'm hoping that I am correct and that getting my sexual energy flowing is the missing piece.

While I have no clear idea of how to get back into my body, I am trying some things. I'm working on a morning stretch and exercise routine that will hopefully help get my body moving and wake it up. I'm going to add sensual movement to the routine. I also made a waist chain and some waist beads. I'm attempting to kill two birds with one stone with this one. I've never been a fan of my torso and I hate my hips. I figured that if I adorn them with something beautiful then I might begin to see them differently. I also want them to help me become more aware of my core. I have noticed that the women who seem to be the most comfortable with themselves move from their core. They let their womb area guide them. I could be looking too much into that but women who fully embrace themselves definitely move from their core.

Since I'm working on embracing my body, I'll go ahead and show a picture of my waist wearing my waist chain and waist beads.

#DearMe Continued

Dear 22 Year-Old Me,
You just got out of your third abusive relationship and this one ended in rape. It's going to take you years to realize that it was rape. You've been taught that rape is being attacked by a stranger in a dark alley. Rape is anytime you do not give consent and you can't give consent when you are passed out. Acknowledge what happened so that you can begin healing. Know that this does not change who are and you are not damaged goods. You also have to look at yourself and figure out why you have had so many abusive relationships. You have been taught that you do not deserve to be treated with respect and that everything you think and feel is wrong. The only time you feel valuable is when you are in a relationship so you take whatever you can get. You are valuable and you deserve someone who treats you that way. Stop dating. Do not get into another relationship until you are fine standing on your own. Start writing again and write honestly. Take the time to heal and figure out what you want out of life.

Dear 25 Year-Old Me,
You have been unemployed for 3 years and your car just broke down. You have no way to get around so you are going to have an even harder time finding a job and spending time with your friends. You are going to be unemployed for 2 more years and every person you considered a friend is going to abandon you now that they have to put the slightest bit of effort into the "friendship". Now is the time to realize that they were never your friends. This isn't the first time they weren't there for you but you can make it the last. You have been basing your friendships on history, on knowing people for years, instead of actual friendship. This is part of you not feeling valuable and just taking what you can get. Keep healing and keep doing the work you have been doing on yourself. You still need to learn how to love yourself and no one can love you until you love yourself.

Dear 28 Year-Old Me,
You have been laid off and are trying to figure out what to do next. You had diverted from your path to journal therapy with your accounting job and are worried about doing that again. You need to accept that you need some money coming in so that you can pay your bills and advance. You need to finish your degree and take the journaling classes you've been looking at. You are going to have to buckle down and do the work. You have not yet broken your habit of shutting down when things aren't working out. Now is the time. You also have a whole list of bad habits you want to break and good habits you want to cultivate. None of it will happen if you shut down again. Stop dragging your feet and focus on applying for jobs. You haven't found anything in this area yet that is related to journal therapy so you are going to have to take something else for the time being. Whatever job you take may not be ideal but it will be your next stepping stone.


This was an interesting experience for me. I'm glad I decided to try this out.

The Journey by Mary Oliver

The Journey by Mary Oliver

#DearMe

There's a tag going around on YouTube that intrigued me. YouTubers are posting videos about what they would say to their younger selves. I have so much I would say to my younger self so I had to get in on this.


Dear 10 Year-Old Me,
You are getting made fun of right now for being too girly. Unfortunately, we live in a society where femininity is seen as weak and inferior. People believe that the closer you are to a boy, the better you are. Don't let other peoples' ignorance change you. It is an incredible thing to be feminine and strong and you are incredibly strong. You will see later in your life just how strong you are. Embrace your girly side and flaunt it apologetically. Ignore the people making fun of you. They are insecure and need everyone around them to feel the same way. If you can't ignore them, challenge them to a race. Nothing shuts them up faster than being left in your dust.

Dear 13 Year-Old Me,
Things in your family are getting pretty bad. You don't know it yet but what you are experiencing is abuse. Your brother is out of control and verbally and physically abusing you. Your parents are using emotional abuse to train you to be his literal and figurative punching bag so that they don't have to deal with him. You are depressed and angry, and it has caused you to give up everything you love and shut down. It's important to know that what you are experiencing has nothing to do with you. Your whole family have major issues that they are not addressing and unfortunately this will still be going on when you are an adult. As awful as it might be to say, your brother is insignificant. He's an abusive misogynist and has no interest in changing. There's no excuse for his behavior. One day he will no longer be a part of your life. Your parents are different. Let go of your anger towards them. You don't know it now, but they experienced just as much abuse growing up as you are. It's likely that abuse has plagued this family for generations. The difference between you and them is that one day you will acknowledge that you are a victim of abuse and will work long and hard to heal and overcome it. One day you will no longer be a victim but a survivor and you will not only break the cycle but use your experiences to help others. They may never address their past and remain victims their whole lives. That does not warrant anger towards them but sadness for them. Perhaps as they see you heal, they will be encouraged to do the same. In the meantime, your education is your way out. Stop slacking and put all of your effort into it. I don't mean just in school either. Keep writing, keep reading every book you can find, keep meeting new people, keep going new places. Look for as many new and positive experiences as you can find.


This post is getting pretty long. I still have more to write so I'm going to continue this in another post.

To be continued...

Then & Now

Was dark and empty
Heart hard as stone, cold as ice
Just a shell, devoid of life

Now there is beauty
Love and desire abound
Finally there is a hope


Then & Now by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

Laid Off!

It's March and so far, my attempts at discipline haven't gone so well. I can't make habits of some things and I can't even get started on others. I am not sure what is causing this resistance.

To make matters worse, I was laid off from my job. Now, I had grown to hate the job and wanted out but not like this. I have not psychologically recovered from being unemployed for 5 years and how it shattered my life. Being unemployed now is almost too scary to think about. But of course, I have to think about it. It's thrown me for a loop and I don't know what I should do next. If I went through everything that has been going on in my head, this would be the longest, most confusing, rambling post ever. That's saying something because quite often my posts are confusing and rambling.

So, I'm trying to regroup and get grounded. My head is spinning at the moment. I written before about how I always feel like, as soon as I get on my feet someone comes along and rips the rug from under me. This is one of those time and some days I feel like I spend most of my life on my back.

Guiding Word Of The Year Update

I'm super overwhelmed by my guiding word of the year. When I think about all the parts of my life that need more discipline, I get so frustrated. The list is long and I don't know what to focus on or how to go about this.

I came across the idea of a vision board quite some time ago and toyed with the idea of making one but never did. I thought it would be a good idea to make one now. So, I made this.

Making the vision board helped me to narrow the focus to four main areas that are most important to me. Those areas are Relationships, Fitness, Studying, and Journaling.

Relationships: I've mentioned before that I don't really have any real relationships anymore. After all the abusive boyfriends, guys who just want sex and "friends" who turned out to not value me, I decided that it was better to be alone. I think it is time to get back out there and begin meeting people again and developing relationships. I'm a much different person now and am less likely to attract and hold on to the same kind of people that I used to. It is going to require discipline for me to take the time to search for places to go and things to do as well as to get out of my comfort zone to actually do them.

Fitness: I absolutely hate how weak and stiff I've gotten. I used to take so much pride is what my body could do as a gymnast and a sprinter. I want to get back to the place where I am proud of my body and what it is capable of. My exercises of choice would be yoga and running. Neither of which will be easy. Yoga is really scarce in this area, and yoga that is just for exercise without the spiritual component may be nonexistent. Running will also pose a difficulty as there are few places to do it that are safe. I also suffer from shin splints due to flat feet so strengthening my feet and lower legs will be necessary before even starting. I also may need to come up with other forms of exercise that appeal to me since I may need a Plan B.

Studying: Studying journal/biblio/poetry therapy has kind of gone out the window lately. I also need to study accounting in order to improve my current job situation. To top it off, I had grand plans for completing The Artist's Way and diving even deeper into ModPo than last time. I didn't accomplish either. I'm going to set The Artist's Way aside and start slowly. ModPo is available all year so the first thing is go back and finish it. I'll figure out the next step when I get there.

Journaling: Last and probably most important, I have to get back to journaling more regularly. Whether it is blogging, writing in an actual journal or writing poetry again, I have to get back to regular journaling. I don't have set goals yet but I'm working on it. I also know that there are a few online journaling classes and I would like to take one. Not only will taking classes give me a way to focus, it will also help me see how they work so I can create my own someday.

So, I don't have an actionable plan for these things yet, but I am getting closer. There are a few other things that I am working on as well that didn't make the board but they are lifestyle changes for better health both physically and emotionally. These ideas are less formed but will be more solid soon.

Guiding Word Of The Year For 2015

Last year my guiding word of the year was growth. It has been a tough one for me and didn't go as well as I had hoped. Like I mentioned in my last post, the part of the journey I'm on has been exhausting and I really just shut down. I stopped exercising, I hardly journaled, I haven't done much studying. So, that lead me to what needed to be my guiding word for this year.

My guiding word of the year is:
Discipline

Shutting down has been a problem for me for years. There was a time when it was the only way I could think of to survive. Now, it is just a bad habit that holds me back. Breaking that habit is important for my healing.

I do not have a plan yet. I need to journal more, study journal therapy and accounting, get back in shape, get organized and get back on track on my embrace my femininity journey. That is a whole lot. I'm working on coming up with an actionable plan with specific doable goals. I'm starting with a vision board that I will keep in my planner. That's as far as I've gotten. It's an ongoing process though isn't it.