Quote: Grey's Anatomy

“Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken, it wears us out. Desire can wreck your life. But as tough as wanting something can be, the people who suffer the most, are those who don’t know what they want.”

-Grey’s Anatomy

It's true. This time of not knowing what I want has probably been the worst time in my life so far. I was happy when I had goals and dreams and desires, even if I didn't achieve them. At least I had something I was working for, a purpose in my life. Right now, I have none of that. I'm just a dead leaf blowing in the wind.

Quote: My Sister's Keeper

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

-My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult

Goodreads.com

I joined Goodreads.com and I am really enjoying the site. Now before I buy a book, I can find out what regular people think about it. This site allows you to review and rate books, and to see other peoples' ratings and reviews. I always like to hear how other people liked a book before I buy it. I have a very short attention span and it irritates me to buy a book that doesn't end up holding my attention. I have to own my books, I can't just check one out at the library. If you are a book lover you should check it out and add me as a friend.
http://www.goodreads.com/lalibelula

Quote: Macon Ravenwood

Darkness does not leave us easily as we would hope.

-Macon Ravenwood; Beautiful Darkness by Margaret Stohl and Kami Garcia

Quote: Ingrid (White Oleander, 2002)

“Don’t attach yourself to anyone who shows you the least bit of attention because you’re lonely. Loneliness is the human condition. No one is ever going to fill that space. The best you can do is know yourself… know what you want.”

-Ingrid (White Oleander, 2002)

I would love to learn to dance. I can't find a place to teach me where I won't be surrounded by little kids though.

Fallen

It's official. I have completely fallen into that hole I mentioned a few posts back. I tried not to. I felt myself falling and grabbed every ledge I could on the way down but it wasn't enough. Right now I'm laying on the bottom of this hole and don't have the desire nor the energy to start climbing out of it.

I want to learn to play the violin. Maybe someday I'll get the chance.

Quote: Douglas Coupland

“Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruelest irony.”

-Douglas Coupland

Unmotivated

I have zero desire to write these days. Sitting down to write this post feels like a hassle. For some reason I just feel uninspired and unmotivated. It's not just writing either. I can't get up the energy to look for a job, start one of the journals I've been working on or to finish organizing either. This feeling is getting worse. I seem to be falling into one of my holes and I can't stop myself. I'm sure lots of people would say to just force myself to do that but I think that still requires the slightest bit of motivation. Right now, I have none and I almost don't even care.

I must care a little though because I'm writing about it.

Quote: Paulo Coelho

Timeworn

My favorite book of all time
I always go back to it for inspiration
I've had it since before I could even read it
It's pages have yellowed and some are torn
The smell of them bring up memories
I remember writing while sitting in trees
I remember lying in the grass
Reading book after book
The cover has faded and the corners are worn
The sight of it opens my heart
I go back to times when all my dreams were possible
When I was capable of anything
I will keep this book with me always
To remind me of all these things
These memories will keep me from becoming
Just like this august book
Timeworn


Timeworn by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Trapped

Tired of watching my life drift away
Ready to see my dreams come true but
Always getting knocked back down
Poor is my soul right now
Pitiful is my spirit
Everyday I wake up feeling
Defeated, destitute, and dejected


Trapped by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Searching

Slowly my guards are coming down
Every part of me wants to let go
Aching for companionship
Ready to allow someone to get close
Cautious about letting down my walls
Hoping there is someone out there
I can finally allow near my heart
No longer am I hiding
Getting ready for a new life


Yay! I finally finished it!


Searching by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Frankly, I doubt I'm going to look back on this time in my life and say they were the best days. This time in my life has been terrible. It is changing me though and turning me into the person that I think I was meant to be. So while I doubt I'll think these were my best days, I hope I look back on them and see them as something I wouldn't change. I hope they are the sand that turn me into a gem.

Quote: Master Jin Kwon

"Include a few moments of quiet time into your daily schedule; Breathe deeply, evaluate your thoughts, delete the negative ones, and reset your mind to a positive perspective by counting your blessings and overflowing opportunities."

-Master Jin Kwon

Trying To Bring Positive Energy Back Into My Life

I'm developing a list of things I think I should be doing to improve my spirit and bring more positive energy into my life.

1. I've already mentioned that I am going to start a creative outlet journal so I'm not so dependent on this blog. I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for but I think it's basically a sketch book. I want it to be a spiral notebook with blank sturdy pages.

2. Journal a lot more. There is nothing more theraputic for me than journalling. It forces me to face things that I might otherwise just put away and avoid. It also allows me to let those things go once they have been dealt with.

3. Start a prayer journal. I had a prayer journal, probably about 5 years ago. I remember how helpful it was. Prayer is a good thing. Developing a relationship with God is a good thing. I believe that bringing God into your life brings peace.

4. Start a gratitiude journal. When things aren't going well for me, I lose sight of all the good things in my life, which makes the situation even worse. Having a reminder of the things I treasure when I'm not capable of seeing them should help me remain in the positive.

5. Start a goals journal. It's one thing to say you want to achieve something. It's another to actually do it. In this journal I will figure out a goal and I will come up with the steps I will use to achieve it.

6. Create positive affirmations. I'm not sure where to start with this one. I'm not sure of what I need to be reminded of everyday or what I need to get myself to believe about myself. Once I figure it out, I think I'm going to post them on my walls or maybe on my computer screen so I make sure to read them everyday.

7. Last but not least, de-clutter and organize. I have more junk than I know what do with. It wasn't always like this. My spirit is much lighter when I am living in a clean and organized space. It has to be decorated though but I'll deal with that part once I get organized.

I'm working on #7 first. I don't think I'll even have the mindset to do the rest until I've simplified my living situation, at least a little bit. Plus I know that I have lots of notebooks around, hidden in all the clutter. If I can find them then I should have more than enough to start all these journals. I think I'll have to buy something for the creative journal but I shouldn't have to buy anything else this way.

How I've been feeling lately.

Scatter Brained

The past few weeks have been rough on my creative self. For awhile I had no internet access. Being able to sign on to this blog and attempt to write something has become a real source of comfort for me. Perhaps too much. I really need to become less attached to the computer and go back to notebooks as an additional outlet.

Since I didn't have another outlet, I found my spirit dropping. I was so scatter brained and couldn't get anything done. I decided to go out of town, thinking that a new environment would be helpful. It wasn't. Note to self, a new environment is not conducive to centering oneself. By the end of the trip I was actually more scatter brained than when it began. I know for a fact that it would've been worse had I not gone because of some things that were going on here. So I was still better off but since I didn't get what I was looking for I feel frustrated and still can't get anything done.

I'm starting to think that maybe my creative self can't grow until the rest of my reality is in better order. I had thought it was the other way around. I thought that growing my creativity would help me improve the rest of me. Now I'm not sure, maybe they are too intertwined and have to grow together.

So, I'm still on the hunt for a peaceful place that I can go to when I need centering. I hope that one day my home will be that place but lots of things have to change for that to happen. The place I'm living now, with the situations going on here, will probably never be a place of peace. I also am looking for a notebook that I can use as an additional outlet. I want to be able to write, post pictures in it, do collages, and keep track of ideas in it. I need an everything notebook.

Connect

I want you to connect with my writing
I want you to see your life reflected in it
I want you to see your deepest feelings on the page
To see your fears and dreams
I want you to connect with me through my writing
I want you to feel like you know me
I want you to feel like we had a deep conversation
To feel like we exchanged secrets
I want you to connect with others through my writing
I want you to get closer to your friends
I want you to learn new things about them
To feel like you are closer than ever
I want you to connect with my writing


Connect by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

How Frida Kahlo Changed My Life

This is Frida Kahlo. I'm sure most of you know who she is but in case you don't I'll tell you. Frida was a Mexican artist who lived from 1907-1954. I had seen some of her paintings but I never knew who she was until I took a class on Latin American history.

I should probably give you a little more background about me. You already know that school made me lose my love of writing. Some other things happened that caused me to lose my love of all things creative. I became completely focused on business. I wanted to own my own law firm and that was what my life was about. I didn't read, didn't write anything but essays, didn't do crafts, just school. I was still at this point while I was in this class.

So anyways, when we started studying Frida I was very inspired by her. She lived her life the way she wanted to and didn't let society dictate it for her. Being the kind of woman that I am, I related to that. I started looking over her work and I basically looked at it the same way I looked at all art. I could appreciate the talent but it was just pretty pictures. Then I came across this painting.

This painting is called The Broken Column and she painted it in 1944. When I saw it I just stopped. For the first time ever, a painting actually spoke to me. I thought of the things that had come into my life and had restricted and hindered me but were out of my control. I felt such a connection to this piece and something inside me stirred. I didn't know it at the time but my creative self had decided that it didn't want to lay dormant anymore. A couple of months later I felt an intense urge to start journalling. I wasn't consistent but when I did journal I felt emotions that I had suppressed for years start bubbling over. I had to explore this side of myself.

Eventually I decided to start this blog. Journals just weren't enough. I needed a place to keep pictures, quotes, and everything else. Notebooks don't quite give you the same freedom that a blog does. Well that's not true for everyone, but it is for me. Having this blog is pushing me to continue exploring my creative self. Slowly, very slowly, my all business self and all creative self are merging. One day I'll be part business and part creative, and I'll be following whatever path that leads to which is who I think I was meant to be to begin with.

My Next Year Of Life

It was my birthday last week. I turned 24 years old. I think in my next year of life, it's time to start getting it together. So I'm going to make a list of the things I want to work on this year.

1. Go back to school
        I won't be able to finish in a year but I want to be on my way to finally graduating.

2. Move out
       Thanks to my going in and out of school trying to finish I haven't been able to afford rent and the payments on my school loans. A 24 year old should not be living at home! If I can finish paying off the oldest ones then I should be able to afford a cheap apartment, maybe.

3. Get in shape
       I know how important it is to eat healthy and exercise. This being out of shape and not exercising is ridiculous. I used to be a pretty good athlete for goodness sake.

4. Meet new people
       I had a lot of people in my life who were not good for me. Now that they are no longer around, its time to meet new people who will be good for me.

Well that's my list. I will be working towards these and hopefully I can keep up the momentum and not get discouraged.

The Sunday Creative

This week is the first week I am participating in The Sunday Creative. There will be a one word prompt and I will write whatever comes to mind. From here on out, I'll just put the prompt in the title and I'll label it "The Sunday Creative".

This week's prompt- Open. So here goes.
________________

With him all my walls completely fall. My guards are down.
He is in my heart, in my mind.
I can tell him everything. He rejoices in the good and comforts me in the bad.
He's sees me at my worst.
I can cry, I can scream, I can throw things.
He lets me and holds me when I'm done.
He sees me at my best.
He sees my joy when I take a great picture or fall in love with something I wrote.
We share our dreams and our fears.
He sees into me, past all my defenses, into my very core.
With him, I am completely open.


Open by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Graham Greene

"Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition."

-Graham Greene


I really believe this. The more I write the more my walls fall down. I feel better, less depressed. I believe that I am capable of more than I used to. My eyes are opening to the possibilities. For the longest time I was just ready to give up. Now that I am writing again, I am slowly coming out of that. I'm still teetering on the edge but I used to be hanging off of it. I wonder how I managed to survive all those years without my writing.

Creative Slump

I have been in a creative slump for the past few weeks. It started with a piece of acrostic poetry I'm working on. I chose the word "searching" but I got stuck on the letters C and G. I just can't figure out how to make it work. So I got frustrated which sent my creative self into a downward spiral. I have to give the acrostic poetry a break. I can't start a new one until I finish this one. It will haunt me if I do.

I think I finally figured out why I get into these slumps so easily. I love writing and I want it to be this thing that flows out of me but that is not always the case. Also I want my writing to be grownup. I feel like it often comes across quite young.

Logically I understand that I haven't written since I was a child. When something isn't nurtured, it doesn't grow. So my writing skills are really still at the same level they were when I was young, except with a bigger vocabulary. That doesn't make me feel better though. I feel like I'm not progressing.

So it's time to do something more. I'm not in a place where I can participate in the Creativity Boot Camp that I mentioned in my last post. If I push myself while I'm in a creative slump the slump will only last longer. So I'm on the hunt for inspiration. I think that's the best thing to do during a slump. That and work on other areas of your life. There's lots of photography blogs out there. I can't seem to find creative writing blogs that I enjoy. Maybe that's a good thing. Don't want to start comparing my work to others. That would lead to more slumps. I would like to find blogs dedicated to other types of art as well. So the search is on.

Oh one more thing. The woman who created the Creativity Boot Camp has a blog. Every Sunday she plans on posting a creative prompt. Her blog focuses on photography but I'm sure I can make the prompts work for writing. Plus I can use the same prompts when I'm ready to develop my photography. I put a badge in the side bar that links to her blog so you can check it out yourself.

10 Things I Want To Do This Summer

1. Spend time in the sun
2. Find a place I can go when I need peace
3. Participate in the Creativity Boot Camp
4. Take more pictures
5. Explore my city
6. Meet more writers and other artists
7. Find online creative groups to join
8. Go to a wine tasting
9. Read some books
10. Write more

One of the many things I'm working on.

Reprogramming Update

I am thoroughly enjoying focusing on acrostic poetry. I find it very challenging. At first I thought it would be a fairly simple way to start my writing reprogramming. Now I'm finding it to be more than that. It is certainly not simple and each poem I write makes me want to write more. It also makes me want to read more and get more involved in other types of art. I can't draw, paint, or sculpt but I would like more of it in my life. I want to meet and learn from artists and writers. I've also developed an interest in photography. I only own a basic digital camera which doesn't give me all the options that I would like but I am working with it. Once I come up with a watermark to label my photos I plan on posting them here.

I'm not sure how to go about doing all this. My normal life doesn't involve my creative side. Which of course is another thing I need to change. I guess I'll just have to do some searching to find some writers meet ups or something like that.

Quote: Shannon Hale

“Right now I’d like all my troubles to stand in front of me in a straight line, and one by one I’d give each a black eye. ”


-Shannon Hale

Abandoned

Alone to fend for myself
Buried under feelings of betrayal
A fear of rejection begins to form
No longer will I trust anyone
Doomed to forever shut out the world
Only to remain isolated
Never to allow another to get close
Ever protective of my heart
Destined to walk alone


Abandoned by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Og Mandino

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."

-Og Mandino

Quote: Norman Vincent Peale

“Change your thoughts and change your world.”

-Norman Vincent Peale

Exactly what I'm trying to do. I think it takes more than changing your thoughts though. You have to change your point of view, your way of thinking. You can't really change your thoughts until you change yourself.

Dragonflies

Darting from here to there
Resting atop the water
A symbol of renewal
Getting a chance to start over
One has a sense of peace
Near a dragonfly's pond
Feelings of serenity
Lull the soul to rest
I hope to one day
Embody the peace of the dragonfly
So my soul will find tranquility


Dragonflies by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Marilyn Monroe

“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

-Marilyn Monroe

Dreamer

Daily I look up at the sky
Remembering the days I was young
Everything was so colorful
All things were possible
My heart was open
Eyes full of dreams
Ready to take on the world


Dreamer by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Acrostic Poetry

I've decided to start my writing reprograming with acrostic poetry. This type of poetry is based off one word. You pick the word and write about that word using each letter of the word as the first letter of each line.

I chose this type of poetry because it has fewer rules than other poetry. I have a lot of work to do when it comes to understanding the structure of many other types of poetry. I don't understand the way rhyming schemes are described yet and I have no idea what iambic pentameter is. I'm sure there is a book that explains those kinds of things very well. I just have to find it. Any suggestions?

It's often said that boundaries can actually be very freeing when one is writing. I find this to be true here. These poems are deceptively simple and they require me to think outside of the box that has been instilled in me. I'll be working with these peoms for a while and see what happens.

Looking For Solutions

I've been having such a hard time breaking my writing habits. I've said before that high school ruined me. Now I can't seem to break that essay writing mentality. I had to work so hard to learn how to take myself out of my writing because I'd get a lower grade if I didn't. Any sign of creativity or personality was immediately shot down. So I learned how to do that because, let's face it, grades are very important. Now I don't know how to fix that.

My other problem is that I come from a family where my feelings were never that important. If they didn't match my dad's feelings they were just dismissed. My mom is completely brainwashed into believing that a women's feelings don't exist, that they are all just hormones. So I have spent most of my life supressing my feelings because it was less painful than having them dismissed. I am tired of living that way, but how do you teach yourself to express something you've been told isn't important?

So now I'm fighting two huge things that have been part of me for years. So I think I have a solution, at least for the first part. I decided to delve into poetry. There are so many different kinds of poetry so I am going to try writing my own different kinds of poem. Poetry is the anti-essay to me. Sure most of them are structured but they are meant to be expressive and come from the soul. The other thing I want to do is writing exercises. I'm on the hunt for some that aren't aimed at elementary school students. I need more than "Write about your summer vacation." If you know any websites that have good writing prompts or exercises, please let me know.

Breathing completely eludes me
No air yet my lungs feel like they will explode
My heart is beating uncontrollably
It’s thundering in my head
My vision is getting blurry
Tears are pouring down my face
I can’t choke back the sobs anymore
They finally escape my lips
And I fall to my knees
There wasn’t any warning
Our relationship was good
What about all the things you told me?
Was it all a lie?
You told me that you loved me
That you were mine to keep
We were planning for the future
How can you leave me now?
The tears they are subsiding
As I begin to shake
My nails grip the carpet
Anger is seeping in
Slowly I start to realize
To you this was a game
You were playing with my heart
I guess you won this game
You got what you wanted
I really fell for you
When will I stop this?
Stop picking the wrong guys
Why can’t I find a good one?
How many times must my heart break?
What if I can no longer repair it?


This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Albert Einstein

“Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

-Albert Einstein
 
 
I think he should have said stupidity instead of insanity.

Quote: Buddha

Quote: Jim Rohn

“I found that when you start thinking and saying what you really want then your mind automatically shifts and pulls you in that direction. And sometimes it can be that simple, just a little twist in vocabulary that illustrates your attitude and philosophy.”

-Jim Rohn

 
Now if only I could figure out what I really want.

Quote: Aristotle

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

-Aristotle

The Colors of My Dreams

"Reality has become so intolerable, she said, so bleak, that all I can paint now are the colors of my dreams."
Reading Lolita in Tehran

Painting the "colors of your dreams". It seems like the perfect philosophy for art. How do I translate that into writing?
"Describe the images of my dreams?"
"Write with the words of my dreams?"
"Writing down my dreams?"
I don't know. I'll keep working on it. No matter what words I come up with, the concept is the same. I think too much when I write. Comes from having to write too many essays in school. I have to start writing from my heart, from my dreams, from my soul.

Quote: Neil Gaiman