Dew Drops In Morn

Dew drops in morn
A flower's temporary gem
Dew drops in morn
With dew the petals will adorn
So light will sparkle off of them
Creating their own sweet poem
Dew drops in morn

This poetry form is called a Rondelet. I saw this form over at everyday amazing. You can find out more about this poetry form at D'verse~ Poet's Pub. I wanted to try it, you know I love trying new poetry forms. Anything to get me writing.

I Want My Femininity Back

If you read this blog then you know that I am on a quest, sort of speak, to reclaim the parts of me that were either suppressed or tossed aside. Because of years of emotional abuse among other kinds of abuse, I basically became an empty shell surrounded by a fortress in order to cope. One day I realized that it was no longer keeping me safe, that it had actually buried me alive. So, I went to work tearing down the fortress walls. I am no where near finished with that project but I want to focus more on the empty shell for the moment.

Now that I've been writing again after over a decade of only writing school essays, it has cleared some of the pain and clutter away. I can see much more clearly now and can better assess everything from the deep to the seemingly superficial. Nothing is really superficial when it comes to who you are and how you present it to the world, but I do think some things are more important than others. I've started looking at who I was before the downward spiral began as kind of a guideline, my 6 year old self.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about femininity. My 6 year old self was very feminine. She was graceful (for a 6 year old), girly, creative, almost always wore dresses, loved looking pretty, and most importantly she reveled in being a girl. I never really stopped being girly but I did stop reveling in being a woman. Don't be confused, I never wanted to be a man. I just haven't enjoyed being a woman the way that I would like to.

So, now what? How does one go about regaining her femininity? I'm still working on a complete answer. However, what really stands out for me at the moment as a huge difference between me now and me at age 6 is my body. I was a gymnast as a child. My body was strong and flexible. I was so proud of the things my body was capable of doing. Now, not so much. So, part of the answer would be to work on getting that back. I think the biggest part of femininity and reveling in being a woman is loving your body and what it can do.

Time to start to seriously workout and stretch. I'm starting with a short work out 3 days a week and I have a stretch routine to do after the workout. I'm looking for a stretch routine that I can do on the days that I don't work out. I'm trying to build the habit first, then I will work on improving it.

It's a start.

Nyctophilia

Who knew there was a name for this?! I love the night and darkness. I sleep better, the darker it is. My best writing happens at night too. Nighttime is when I am most comfortable and most open.

Quote: L.M. Montgomery

Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world. 

-L.M. Montgomery

I hope this is true. I haven't met too many kindred spirits in my life.

Hoping That I'll Be Writing Again Soon

I'm rather disturbed by the lack of writing I've been doing lately. I'm hoping that it is just because my poetry class, lovingly referred to as ModPo, has been taking up my time and creative energy. The class is sadly over for the moment so I should be needing another outlet. If I don't start writing more then I will know that something is seriously wrong and I need to figure it out. I've been having trouble writing ever since I moved here and it really has me wondering what is going on. I get really scatter-brained and unmotivated when I don't write for a period of time.

But like I said, hopefully it's just that I have been directing my creative energy into the poetry class. By the way, I highly recommend that class. They won't have it again until next year but I would suggest that everyone who wants to explore art and open their mind more take the class. It has a transformative quality to it that I did not expect at all. They haven't announced the next class but if you create an account on Coursera, you can put the class on your watchlist here. You will also have access to all the other classes on the site that you can take, free of charge. I've recently realized that I am a believer in life-long learning, so this is an excellent resource. I will definitely be taking the class again next year and most likely other classes along the way.

Finally Moving Along

I haven't been writing nearly as much as I should. It always seems like the times I need writing the most are the times that I write the least. Not sure what kind of sense that makes.

Things haven't changed too much for me since the last time I wrote but the few changes there are, are pretty significant. First, I am taking a class to become a tax preparer. If I pass the class, come January I will have a job for a few months. Having something current on my resume will be so helpful. I really got pushed into this and was incredibly annoyed about it. I hate when I let myself get pushed into something I don't want to do. It almost always ends badly. However, I don't really have other options. Around here, they say that you can apply somewhere and not hear back for 6 to 8 months. I really can't be sitting around waiting for that. So, the tax class it is. If nothing else, it can go in my education section.

Second, it turns out that someone I knew my freshman year of college lives around here too. We have talked a few times. He keeps saying that he will take me out and show me around, but I'm not holding my breath for that. It's just nice to know that there is someone around that I know.

Third, I may have made a friend. You don't realize how a big a deal that is until you don't have any friends. I say may because I met him online and haven't met in person yet. I told him that I was only interested in friendship but we all know that sometimes guys ignore you when you say that. He seems genuine though so only time will tell. In the meantime, I'm enjoying getting to know someone.

So, something is finally happening that isn't horrible. That's a nice feeling.

Oh, and the leaves finally changed colors! It's not quite as beautiful and vibrant as it was back in Washington but still beautiful. I was starting to feel like I was going to miss out on the best part of fall. Now, I just have to get used to fall coming a bit later.

One Woman by Ron Carlson

One Woman by Ron Carlson

Six Word Saturday

grateful for all the sunlight here

It's no secret that I have gotten a rough start here. I have been regretting my decision and futilely rethinking it. However, I do look forward to the regular sunshine I see. I checked the weather back in Washington and it has been rainy, cloudy, and in the 40s and 50s every day. Here it has been sunny most days and in the 60s and 70s. So, things are not all bad here. I consider having more sunlight in my life to be a huge blessing.

Plans by Stuart Dischell

Plans by Stuart Dischell

Oh, this sounds like me.

Quote: Sarah Addison Allen

"We're connected, as women. It's like a spiderweb. If one part of that web vibrates, if there's trouble, we all know it, but most of the time we're just too scared, or selfish, or insecure to help. But if we don't help each other, who will?" 

-Sarah Addison Allen

Quote: Guy de Maupassant

"Words dazzle and deceive because they are mimed by the face. But black words on a white page are the soul laid bare." 

-Guy de Maupassant 

Maybe this is why I like writing so much.

I'll Follow You

I'll follow you as you lead the way
Your loyal partner I will stay
By your side I will stand
As you take me by the hand
Each and every passing day

If my worries you allay
And you chase my fears away
Show the strength that I demand
I'll follow you

Through all our sadness and dismay
Every night, together we'll lay
Through all our journey as yet unplanned
I know together we can withstand
Come what may
I'll follow you

Thanks to d'Verse Poets Pub I now know another poetry form called Rondeau. Check out the link for details. Tony Maude did a much better job of explaining it than I could. I am very intrigued by the form. This is my first attempt at the poetic form. I didn't bother with iambic tetrameter because I never quite grasped the concept of meters. They always trip me up. I'm not sure how I feel about the poem in the end. It has kind of an adult theme but I think my attempt comes across a bit juvenile. I haven't done much rhyming in my poetic journey, surprisingly, so this turned out to be quite a challenge. I'll have to keep trying.


I'll Follow You by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://dversepoets.com/2013/10/24/form-for-all-the-rondeau/.

Quote: Elizabeth Gilbert

"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something." 

-Elizabeth Gilbert 

Now if only I could convince myself of this.

The Necessity for Irony by Eavan Boland

The Necessity for Irony by Eavan Boland

Such a reminder to get your priorities straight and remember what is really important.

The Path Part 2

The path divided
I chose which side I should take
Now I'm looking back

Here's The Path. The first poem was about my move to Georgia and where that decision could take me. Now that I haven't been able to find a job and I've lost the apartment that I thought I was going to have, I've been wondering if I made the right choice or if I should have taken the other path. Of course, I can't go back now so I have to keep moving forward.

Haiku Heights Prompt- Grey

Grey, soothing in paint
Shocking when found on the head
Sad when in the sky

Haiku Heights Prompt- Grey by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://haiku-heights.blogspot.com/2013/10/haiku-heights-305-grey.html.

Making My Own Dadaist Poem

I'm taking a MOOC (Massive Open Online Course) on Coursera called Modern & Contemporary American Poetry. ModPo for short. One of the forms of poetry we have studied is Dadaism. Dadaism was an art philosophy that was a reaction to World War 1. Dadaists basically wanted to show the absurdity that led to the war and they wanted to tear the world apart and create something new. They were looking for an alternative way of thinking and being. One of the things we studied was Tristan Tzara's instructions, How To Make A Dadaist Poem. I thought that it was interesting and really wanted to try it myself. I didn't want to take just any article though. I don't like to mess with other people's writing. I decided to take one of my own poems, the poem that I'm most proud of, and see how it would be affected by this method. I was hoping that doing this with something that already has significant meaning to me would create something that still has meaning to me. You can find the original poem here. Here's what I ended up with.

Unfurling will, almost afraid and ride

Long trapped feelings, instant that beautiful

Overwhelm melancholy and the desire—solitary

Detachment, listlessness...time maybe, ready that

To passion shades seems for throw feel occasional

Completely making someone unbalanced, wings

Blessed been...slap suddenly—me find passion

Deserve, wind, depression, caution, confinement, escape

Cycle their fluidity—watch, gather, clear

Who?—My realization with shift dust slowly

The desire endless, void—water...gasping, blue, desire

Along desire, sucking in, I desire are an parts

Snared has the spirit for me—own an after that

And face my...me come the of risks soul many

Endless in all life—first in lacking prison to, of

In flight to cycle— to —I’ve with day so its been

My stagnant an time I’ve take of...my, for life

The of, take life...the to, focus like of soul

As for the of hits be to in the to go a

Of the I...I of for it, a air—I, a

I am actually intrigued with most of it. It's far more depressing than the original, but it reminds me of those days when my mind is racing and I can only catch bits and pieces of my thoughts as they race through my head. The problem that I had was that all the little words sunk to the bottom of the bag, so they ended up all being pulled out last. I wish that the last two lines were mixed in with the rest of the poem. I also had a hard time with punctuation for this. Punctuation is supposed to bring order to writing. So how are you supposed to bring traditional order to something that is supposed to have no traditional order?

I think it is a good exercise though. One of the problems I've had in my poetic journey is stepping outside the essayist box that was drilled into me all through school. Exercises like this force your mind to step out of that box and find a new kind of sense. If you are curious, here's a link to a little article about chance operations like this. It would be a good place to start exploring.


This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://www.writing.upenn.edu/~afilreis/88v/tzara.html.

Need To Be Stubborn?

Things haven't gotten any better over here. I am still jobless and I can feel the pressure getting greater and greater. I've been trying to figure out what would be a good fit for me but everyone around me keeps telling me to take whatever I can get and has given me this long list of places to try. Most of these places aren't actually hiring so I have wasted so much time on these useless leads to jobs I don't even want. I do need to get a job soon though. I can see that my aunt and uncle don't want to keep spending money on me. They said that if I came to live with them then they would take responsibility for me. I guess that meant just for a couple of months. I've explained how easily I get depressed when stuck in a job that I hate but that always gets glossed over for the "What would you do if you didn't have family helping you?" argument. I acknowledge that things would have to be different in that situation, but I'm not in that situation so what is the point of acting like I am?

Maybe someone has some better advice but until I hear it, I guess I'm going to have to be stubborn and do things the way I think are best for me. Maybe?

Quote: Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms you would never see the true beauty of their carvings." 

-Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Need a New Approach

Well, I have finally stressed myself out to the point of making myself sick. *sigh* It just keeps getting better and better. Obviously, my body is giving me a not-so-subtle warning that I need to step back. I have been applying to every possible job I can come up with. I guess I've been trying to play the odds game, plus that's what everyone keeps telling me to do. Every time I turn around, my aunt has another place I should apply to. Everywhere I go I get asked whether I've found a job yet. Sure, these people are just concerned but it just adds to the pressure I'm already under. Obviously, its not working.

Now, I need to come up with a different approach. I think I'm going to pick a few places that I am actually interested in working and push for those. What's the point of stressing myself out over jobs I don't even want just to get a paycheck? If I was on my own then that would be different. But I'm not in that situation so I should stop acting like I am. I am lucky enough to have people willing to take care of me and I should take advantage of that. Of course, I don't mean mooch off of them. I mean that I have the chance and, for the first time in a long time, the will to look at my options and find what's best for me. I'll give it a try and see how it works. If nothing else, I'll probably be healthier.

Discouraged

I am becoming so discouraged. I really thought that moving was my chance at a new start and so far it has been just more of the same. I haven't been able to find a job, even though I've applied to plenty of places. So now, my aunt and uncle are talking about having someone else rent their basement apartment that I came down here for. I'm sitting here watching even my small dreams disappear and there's nothing I can do about it. What do you do when you can't get a job? Why am I someone who always has to settle and take whatever she can get? Why is it that every time I think I'm finally going to get back on my feet, something comes along and rips the rug out from under me? Its been almost 10 years since the last time I was standing on my feet and doing well.

There are things that other people have done to me that majorly contributed to my being at this place. But, obviously there is something wrong with me too. Apparently, all these years of self reflection and trying to identify and address my problems hasn't been enough. There's still something or many things holding me back.

Sonnet-- To Science by Edgar Allan Poe

Sonnet-- To Science by Edgar Allan Poe

Edgar Allan Poe is another poet that I am eager to read and learn about. I am also growing more and more fond of sonnets.

The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 127

Its that time of year again
The clues are plain to see
The three months of fall have come
The children have gone back to school
The colors of my world are changing
Into bursts of red and purple and orange
Time to peel apples for pie and cider
And pick the autumn vegetables for stew
Their warmth we will use to cradle us against the coming cold
Soon the leaves will begin to fall and be raked into a pile
Children will come knocking, brandishing fake claws and fangs
We will tell them scary stories to make them scream with fright
Animals seem to be quite rash, running to and fro
Birds will soon spread their wings and point their beaks south
The weather is beginning to change
The wind is picking up and the trees are shuttering
Houses moan in protest at the chill that's creeping in
It's as if the spirits of nature are getting restless
Peering around every corner
Fearing the exile that is soon to come
The trees will whisper their final secrets
Before they finally rest

This was inspired by The Sunday Whirl- Wordle 127 and of course, the current changing of the seasons. I am so happy to finally write again! It has been months since I've been able to write a free-verse poem. I hope this means that my creative self (I really should name her, since sometimes she seems to be a whole other person) is finally coming back out of hiding.


This work by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://sundaywhirl.wordpress.com/2013/09/22/wordle-127/.

Six Word Saturday

desperately, in need of a job

My move is pretty much complete. I still have things back home but for the most part, I am settled. Now, I just need a job. I really want to get my life down here started but that won't happen until I have some freedom. Right now, I'm completely reliant on my aunt and uncle. I need job so that I can get a car and have money to go out and meet people and do things.

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her by Christopher Brennan

Because She Would Ask Me Why I Loved Her by Christopher Brennan

Quote: Booker T. Washington

Friends who are of good quality are what I want this time around. I've made some very bad decisions in my past about the people that I brought into my life and I am not going to keep doing that. The problem is, where does one find people who are of good quality? Church is a possibility although two of the worst people I've ever met went to church. Of course, there are worse out there too. I am currently going to my aunt and uncle's church but I haven't met anyone that I can see myself making real friends with. So, where else would one go to meet good people? I haven't figured it out yet.

Haunting Pain

My pain still feels fresh
Like a wound just inflicted
With blood dripping down my chest

It tortures me still
It haunts me like vengeful ghosts
Pain that chains me to my past


I wrote this because for two nights in a row I found myself crying myself to sleep over the past. I am sick of thinking about it and writing about it. I'm really sick of feeling it. I'm ready to heal. I know that can't possibly happen as long as I only write about it. I should be talking about it with a therapist or at least other members of my family. I can't bear to do it though. I tried talking to my aunt once about being emotionally abused by my parents but she didn't want to hear it. She shut me down real quick with a parenting is hard speech. Kind of ironic that someone who dealt with people who had been abused in her career doesn't want to hear about it in her own family. That's how it usually goes though. Its that "these things only happen to other people" mentality. Oh well, I'll get up the courage to try again and I won't let her shut me down again.

Quote: Robert Polito

"I need a life that isn’t just about needing to escape my life."

-Robert Polito

I think I might be getting closer and closer to a life that I don't need to escape from.

Time For Another Update

There hasn't been much to write about lately. I'm still trying to get settled. Its unbelievable how difficult they've made it to get all your paperwork taken care of, especially when you are in a situation like mine.

I had some issues with my last bank account so I closed it and didn't open a new one because I was unemployed and couldn't afford it. So, now that I've moved and sold my car, I have some money that needed to be put into an account. But of course, you have to prove residency to open an account. So I needed to get my change of address completed but in order to do that, I needed a debit card which of course I don't have. Need change of address to get a debit card and need debit card to get change of address. See the problem? Fortunately, since I was living with my parents they were able to do my change of address for me and since I am moving into my aunt and uncle's apartment they gave me a temporary rental agreement for further proof and was able to get a bank account.

Don't even get me started on getting my driver's license changed over. I need my Washington license, social security card, birth certificate, and 2 proofs of address. I didn't need that much when I was getting my license the first time! Utterly ridiculous! My mom says its their way of cracking down on illegal immigrants, which only makes the whole more irritating. I have a huge problem with the immigration laws. My aunt is from Mexico and when my uncle was trying to get her up here, she was referred to as some pretty disgusting names because the whole office was filled with racists. Granted, this was years ago, but it doesn't seem like much has changed. I think bigots are still the ones making these laws. Anyways, I digress. I finally have all those things I need so as soon as I can get a ride to the DMV I should be able to get my license and be good to go.

I don't have a job yet but I knew it would be difficult especially after my long stint of unemployment. I worked with the Career Resource Center here to improve my resume and get some job hunting help. My aunt is also this crazy good networker so she has been introducing me to some people. I have become accutely aware of my need to develop my own network, something that will be incredibly hard for me to do. Networking is not one of this very shy introvert's skills.

Something that has been frustrating for me is my lack of a comfort zone or "nest" as I find myself calling it. I have this picture in my head of birds building their nest and then feeling free to fly wherever because they can always come back to their nest. Well, since I am currently staying in a room decorated by my aunt that looks nothing like me, all of my stuff that I have collected over the years is still in Washington until I can afford to ship it, and even most of my clothes don't look like me since I've been going through a massive reclaiming of my identity, I am really feeling my lack of a nest. It has also affected my writing. I feel virtually no interest in journalling right now and am only do it because I know that I need it. Since writing is such a huge part of who I am, this lack of interest makes me feel like there's a huge hole in myself.

Ok, this post has gotten way too long but I do have one thing to add. I just started a poetry class on Coursera and I'm really excited about it. I've long wanted to study poetry but been unable to even start. I can't seem to understand any other poet but myself and the few other bloggers I read. I think that good artists study the work of others especially the greats, and that's what I want to be. Having people to work with who can help me learn how to read other forms of poetry will be so great for me. I'm only just starting to learn how to write outside of the school essay context, I'm sure learning to read outside of it too can be nothing but beneficial. Hopefully, I can keep up!

Quote: E.B. White

"Writing is both mask and unveiling." 

 -E.B. White

Six Word Saturday

surprised at how far I've come

I was going through my first attempt at journalling from back in 2007. I was actually really shocked at what I saw. All the bad decisions I was making at the time, the way I thought back then, how little I thought of myself, it was pretty surprising. It was also a relief. Sometimes, I look back and wonder how I could've stayed in bad situations so long and how I could've been so blind. Now, I remember, I wasn't blind. I could see how bad things were and that I was making bad decisions and that I was making these decisions because I thought so little of myself. I just hadn't yet figured out how to navigate my lack of self-worth. It was the perfect reminder that I need to give myself more credit and that even though I'm struggling trying to get settled here, I have really come a long way from who I was.

To Electra by Robert Herrick

Quote: J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I think that one of these days you’re going to have to find out where you want to go. And then you’ve got to start going there. 

 -J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

The Path

The path divided
I chose which side I should take
Where will it take me?


The Path by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Hugh MacLeod

“Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.” 

-Hugh MacLeod, Ignore Everybody: and 39 Other Keys to Creativity

Ha, I know this feeling. I definitely lost my creativity thanks to essay writing. It wasn't that long ago that my inner child decided that she wouldn't lay dormant anymore and has been demanding her crayons ever since.

A Move Update

Well, I haven't exactly gotten off to a running start with the new life I'm trying to create. Of course, I didn't expect to. I'm not the type who can hit the ground running. I have to get my bearings first. But still, I'm overwhelmed. I have nothing and I don't know where everything is. I've been looking for a job but trying to figure out where it is compared to where I am is really slowing down the process. Atlanta's a huge place and I can't go across the city for work. I can't afford the gas and the traffic is terrible. I need a job that is relatively close by but trying to figure out what really is close by has been aggravating.

Plus, it won't be long before I really need to start meeting people and I'm not sure where to look. I need to be really conscious of who I let in my life since I have a history of bad judgement in this area. I want people will elevate me just like I'll try to elevate them. I'm staying with my aunt and uncle and it seems like all they really know when it comes to people is their church. I'm a pretty liberal Christian. Liberal Christian and conservative "Bible Belt" church do not go well together. So, what's a girl to do? I guess, get a job and see what happens from there.

I know I'm not saying anything new. People start over like this every day. But I've never done it and I feel like I'm flailing. Living out of a suitcase in someone else's house, isn't a good way for someone to feel grounded and secure. For someone who desperately needs to feel grounded and secure, this is a huge problem. But there is no other way around it. Until, I get a job and start earning enough money to pay rent and start buying things, I'm stuck. So different state, same problems. Hopefully, more opportunities to fix those problems though.

Its Official!

I did it! I have moved. Well, I have, my stuff has not. Most of it is still in Washington ready to be shipped. Now I have to figure out how to make this work. The list in my head of everything I need to feel grounded and make a home here is ridiculously long. Fortunately, the list of what I need to get me going in the right direction is must shorter. It contains one item- Get a job.

Of course, there's all the paper work of becoming a resident but there's no point in doing that if I can't find a job. I won't be able to stay if that happens. But let's not think about that. I feel like this is the right place for me so I have to trust that things will work out.

Six Word Saturday

one week until I'm in Georgia

I'm still not ready. Going through all my stuff has been incredibly overwhelming. Its amazing how much stuff you can accumulate over the years. Reminder to self, in the future, be more proactive about getting rid of stuff you don't use. I'm dragging my feet too because I'm scared that this is going to blow up in my face. Of course, I'm not doing myself any favors by dragging my feet but I can't help myself.

Quote: Albert Einstein

“I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.” 

-Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

I think this quote is supposed to apply to people older than me, but I feel like this now. I've had enough of all the expectations placed on me personally and women in general. I'm going to live my life the way I want to live it. I'm going to look the way I want to. I'm going to wear my hair natural, dress in the cute and feminine way that I want to, and I'm not going to worry about getting a tan. I'm going to go after the careers that I want even though people think I should just take whatever I can get. The list goes on. The bottom line is I am tired of living up to other peoples' standards instead of my own.

Quote: Natalie Goldberg

“Write what disturbs you, what you fear, what you have not been willing to speak about. Be willing to be split open.” 

–Natalie Goldberg

I can't imagine writing any other way.

Quote: William S. Burroughs

“Writers, like elephants, have long, vicious memories. There are things I wish I could forget.” 

–William S. Burroughs

I disagree with the way this was said but I completely agree with the message. Its not right to shame anyone's body. All that matters is that a person is happy and healthy. You can't tell whether someone else is healthy just by looking at them. Some people are meant to be skinny and some are meant to be larger. Leave that between them and their doctor.

I also have a huge problem with double standards. You have no business complaining about any prejudice, body-shaming, and whatever else that you experience if you turn around and do it to someone else.

I can relate to this so much. I desperately want to let my pain and anger go and I hate what it has turned me into. I still can't figure out how to do it though. I'll keep writing and searching until I do figure it out though.

NaBloPoMo July 29

Monday, July 29, 2013
Can you connect easily with your feelings and understand where they come from?

Yes. Over the last few years, I've grown a lot and have learned so much about myself. Up until a few years ago, I would deny my feelings and bottle them up. Since I've been exploring them I understand them and where they come from so much better than I ever thought I could.

I have a long way to go though. Its one thing to be able to connect with your feelings. Its a whole other thing to know what to do with those feelings. I still haven't figured out how to properly address some feelings and the situations that create them. For example, when someone does something that hurts you but doesn't have enough respect for you to acknowledge your feelings and their part in them. So then, not only are you hurt but you're also angry at being dismissed and devalued. What do you do then? I haven't figured out these things yet.
 

Quote: Lindy West, "Female 'Purity" Is Bullshit"

"The sexualization of women is only appealing if it’s nonconsensual. Otherwise it’s “sluttiness,”…. ” 

-Lindy West, “Female ‘Purity’ Is Bullshit”

This is very true. A woman's sexuality is only accepted if it is being expressed as an accessory or a trophy of a man. In other words, a woman's sexuality is only acceptable in this society if it is not in her control. That's so messed up. I've been trying to learn how to explore and take control of my own sexuality. Even though I haven't figured it out yet, I can see how beneficial it is and how detrimental the things I had been taught were. So many women are so damaged by having such an integral part of themselves taken away and turned into something dirty.

My New Tumblr

I decided to start a Tumblr. This blog is my way of exploring myself and figuring out what I want. I want to keep it that way but I also wanted to do something that was a little more fun but still related to this blog somehow. This is where tumblr comes in. I don't exactly have a direction that I want to take it yet, so I'll be exploring it. It might end up just being a place I post pretty things I find around the internet, we'll see. So, if you want to check it out and see how it evolves, here's the link.
The Blooming of the Porcelain Lotus Flower

I plan on changing the title. I want it to be a companion to this blog but I don't like that it has the exact same title, because its not the same. Maybe once I have a direction for it then I'll have a better title for it too.

NaBloPoMo July 26

Friday, July 26, 2013
Mike White admits: "I guess I'm trying to write stuff that I, as a viewer, would connect to." Do you think you do this on your blog?

I don't focus on writing things that other people can connect to. As much as I would like more readers, that's not the real reason that I blog. I blog as an outlet. I have had so much bottled up for so many years, I desperately need a release. Writing is the best release that I've ever found.

I do want to connect with people through this blog though. I could do this in a private notebook but I don't. Obviously, I must want others to read it. I do sometimes wonder how I can get more people to read this blog. However, right now, I just can't make that a priority. I have to focus on sorting myself out first. Unless, someone wants to watch me struggle, I don't have much to offer people right now. I'm sure I'll be writing and blogging for years, so maybe in the future, I can focus more on connecting with others and writing for them as well as myself.
 

Quote: Frank Sinatra

"I may sound old-fashioned, but I want to think all women should be treated like I want my wife, daughters, and granddaughters to be treated. I notice today that good manners—like standing up when a woman enters the room, helping a woman with her coat, letting her enter an elevator first, taking her arm to cross the street—are sometimes considered unnecessary or a throwback...no woman is offended by politeness." 

-Frank Sinatra

I don't really need anyone to stand when I enter a room or help me with my coat but I do appreciate politeness very much. Many of these actions that are considered old-fashioned or even offensive by some, I've grown to see as a way some men show respect and consideration. Sometimes it just depends on what a person's reasons for doing something are.

NaBloPoMo July 22

Monday, July 22, 2013
Steve Jobs said: "You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future." Discuss.

I really really hope the dots do end up connecting. I hope that one day I can look back and say, "Oh, that's why this happened." I hope that all the bad things that happened, end up having a purpose. I hope that I can use them to make me a stronger, better person.

So far, I don't really see that. I was much stronger before and I am certainly not in a better place. All I really see is all the damage done. I still don't see the silver lining. I try and tell myself I wouldn't have started journalling without it all, and journalling is leading me to greater things. But, sometimes I think I'd be happy to give that up if I could have had a life that didn't involve being abused. I hope that one day I can say that I see why it happened and that it was all worth it.
 

Quote: Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”

-Lisa Kleypas, Blue-Eyed Devil

Haiku Heights Prompt- Time

The rosebud opens
Petals display their beauty
Then return to earth
~
~
Tick tock, tick and tock
Twelve chimes ring through the night
Signaling a new day
~
~
Yesterdays fall away
Tomorrows grow shorter
Life keeps moving on


Haiku Heights Prompt- Time by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://haiku-heights.blogspot.com/2013/07/haiku-heights-266-time.html.

Cemetery

Writerly Life: Photo of the Week
http://www.writerlylife.com/2013/07/photo-of-the-week-317/

The fog chills my skin
Scents of damp earth fill my nose
As I enter graveyard gates

Walk past the gravestones
Surrounded by souls gone by
Filled with memories of others


Cemetery by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://www.writerlylife.com/2013/07/photo-of-the-week-317/.

Six Word Saturday

not yet ready, i'm freaking out

I'm moving to Atlanta in less than a month and I am no where near ready. I've gotten rid of a bunch of stuff that I don't need but I still have so much more to sort through. I haven't figured out the best way to ship the stuff I am going to take. I am also worried about how I'm going to function once I get there. I need a job, a car, car insurance, furniture, and the list goes on and on. And what about meeting people? I guess I should focus on the move. I'll have plenty of time to worry about that other stuff once I get there.

Malala Yousafzai's Speech to the UN General Assembly

Just in case anyone hasn't read it, I thought I'd post a link to Malala Yousafzai's speech to the UN General Assembly. Its a powerful speech given by a young passionate girl who is living in a situation that should never have existed. I hope that one day through people like Malala speaking out and fighting against oppression, women and children will receive the rights that we all deserve. Even though I'm not a Muslim, I do hope that one day Islam can be seen as the peaceful religion that it is supposed to be rather than the violent, sexist travesty that terrorists have turned it into.
Malala Yousafzai's Speech to the UN General Assembly

Quote: Unknown

“Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.” 

-Unknown

This is very true. I've been in a hole in the middle of nowhere for a long time. Slowly I've been finding myself because of it, or in spite of it, I'm not sure. Either way, I'm better than I used to be and will hopefully continue to get better.

Quote: Alice Munro

The conversation of kisses. Subtle, engrossing, fearless, transforming. 

-Alice Munro

A conversation of kisses. I need one of those.

NaBloPoMo July 11

Thursday, July 11, 2013
If you were trapped in an elevator, which three bloggers would you most want with you in that situation?

Shannon of The Simply Luxurious Life- I've talked about this blog a little bit here. She and I have a similar philosophy about creating a life for yourself. Hers is quite a bit more developed than mine. I would love to pick her brain and find out how she got to the point she is at. I would especially like to know how she got started. I've been at a place where I am re-evaluating what I've been taught my whole life and figuring out what I want. I have been having trouble getting my footing and I would be interested in learning how she did.

SEXKITTEN of SEXKITTEN- I have been reading this blog off and on for quite awhile, a couple of years I think. She writes very candidly about sex, her struggles, and her thoughts on life. I envy her confidence, especially with her sexuality. Between growing up in a home where sex was taboo and going through abusive relationships, I have a very complicated relationship with sex and my sexuality. I also see that she has learned some lessons similar to my own as well as some I need to learn but haven't been able to figure out yet. Speaking to a woman who seems to have learned how to own her past and her sex would probably be very beneficial to me and possibly my healing.

Grace of everyday amazing- This woman writes some of the most beautiful poetry I've read. I have to admit that I get a bit discouraged when I read her work because it reminds me that I have a long way to go with my poetry. However, I prefer not to dwell on that and focus on the inspiration her poetry could be to me. I think it would be interesting to learn about her journey as a poet and her process when she writes.

I guess I need mentors in my life. That's probably what I'm looking for when I think about meeting new people. People who have gone before me and have qualities that I aspire for, would be great inspiration for me. They could also teach me a lot I'm sure.

Of course, since they are all bloggers, I could try to contact them. I'm way too shy though and wouldn't know what to say.
 

Quotes: Bob Marley

NaBloPoMo July 09

Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Tell us about the first entry on your blog

You can find the first entry on this blog here. It's simply me stating why I started this blog and giving a tiny bit of history. I was trying to reacquaint myself with my writing and my creative self. I wanted to share my writing, but I was scared of the criticism. My creative self was fragile and needed to be treated with care but I wanted to grow. I needed constructive criticism to do that. I thought having an anonymous blog would be a good way to do that. At least if I got harsh criticism or outright hateful comments, they wouldn't know who I was. It has been kind of a shield. Fortunately, hateful comments are pretty rare on unknown blogs like mine.

My blog means so much more to me now than I ever thought it would. I found out how important journalling is to my well being. I really need the outlet that this blog allows me. It has been so great to journal and share my writing in the same place. I would bet that if anyone read my journalling, they would understand my poems even better because they get to see where the poems come from.
 

Quote: Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

-Haruki Murakami (Kafka on the Shore)

Six Word Saturday

getting closer and closer to moving

I am moving to Atlanta soon. Not all of the details are ironed out yet but I'm getting closer. I'm excited and nervous. This is my chance to get away from some things and to basically start over.

Quote: Frida Kahlo

“Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic.” 

 - Frida Kahlo

I love Frida Kahlo. She changed my life.

Haiku Heights Prompt- Fingerprints

He left fingerprints
forever burned on my skin
I am branded


Haiku Heights Prompt- Fingerprints by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://haiku-heights.blogspot.com/2013/07/haiku-heights-261-fingerprint.html.

Quote: Ted Hughes

"What's writing really about? It's about trying to take fuller possession of the reality of your life." 

-Ted Hughes

I have been doing this for far too long. I want a new home.

NaBloPoMo June 27

Thursday, June 27, 2013
Do you like to stay in one place for a long period of time, or do you like to move around?

I wish I was the type who liked to move around. The reality is that I need some place that is my own, that I go back to every night where I feel comfortable. I wouldn't be able to move around a lot, maybe every few years, but not frequently. I don't want to always have to leave friends and make new ones or live out of suitcases. That's why I could never travel the world the way I want to. I could never stay in hostel after hostel with people I don't know invading my space. For me, invading my space is being someone I don't know and being in the same area that I'm sleeping in. It might seem extreme to most people, but that's something that can happen when you've dealt with the things I have. You either get used to it or you become territorial. I became territorial and desperate for security. So, that's what I need, my own territory.

I wonder how I will feel once I have that. If I can create my own security, maybe I will feel freer to move more or travel more.

Quote: Anne Frank

"I can shake off everything as I write; my sorrows disappear, my courage is reborn."

-Anne Frank

It seems like only journal writers understand this. For non-journal writers, writing something down is a way of solidifying it and keeping it. For journal writers, writing something down is a way of releasing it and getting it out of our system.

The Princess [Sweet and low, sweet and low] by Lord Alfred Tennyson

I just thought this poem was so sweet, all about a father on his way home to his daughter.

My Birthday

It's my birthday today. I'm 27 years old. I have had problems with my birthday the last few years because I always feel like I am not where I should be for someone my age. I watch everyone around me pursuing careers and moving forward in their lives and I always feel like there is something wrong with me because I'm stuck. I always felt defective. This year, I don't. I've realized that everyone begins finding themselves in their 20's and everyone does so in different ways. The fact that I'm not what society says I should be doesn't mean anything. I have had to go through my own process, my own way, and I'm where I need to be. I'm also taking steps towards my future. Frankly, that should be celebrated, no matter what age it happens. So, this year, I'm going to focus on what I have accomplished instead of what I haven't. The time will come for me. So, here's what I have accomplished this year and I'm quite proud of them.

1. Figured out I want to pursue Journal Therapy Facilitation
2. Came up with a plan to pursue Journal Therapy Facilitation
3. Figured out I want to move to Atlanta
4. Sold my useless car which gives me a good start towards getting one that works
5. Discovered Coursera, which will help me continue my education
6. Learned significantly more about myself, my personality and how I operate
7. Learned more about poetry and practiced more

In the grand scheme of these, many of these are a big deal. I'm in such a good place compared to where I was for the past few years. I still have a long way to go, but for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm on my way.

Quote: Hillary Clinton

"You may not agree with a woman, but to criticize her appearance — as opposed to her ideas or actions — isn’t doing anyone any favors, least of all you. Insulting a woman’s looks when they have nothing to do with the issue at hand implies a lack of comprehension on your part, an inability to engage in high-level thinking. You may think she’s ugly, but everyone else thinks you’re an idiot." 

 -Hillary Clinton

Quote: Kurt Cobain

“Rape is one of the most terrible crimes on earth. And it happens every few minutes, the problem with groups who deal with rape is that they try to educate women about how to defend themselves. What really needs to be done is teaching men not to rape. Go to the source and start there.” 

- Kurt Cobain

Yay Kurt Cobain! So many people, even women, just don't understand that. Its always so nice when someone does, because it means we are one more step closer to change.

Wandering

Endless wandering
Must always see the beauty
Of the journey that is life

Seeking clarity
Forever searching for truth
Destiny awaits unseen

I found a new poetry form that I want to learn. Its called Sedoka. Its Japanese and is a rare, practically dying poetry form. Well, we can't let that happen. Hopefully, one day I can do the poetic form justice. I wish I understood Japanese and could get my hands on some Sedoka poems. I bet they are beautiful. In case you're interested, here is the blog post that drew my attention.
Form for All: The Princess' Poem to Her Secret Love


Wandering by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Moving To Atlanta, Not Sure How Though

So, I've made a decision. I want to move to Atlanta. I just feel it in my heart that it is the best place for me now. So, now I have to figure out how to make that happen. My parents say that they will help me, but they've said that before. So, I don't want to count on them, but I'm not sure that I have any other options. I mean, I have hardly any money to my name anymore.

My biggest concern though, is once I get there. There is no public transportation so I need a car. So, I'm afraid that once I get there I'll be in the exact same place I'm in now. My car broke down awhile ago and I couldn't afford to fix it. Even if I could have fixed it, I wouldn't have. It cost more than the car was worth to fix it. That would've been a foolish waste of money. I ended up selling it to someone who is a mechanic. He could fix it without the expense. I'm in a vicious circle though. I can't get another car without a job but I can't get a job without a car. The public transportation system here is terrible and requires me to walk through dangerous neighborhoods. *Sigh* I've been so frustrated for so long. Its like being in a hole and watching the walls get higher and higher. I can't figure out how to climb out. Why can't someone just throw me a rope?! People don't really do that though do they.

Anyways, I guess when you know something is right then you just have to plow forward and work it out. Things that are supposed to happen will happen if you keep working towards it. That's what I'm going to be telling myself anyways.

NaBloPoMo June 18

Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Dolly Parton said: "Storms make trees take deeper roots." Agree or disagree?

In my experience, I disagree. Once a storm starts, it never seems to stop. Or you have multiple storms back to back. These storms seem to pull the trees out at the roots instead of causing the trees to become stronger.

I bet I would feel differently if the storms in my life came from outside instead of from within my own family. Even when there was a storm from the outside, I never really had family support in dealing with it. In fact, I was usually told to figure it out myself. I've been itching to get away from all this and sever the roots completely and plant something new somewhere else. Maybe someday I will change my opinion but that would require me to have people in my life that provide support instead of being the reason I need support. Then maybe I'd have a reason to hold on tighter.

Quote: Arianna Huffington

“I beg you: don’t buy society’s definition of success. Because it’s not working for anyone. It’s not working for women, it's not working for men, it's not working for polar bears . . . It's only truly working for those who make pharmaceuticals for stress, diabetes, heart disease, sleeplessness and high blood pressure."

–Arianna Huffington’s 2013 Commencement speech at Smith College

Very true. Check out the link. Listen to or read Arianna Huffington's speech. It is really good and inspirational.

In Atlanta

So I'm here in Atlanta, trying to decide if it is somewhere that I would want to live. I don't even know what I'm looking for though. How do you decide if you want to live somewhere? Most people move somewhere because the school they want to go to is there or because they got a job in that area. So, if you have neither but have to make a decision in less than three months, how do you decide? My aunt says that if I am supposed to move here then it will become abundantly clear. I hope she is right.

NaBloPoMo June 12

Wednesday, June 12, 2013
What does getting back to your roots look like to you?

I don't feel like I have any roots. Between being given up for adoption and being very disconnected from my adoptive family, there just aren't any roots for me. So, for me, I am interested in creating roots. I plan on creating my own traditions and maybe even my own culture based on what I love and what I believe in. Its unlikely that I will ever really know much about my heritage so creating my own will be a good way to get grounded and to stay that way.

If I ever have children, I hope to have something to pass down to them that doesn't seem to exist right now. I want to be the one who plants the seed and grows roots. Then any future children can tend those roots and start creating a family tree. I'm not really sure how it will all work beyond coming up with holiday meals, especially for Christmas. I want Christmas to be a special time.

I do plan to take ideas from different cultures. I believe in understanding other cultures, sharing your own, and incorporating what you love into your own life so I will be doing research as time goes on. I am actually quite excited to see what I come up with. It will probably take a few years for me to find out what works for me.

NYPD-IAB (NYPD Internal Affairs Bureau): Hold Precinct Liable For Closing Case Of Twins Attacked & Police Misconduct

NYPD-IAB (NYPD Internal Affairs Bureau): Hold Precinct Liable For Closing Case Of Twins Attacked & Police Misconduct

This is so sad and disgusting. It amazes me that there is still so much racism in this country. I shouldn't be surprised but I guess I keep hoping I'll see the best of people. Please sign this. Police don't get to choose which cases are important and which aren't. Police are supposed to treat all victims as equal and put 100% of their effort into every case. It seems that they have decided that, what is believed to be a hate crime against twin brothers perpetrated by 11 people isn't worth their time.

Six Word Saturday

no one can ever stop me

I'm tired of being held back by my circumstances and the people in my life. Its time to address the problems and get away from what can't be fixed. Its time to embrace who I am and go after what I want. It doesn't matter what they think of me because they are wrong.

In Defense of the "Unladylike" Christian

In Defense of the "Unladylike" Christian

I wholeheartedly agree with this post. I stopped going to church many years ago because of the judgmental and controlling crap that this post refers to. I always thought that God was about love, not arbitrary rules created by men. I also always believed that a Christian's job was to show God's love and spread that message. Instead many churches and many Christians preach judgement and whatever behaviour modification that makes them feel in control over another person. *sigh* So frustrating! Christians aren't perfect and aren't any better than anyone else and should stop pretending. Its our place to love not judge.

Standing Still

Its quite frustrating
Watching the world keep moving
While I'm standing still


Standing Still by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Tell Me

Tell me that you love me
Tell me that I am of value to you
Tell me to follow my dreams
Tell me I'm capable of anything
Tell me to just keep going
Tell me to not give up
Tell me its okay to cry
Tell me there's a reason all this has happened
Tell me that it will all be worth it someday
Please just tell me

Quote: Flannery O'Connor

Its amazing how often writing brings out thoughts and feelings that I didn't even know were there.

NaBloPoMo June 2013 Theme: Roots

I've been looking over this month's NaBloPoMo theme of Roots. I have decided not to participate. I was given up for adoption and have no relationship with my birth parents and with things going the way they have been with my adoptive parents, I will likely have no relationship with them at some point. So, I don't really want to spend the month exploring my lack of roots, culture, and heritage. Like I really need more reasons to be depressed. However, a few prompts have stuck out to me and popped ideas into my head that I would like to explore.

So, you should see some posts about roots this month. Since I'm not really participating I won't put the badge in the side bar like I did last time. I'll just put the badge in each related post. That way you can still check it out for yourself.

Stone

The stone in your hands cracks
Crumbling like sand
Revealing my still beating heart

This was inspired by Haiku Heights prompt of Stone. But I broke the rules by using too many syllables so I can't post it there. I can't seem to get it down to 17 syllables.


Stone by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://parmisrad.wordpress.com/2013/06/01/haiku-heights-prompt-stone/.

Panicking!

My parents have decided to move! They plan to be gone by the beginning of September. Which means that I only have until then to decide where I want to move and how I'm going to do it. I am scared to death. I went to Vegas in April and I'm going to Atlanta in June, then I have to decide which city I want to move to and really, I'm not sure that either one will provide me with more options to pursue journal therapy. It almost seems like what I'm trying to do is unprecedented, so I am having trouble figuring out how to do it. My guess is that I should get a teaching degree and take a journal therapy certification program. The problem with that is I can only find one and it only teaches one journalling technique. I thought I was looking for an expressive therapy degree, which maybe I still should, but that focuses on a bunch of stuff I'm not interested in and hardly focuses on journal therapy. So, now what?

Plus, I'm still don't know what kind of job I should try and get in order to get me moving in the right direction. I could probably volunteer at some sort of literacy program or therapy center. But, then I still need a job that shows I'm working in a certain direction. Right now my job experience is all over the place and one of the reasons I've been unemployed for so long. I've been trying to rework my resume to show common threads, what precious little there are. You'd think a writer could be more creative! I don't see how I can gear it towards teaching journal therapy.

Basically, I'm getting nowhere and I'm running out of time. September will be here before I know it.

Quote: Rhett Butler (Gone With the Wind)

"No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how."  

-Rhett Butler (Gone With the Wind)

That's what's wrong with me. I need to be kissed. I miss kissing. Deciding not to date until I get my life back on track really sucks sometimes.

Quote: Lois Lowry, Gathering Blue

“Take pride in your pain; you are stronger than those who have none”

 -Lois Lowry, Gathering Blue

I'm not so sure that's true in my case. I certainly don't feel stronger.

Don't Ask Iyanla To Fix Your Marriage

I've been watching the show "Iyanla: Fix My Life" a little bit lately. In some ways, it is a really great show. It addresses very real things and doesn't shy away from difficult subjects. I think some of Iyanla's techniques are quite interesting and worth looking into. I'm sure quite a few people are helped. I have a serious issue with the way marriages are treated on this show though.

The thing that really bothers me about this show is that there seems to be a whole lot of blaming the woman for the man's actions while coddling the man. Granted, I've only seen three episodes where marriages are addressed but it happened in all three episodes. I'm not saying that the women are never wrong but no woman is responsible for a man's actions. Iyanla refers to men as leaders and kings but then tells the women that these "leaders" are not responsible for their own actions.  What sense does that make? True leaders take responsibility for their actions and often for the actions of the people they are supposed to be leading.

One episode was about Sheree and Bob Whitfield. I won't get into all the details of their relationship because it would take forever and they're celebrities. You can just look it up if you are that interested. But Iyanla told Sheree multiple times that it was her fault that Bob didn't pay child support and wasn't there for their children. She literally said it was her fault. She also said, "A man can't get in the space where there is feminine rage and bitterness because he doesn't know how to navigate it." So what?! That probably has a lot to do with her part in why their relationship failed but what does that have to do with Bob's responsibility. Not to mention that is was his actions that created that rage and bitterness in the first place. Iyanla basically gave Bob a pass on his behavior with that statement, saying that Sheree prevented him from doing his job. I am in no way saying that Sheree isn't wrong. She has a terrible attitude and is incredibly selfish and manipulative. I mean, it was obvious that she only went on the show in hopes that Iyanla would take her side and go after Bob instead of addressing her problems as well. I'm also pretty sure that she was only interested in Bob's money to begin with. But that has nothing to do with Bob's actions. He should have paid child support and he should have been a father to his children. Real men and real fathers push to take care of their children and to spend time with them, no matter how much conflict, anger, hate, or whatever else they have to deal with from the mother. Maybe they don't succeed in the endeavor but they try. Their children are that important to them and clearly Bob didn't think that his children were worth the effort.

Now before anyone who saw the show gets on my case, I am not in their relationship and only know what I've seen on television. I know I don't know all the details. This post isn't so much about their relationship as it is about the message the show was sending out. Also, it did seem like he saw the error of his ways and was going to work to be a better father in the future. That should be acknowledged and commended but it doesn't negate his past actions. Changing your ways doesn't automatically fix the damage you already caused. The scars are already there and scars don't go away.

Like I said earlier, this isn't the only episode where it seemed like the men were getting coddled and the women were getting blamed. One episode, Iyanla blamed the woman for her husband's affair! I couldn't believe it. This has to stop! Women are responsible for our own actions, and our own actions only. When we are wrong we need to admit it, apologize, and change. We are not responsible for any man's actions.

Really, men should be offended as well. Making someone responsible for their own actions is a sign that you think that person is highly capable and worthy of high expectations. It seems that Iyanla doesn't think men are capable of much.

Haiku

Anger overwhelms me
Confusion fills my mind
Loss of all my dreams

Hmm, this one isn't good. I probably shouldn't be trying unfamiliar forms of poetry right now if I want to write something good. But, this is about learning and growing so its better to try.


Haiku by Porcelain Lotus is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Quote: Diane Koepke

"You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, employer, romantic interest, friend or new acquaintance. You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go." 

 -Diane Koepke

If the time comes that I need to finally get some people out of my life, I hope that I remember this.

Lessons and Blessings

"We met for a reason – you are either a blessing or a lesson" 

-Frank Ocean

They say that every lesson is a blessing. I'm not sure if that's true. There are some lessons that people shouldn't have to learn. I never should've had to learn what abuse looks like. I never should've had to learn what sexual assault looks like. No one should. So, is it a blessing that I learned those lessons? If it keeps me from facing something worse, then I suppose so. If I can manage to use my experiences to help someone else, then yes. But I'm not sure that the lesson is the blessing. I think having the wherewithal to use that lesson for something good. That is the blessing.

I'm all for being proud of your body and feeling beautiful at any healthy size, but putting down other body types is not the way to do it. As for comparing men to dogs, that shouldn't happen either. Men don't deserve that. There's some boys out there that are animals and deserve to be referred to as such. Its incredibly important to know the difference.

Quote: Amy Plum

"I was an escapist at heart. I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one." 

-Amy Plum

I have this problem too. I definitely have a problem facing the world I'm in right now. Its easier and more satisfying to just escape into my own imagination. I don't recommend it though. I know its one of the reasons that my progress is moving so slowly.

Reactivating Word Verification

Oh my goodness! My inbox has been flooded with spam comments for the past week or so! Its so incredibly annoying. I know some of you had complained about the word verification so I had disabled it. I'm putting it back on temporarily to see if it helps put an end to this because I can't take it anymore. I don't know how else to stop the madness! Hopefully those of you who want to leave real comments won't be deterred by this situation which I hope won't last for long.

Dream Interpretation Please

I had the strangest dream last night and since I'm still thinking about it, I thought I'd post it.

I was engaged and it was the night before my wedding. I guess we were having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party but everyone was there, friends, family, people I haven't talked to in years, and people I didn't even know. My fiance was a sweet, cute guy who obviously loved me. He wasn't what I'm normally attracted to but still cute. The weird part was that I couldn't remember anything about him. I spent the whole party trying to gather information. I couldn't remember his name, age, how or when he proposed, anything. The ring was beautiful but I was wearing it on my right hand. By the end of the dream, I had only found out that he was 22 and part of a dance crew. I woke up just as he started teaching a dance to everyone at the party. Its the only time I've ever seen my dad dance! Haha!

Well, that was it. I'm not sure why its still running through my head. Perhaps because I didn't get any answers that made sense. Maybe because his face was so clear and was someone I don't know in real life. Its all so weird to me.